Phyllis here; chunkie, drunkie, junkie...clean, sober, abstinent since May 20, 1972
First step prayer:
Today I ask for help with my addiction. Denial has kept me from seeing how powerless I am and how my life is unmanageable. I need to learn and remember that I have an incurable illness and that abstinence is the only way to deal with it.
Also, Who wants to admit complete defeat? First sentence, first page of AA Big Book.
Well, we have admitted that we were powerless over food and that our lives had become unmanageable. Sounds like we need some kind of help.
Came to believe that a power
greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity.
I have questioned my sanity both negatively and positively. Once again, this step calls for honesty.. In order to work them, on any level, one must accept the order they are in. If I am compulsively eating, I must work on step one. Some of us have to do this over and over. That's good because eventually that powerless becomes power in Step 12. Don't jump ahead of me.
Who could relieve me of the compulsions. My parents, my friends, Doctors (I sent many of their kids to college), religionists, skeptics, etc, etc, etc,? I tried them all. Drinks, cookies, candy, the were all supposed to stop my cravings. Well, they didn't. The sugar, sucrose, lactose, etc. just made me want to eat more. Unfortunately, my bright? brain did not know that at that time, I was allergic to sugar, both real and manufactured.
Mostly, it was millions of diets. And, many of them worked, but so did the disease and I always gained it back. I had binge buddies and we were all overweight but would commiserate about food over dinner. It seemed there was "nothing" left that could help me, a bottom-feeder. Oh I lost weight on some of the aforementioned diets, but the disease won out and always came back for a visit more and stayed longer. Some deep rooted fears that were stuffed down, reappeared. I don't know whether I want to do this, I said. I thought I could do it alone. But, this was not why I came to OA.
Compulsive eaters are an isolative group. We don't want to get too close to anyone, lest they find out
who we really are. I didn't know who I really was. We spend time thinking, buying, preparing special food, and then bulimia, stomach aches, headaches, and say a nap will help, because then I will get up and do it again. How many times did I "pray" to G-d only to wake up as fat as I was the night before.
The pain of the humiliation digs deeply into our being and the end product is extreme self-hate.
Some of us heard, G-d, and that frightens us, or makes us angry because "What does G-d have to do with my food? I have given my sponsees the assignment, G-d Wanted with all demands I would place on Him. We are not a religious organization, we are a Spiritual group. That power can be anything you want it to be. "like the seasons" yes, "like a secret pal" "like the groups" yes. For me, at the beginning it was that invisible force that makes the flowers grow, the rain that makes the grass green, etc, etc. We have no desire to convince anyone that there is only one way by which faith can be acquired. Seeing others for whom it worked was the final decision to believe there was a Power greater than myself. Oh, the pains of humility. It worked!
Once again, working the Steps requires humility, honesty and committment. I did not find this oasis by accident. I began to feel like I was given a special attitude that I never felt before. The fellowship was working for me. I found out a meaningful truth. The disease waits at the foot of my bed ready to pounce on me at the first sign of weakness. It is cunning, baffling, powerful, and PATIENT! The is food is not the final wound of the binge. The downhill spirals start when I don't go to meetings so much. I never make phone calls. I don't want to tell people that I had problems with food. I forget the literature. I don't do even the slightest service. Also, the addiction process sounds like this, I am angry, so I eat. I am hungry so I eat. I feel terrible that I've eaten so I eat more. The same every time. I wonder if I thought that was manageable?
Are we sick and tired of being sick and tired? Have I given enough of my life to the disease? Has my family suffered because of my disease? Am I desperate and ready to admit I do have a disease for which there is no cure, but I can enjoy recovery a day at a time. I don't want to hear any more cliches and comments about my physical appearance. I don't want to "fight" this disease. There must be a better way! I GIVE UP! Step 2 can be the beginning of the end of our old ways of thinking.
As soon a we are able to put aside our prejudice and show even a willingness to believe there is that Power, we will start seeing tiny changes. Again, Step 1 is the only one I have to do vigilantly. If, I do not do the first, I cannot move on. If I am in the disease, I cannot move on in my life.
Continue to read Step 2 in both the AA and OA books. Continue to read the first 16 pages of the AA Big Book. If you have questions about anything in these readings, call your sponsor, or ask someone at a meeting. Read "There is a solution" in the AA Big Book
How do you see Steps one and two coming together? Do recognize the necessity of the order of the steps so far?
Write about your exposure to Higher Power. What were your feelings.
Are you willing to cast aside your negatives about this and try it for 30 days?
If I do believe in G-d, and have been disappointed that my prayers to be thin were unanswered?
Do you believe the this step will help you with other religious practices?
My children used to say, Mothers never eat what's right, they only eat what's left.
G-d doesn't open the gates of heaven to let you in, but the gates of hell to let you out.
Abstinence is the first act of self-love.
If G-d makes you leave, food will bring you back.
Insanity is a minority of one.
Admission, Awareness, Acceptance, ACTION
Fear holds back belief.
FLIGHT, FIGHT, OR BITE
Second step prayer.
I pray for an open mind so I may come to believe in a Power greater than myself. I pray for humility and the continued opportunity to increase my faith. I don't want to be crazy any more.
Working the Steps
The Twelve Steps