WTS ~ WORKING THE STEPS
2009
STEP TEN
Continued to take personal inventory and
when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
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When the past is settled with, present challenges can be met.
It is my belief that some of us have bigger and deeper pasts than others. Regardless of the past though, it takes what it takes. There is no room for self pity here unless you want to allow yourself to relapse. For those of us with huge issues that needed amended we may need to have those listed in black and white, be ready to make amends, arrange to pay off debts, etc., and go on to step ten without delay so that we don't start piling up debris on the sidewalk faster than we can sweep it off in the first place. selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. When I notice I am troubled I ask God to release me from these old coping skills. Instead I choose to practice willingness, honesty, tolerance, forgiveness and trust. I make amends if I harmed anyone and then I "RESOLUTELY" turn to someone I can help. I try to take a vision of God's will into all my activities. I ask HP to give me strength, direction and inspiration. I open up to intuition and imagination so the Spirit can quide me. So what does this really look like in my daily life? Very imperfect! I still have major challenges in relationships. For one thing, I still want to be nice. Being nice does not work so well in the adult world. As a child, it kept me alive and it almost pleased my parents and teachers. Then they came to expect it. When I would be less than nice and be merely human I experienced alot of rejection and harsh correction.. It took me half a century to discover that my desire or need to be nice was about some less than stellar motivation instead of being kind for kindness sake. A nice person is elevated above all others. She/he is super human--an angel so to speak. This is nothing but false pride. A nice person has to put their lives on hold so that more people can have their own selfish way! This means the nice person is a manipulator and a people pleaser not a God pleaser. A nice person is often full of fear to be anything but nice. This is not faith or justice either one. A nice person usually has to practice some kind of addiction to hide their true feelings of resentment and fear. Today, my goal is to stay centered in God and his will for me. Sometimes this means being fair and equal. I do not have to have my way. But I do have to take care of myself. Sometimes I need to be assertive in my office because this is more honest and facilitates my coworker's growth! I have blocked her growth for far too long! I am not sure what kind of amends to do with this situation yet except to do a living amends by being real and honest in the office and saying what I really think and how I really feel. This I have begun to do. In the past, I worked my life around everyone else. I ended up feeling pulled in a dozen different directions. Today I live my life and try to contribute to the lives of others when I can. I like that saying we have, "To give what we can, when we can." Most days when I ask for direction, strength, inspiration and wisdom I am able to step right into the next right thing. When I don't know, I can pause today. In the past with my addict's mind I was unable to wait over 3 seconds for anything ever!!! I tend to be an "innie" not an "outie" so I rarely have to make direct amends unless I just make a mistake of some kind. But I constantly find I have to do living amends because of my tendency to selfishly isolate, be dishonest and judgmental, over protective of self, defensive, and resentful from not speaking up. These attitudes and behaviors require honesty and accountability or I can slip back into them very easily just like a pair of old shoes. I share with my sponsor frequently about my feelings around my food and relationships. When I feel disconnected or out of sorts, often my food is getting in the yellow zone where I need to return to safer foods for a while. My food is a very good barometer for my feelings and program. To say my food is good when it is not would hurt me very badly. I do not believe we have to relapse but I do believe it is a miracle that we don't! It is so easy to let up on our spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels and pretend all is well. That hurts me in the end. Not good. It is always easier to stay abstinent than to get abstinent. I try to remember that. Another practice I have is to imagine how I can behave differently when I feel troubled either with resentment or fear. When someone bullies me instead of resenting it or fearing them I try to imagine all the different ways I can respond to the situation! I have had alot of practice with this by the way! Recently in one situation, every time the person started again to behave poorly, I got up quietly, picked up a couple of personal items and said I am going to take a walk, and walked out the door. After about a week of this twice a day, the obnoxious behavior ended. I also have imagined walking straighter, taller, and more confidently, speaking more like an assertive adult until those actions became more normal for me. I believe we do teach people how to treat us. I am now showing them how to not treat me, too. Not that I can control them, but they do know whether I will be receptive to being mistreated by past experience, body language, etc. Step ten has become very intuitive for me. I find it to be the great mood stabilizer. When I keep track of Linda and let HP drive the bus, the route goes alot smoother! I try to follow his lead! Here are questions to consider in your study of step 10 and then you can decide if you want to actually "WORK" step ten and enjoy the results which were mentioned at the top of this week's study: When the past is settled with, present challenges can be met. Assignments: |
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 Step 11 |