Auds here, sober and abstinent just for today by the grace of God, these fellowships and my own effort.
Well, so far we have admitted our powerlessness over our addiction to food, and in my case both sugar and alcohol. We have come to see that there is a glimmer of hope in our powerlessness. We have recognized that our own best efforts at controlling ourselves and others have been fruitless. So where do we go from here?
Well, if I can't maybe God can. hmmm. God could and WOULD if he were sought. pg. 60 big book of AA. I always say that faith takes mileage so lets see how I came to believe.
When I first came to OA in 1975 I didn't believe in God. I was a defiant, professional victim. The AA Big Book describes me exactly. I was the stage director who thought that if everyone would only do things my way life would be wonderful. I was polite, I was mean neither method produced the serenity I was searching for. Of course I wasn't searching for serenity I was searching for approbation. I wanted to hear how great I was because I felt so worthless. I manipulated others to hurt me in front of those whomI told "if you had my life you would overeat and over act and over everything too.
When my first sponsor helped me to see the consequences of my own actions rather that the actions of others I began to see hope that I could change my actions. Then I began to see that a power greater than myself was at work here. How could I be unable to stop eating compulsively on the 1st of September when I could not stop eating at all the 31st of August? This was not the stuff of diets. It was a miracle because I could leave my refrigerator. I could go to work and not see the pitying or disgusted glances of those around me. I could dress as becomingly as possible, I could wash myself and my clothes. I could read something that took effort. I could eat a prescribed meal and feel satisfied. On 31 August I ate through full to empty and back to full and back to empty. I hid in my house, doors locked and cried and passed out from sugar overload and woke to do the same thing again. My best thinking got me to where I was. So now I was asked to turn my will and my life over to a power greater than myself. Did I believe that I had gotten to OA on my own power? Did I believe that the person that drug me kicking and screaming to my first meeting was there by chance? No. I had come to believe that there might be a God after all. I had been praying without knowing it.
If you existed you would do something for me. Shaking my fist at the sky seems to admit that I thought God existed even if I didn't see that at the time. Then how about the Woman who shared "my story" at my first meeting. Was that a coincidence or God at work? That she was so available to me for the first months of my recovery was that coincidence. I think not. So here were glimmers of hope that God existed and now I was asked to turn my will and life over to someone or something that I had denied existence to for years. If you existed you would do something for me.
Well, I had a fearful feeling that God might have gotten me to my first meeting, that he might have supplied a mentor to me that would lead me through baby steps of recovery until I could see that I was recovering and until I could thank God for his hand in my recovery.
So now comes the hard decision. Can I allowed God as I understand him to guide me through life. hmmmm, I looked around me? My house had gotten clean twenty minutes at a time. I had gone to meetings everyday for ninety days and was planning to continue going to meetings everyday. There were meetings everyday, either for my addiction or for another addiction I didn't yet admit to. I found friends who loved me not in spite of my character defects but because of our mutual defects. I was becoming "as happy as I had a mind to be" ..... Abraham Lincoln
My life was becoming beyond my wildest dreams. My work place was becoming gentle and peaceful. If I could attribute this to my higher power, why wouldn't I let him rule my life?
Wasn't I supposed to be independent? Instead of the needy person I had been? Hmmmm. I asked myself these questions:
1. Who enabled me to be free of my addictions?
2. Was my life now better than the one I was living before I received the gift of abstinence.
3. Who gave me this attitude of gratitude? And did I have an attitude of gratitude?
4. Who allowed me to try things I was afraid of doing for fear of failure? Who made someone tell me that failure was a great success because I had tried to do something difficult?
5. Had I succeeded on my own?
6. When had I embraced the thought that progress not perfection was the key?
7. When had I embraced the thought that my actions had brought disaster and the actions of my recovering self were so different and brought such different consequences? Who had taught me that I was no longer a professional victim. How had I been able to finally take responsibility for my own actions?
8. If I had had a life of pain and resentment before the gift of abstinence how had it changed, why had it changed? Could I trust my higher power to know what was right for me?
9. Could I turn my life and my will over to the care of someone who didn't exist for me until ninety days ago?
10. Could anything be worse than the life I led ninety days ago? So this is just a decision. Can I try to do this? I know the answers for me were that "God could and would lead me if he were sought." How about you?
Just for today, I will row the boat and let God handle the tiller. Just for today, I pray that you allow God to do for you what we cannot do for ourselves.
As always, please take what you need and leave the rest.
STEP THREE PRAYER
God, I offer myself to thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always. Pg. 63 ~ The Big Book