LEADER'S SHARE ~ STEP ELEVEN|
I'm trying to remember all of the different ways I used to get to that
high, exalted place of conversing with You. Where the heck was my burning
bush? You gave one to Moses. Why not me? The search for understanding and
knowing what and where to do this elusive connecting with God, was and is
at times full of fear for me. It not only is not possible to fool You,
it is down right dangerous. Over these many years, the attempts were
numerous and always failed, with more unwanted pounds added to my body as
My initial problem was erased in step two, when I admitted my madness and
the fact that there existed a power greater than myself. That having
been accepted, You needed to be defined for me, a face put on the spirit.
Well that was a big flop and the decision made by me for me that You, my
God, would be a faceless spirit who would, if asked, restore me to sanity.
Having given up my role as You, and being able to understand how this
would work, did not turn into where we are today for many years. One of
the many books read on finding a God that works was titled, "Came to Believe." I wore that book out, and it sits on my shelf and has been loaned out on many occasions and is always returned with thanks. Still my mind would not focus and then be still, so I could
listen. I did not know how to listen, and prayer without meditation is like putting fuel in a car with no wheels. It just will not move. I knew and felt that parts of me were floating about and needed some force to allow these parts to enter my heart and make me whole.
Pity for all who still search for that which lives in every human. We, or
I, in my ignorance, had flashes of this wholeness and it was wonderful. My
self-controlling ego always seemed to win over the much sought after serenity. One of the turning points for me was the day the curtain of darkness lifted long
enough to see and feel the truth of this program. What an ass I am; see
how easy this is and how well I am when God's will and mine are as one!
The search for serenity came slowly for me and the path had may rocks to
tread upon. Failure was beginning to feel comfortable and just another
way to say I'm not worth saving, and familiar ground is better than this
state of grace I suddenly feel and which just as suddenly has disappeared. Still I
did not listen.
One since forgotten day, I saw my sponsor sitting in his car by our
meeting place writing in one of those composition notebooks the school
children use. When asked what this was all about he responded with the
words, "I'm talking to my God." Nuts, that's what he is, but I
inquired, "Why do you do this?" He explained that for him writing down what
he would say to his God eliminated all the B.S., and true humility shined
through the lies he would speak but could not write. Of course I
remembered, humility is truth, and that was my missing part: humility.
For some reason I thought I needed to ask for permission to also write to
You and here we are so many years later and I'm still finding the truth
in writing a letter each day to that power I cannot see but do feel in
my every waking moment. Prayer and meditation are not just some tools - no, they are indispensable for me if I am to get and remain in a fit spiritual condition. When I am
right with my God nothing on the face of this earth will be too much for
me to handle.
Deep inside my soul there is some doubt from time to time. These are the times when some catastrophe happens and my diseased brain tries to push my God into a corner and the eating frenzy may begin. This has not happened in a long time because my spiritual bank account is overflowing with the strength needed to be what God wants me to be. When I pray, I talk to the God of my understanding and pray for knowledge of His will and the power to do same. Then I use the time set aside each morning to clear my mind and listen for instructions which come by way of people, places, things and situations.
I see and hear God's wisdom all day long and just do my best to do the
next right thing. Do I always do so? Nope, I do not. Then the 10th step is
used to make corrections. That is why there are erasers on pencils, for
guys like me.
This did not become a habit overnight. It takes practice and perseverance. We all know that perfection on this earth does not exist for us, yet we strive to be the perfect people our HP would have us be. So instead of practice makes perfect, I say practice makes the
master. May all who read this including me, always practice to master this prayer and meditation.
Turn around and see how far we have traveled together. Hopefully you have
found some form or bit of serenity. Want to keep it and make it grow? Then be a sponsor to ensure you may keep and expand what has been so freely given. AND WHY NOT.....Danny