LEADER'S SHARE ~ STEP EIGHT|
I am to make for myself a clean slate; I am to take responsibility for my part in my past life and relationships; I am to stop playing the innocent victim and I am to recognise perhaps for the first time that I am not the only one in my world to suffer from this disease.
And what do I do with those who are headed Your way?
Ok, You need not answer that. I know - write them a letter. Tis kind of like Christmas and buying presents, insomuch as that it is the thought that counts, not the outcome. Many of these people may never forgive me, but that's of no consequence, because I know if my heart is right then You have forgiven me and I am then freed of the guilt and shame I have carried for so long.
I never thought to place myself on this list, but in all honesty I have deliberately harmed myself on countless occasions.
I say I am ready to make amends, but how do I know that I truly am? How can I possibly make amends to my mother - the years of abuse and the constant events of public humiliation seem unforgivable. I know I am not entirely innocent as I went against her every wish by way of protecting myself - childish I know, but then, I was a child. So I guess I need to at least own up to my part in this relationship. I am all grown up now and do need to take responsibility for some of what happened even though I know I was not to blame for its occurrence.
Help me to take this step with honesty, help me to realize that 89% effort will result in 89% recovery. Help me to understand that I am not meant to judge people, but rather overcome the hold the disease is using on me regarding past events. Help me to be willing and accepting that this, as with all the other steps, is an essential part of my recovery; even when at times I wonder why!