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LEADER'S SHARE ~ STEP SIX
Dear God,
This is truly where we lose those who complained and feared steps four
and five, only to come face-to-face with step six.
Step VI-----"Were Entirely Ready To Have God Remove These Defects Of
Character."
Why, dear God, wasn't I warned about step six, as it looks so simple and I
will have to admit it is simple? When I admitted way back in step one
that my life was a garbage can filled at all times by my compulsive
eating, life did not seem so bad. Okay, there were things, people, places and
situations that needed to be changed, and excessive food consumption was
number one.
Somewhere between steps one and four, I received the daily gift of
abstinence, but not for long. I believe now that the ride on the big pink
cloud is ours for a certain period of time, and if we have not marched
on, "POOF," we fall off the cloud and break both our abstinence and our
ass. I had one helluva brat attack during the time span of regaining
some 200 + pounds. Damn nasty thing to do, even if it was deserved.
I remember that huge rock of compulsive eating being removed from my
path, only to come face-to-face with all of my character defects living
under the rock, some of which I really enjoyed. I remember the fear of
having just emptiness - should I continue on this journey, who or what
would I be? What do I do with this anger, resentment, pride, lust, envy and
hatred - all of them faithful companions all my life? What would there be
of me? I knew now from experience the abstinence was mine, as long as my
God lifted the aforementioned defects, and whenever I snatched one back,
even for a moment, the result was a weight gain. Was I really ready to
give up the defects, or merely the consequences of my actions?
Lying, stealing and cheating were my booze, my cocaine, my heroine, and could I
function without them? The feelings uncovered by that big rock, once
removed, scared the hell out of me. A single remark by my sponsor
steadied my resolve. He put his arm around my shaking shoulder and
whispered "live or die, make a decision." I chose to live and what a
glorious life! Yes many new methods of coping had to become part of how
I live my life. Bad, scary and empty feelings will go away if ignored.
When people hurt me, the initial anger need not turn to rage. I do not
need to hit the offenders, but walk away leaving them to deal with the
anger.
A case in point: my driving gets worse with age so I buy bigger cars. As
I tooled down a local street I cut off another driver and when his
horned blasted I looked him in the eye and said, "I'm sorry." Damned if he did not get nasty and vicious with his mouth, and the anger verged on rage.
Program at work - as we came side by side at the next traffic signal, I put
my window down, looked him in the eye once more, and said "I don't love you any more." As the light changed, he sat mouth open, but voiceless. The car behind blasted his horn and the sight of them screaming obscenities at each other brought a smile to my face. Not because they fought, but because I found another way, and there was no
empty feeling, nor did I disappear. God had done for me that which would
be impossible for me alone. I try to remember at each meal, to leave a fork or spoonful of each item on my plate, until now I stop eating not when full, but when no longer hungry. There is a big difference. I have also learned to breathe when eating, and good conversation will make so-so food more tolerable. Then again when the disease takes over taste makes little difference.
So are you ready to give up the defects, or just the consequences of
same? We now separate the children from the adults. We can enjoy the
freedom our HP holds out, or be fat and blame it on our mothers, who else?
We can accept the changes we need, or go along blaming an adult from a bad childhood experience, for every little or big thing encountered along the road. Become the person Your HP made you to be, or another professional victim. So many need to know
what this step means to you, so tell us and please try not to agree with
me too much, or at all, as I might have my mind changed by my HP. It is a
lifetime of one change after another. AND WHY NOT....GAS....Danny
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