LEADER'S SHARE ~ STEP FIVE|
You know that it was my instinct to protect myself from the 'cruel world' that waited for me outside my door. This protection took on many forms including never admitting I was wrong, never disclosing that an event left me feeling affected in any way shape or form and never affirming that I have been hurt.
I kept these secrets deep inside of me, buried under piles of guilt, shame, anger and fear. To divulge even their existence was, I felt, screening my vulnerability and exhibiting my Achilles heel for the world to see. You know that cruel world I spoke of earlier!
You can imagine my apprehension in taking Step Four, uncovering all those clandestine feelings most of which I had not really given much thought to; I was too busy concealing them deep inside of me and few were given an opportunity to be aired since. Step Four brought many emotions to the surface, but with Your help I kept a lid on them. Seeing them for the first time was like the light had been switched on and I could see they were a means by which my disease kept me chained to my past - but You can imagine my horror at reading the 'instructions' for Step Five.
You were asking me to say these things aloud; twas bad enough writing them down but now I was to confess them, not only to You but to myself and another living soul! I had done a good job of ignoring what was inside of me. I thought that this was how people got over the bad events in their lives. Ok so I was not perfect and I did do wrong, but I thought that as long as I promised not to do it again I was ok.
Ok so yes, I admit that there is pain and shame in some of the events of my past, but isn't that my punishment for being so cruel, in this cruel world?
I thought it was!
Ok so confessing my 'sins' to You is going to be difficult, because I know You can see through me and subsequently no stone will go unturned, but why am I to confess to another? By telling another of my deeds and feelings I guess I am taking ownership of them and unchaining myself from the guilt and shame that kept me locked in league with the disease.
I am going now then to spill the beans; do I have to tell all? I know a stupid question. I am going now then ...
Will You come with me?
OK, You don't need to push me; I'm going. Look, see we are here; maybe they won't answer the door; ok so it's best to get it over with. Here goes!
Dear God that was so good... it was difficult at first and my heart was beating so fast that the words got stuck in my throat... but once they came they kept coming until at last they were all out... the events where I had been hurt... from right back and then the times when I had done wrong to others and how I was feeling... oh the feelings… They were all messed up and sometimes hard to explain... since I had never explained them before I guess... Then after... oh my God it was almost an hour... I came to the end and I felt so good because now I had a clean slate and I can see how these things had kept me from moving forward in my recovery... Dear God it was difficult... but boy am I glad I did it... and that I don't have to do it again... Phew!!!!
What do You mean I have to keep up this honesty one day at a time?
Oh, ok - I guess You know what You are doing .......