LEADER'S SHARE ~ STEP FIVE|
A resentment is a binge waiting to happen. And I was a bundle of resentments. There were so many that I was certain that I could never find an end to them.
We are only as sick as our secrets. Well, I was pretty sick. There were some really nasty secrets I had to keep. Actually, there was more to it than merely keeping the secrets; there was a lie to be maintained along with them. We keep the white elephant in the living room a secret, yes, but also we have to deny that it is there.
The thing I resent most is all those people who put the elephant in my living room, and convinced me that it wasn't there. It is all their fault. Please pass the food.
Wallowing in self pity is characteristic of the addict. Poor little me. Challenge this, and you will find that the addict usually either turns turtle or turns mean. Becomes a victim or a victimizer. Good addicts can play both roles as needed.
How can I deal with all this insanity? The middle steps are all concerned with this process. I well remember that I could not see why the steps were so spread out. Well, thank God they are. I can manage discrete little steps. Only the grandiose illusions of an addict can think of doing it all at once.
I had already had those telling experiences I mentioned to you about my HP removing my compulsive hunger pangs when asked before I got to this step. That was probably a very good thing. It was predisposing me to trust HP, so now I felt that I could approach HP without so much fear. What I really didn't know how to trust was that something would happen, not counting the promise that something good might happen. My resentments usually built up to several points, resulting in spewing of rage, bingeing, and drunkenness. The idea that there was some kind of magic that could fix this seemed a bit absurd.
As to the secrets, well, they were sufficient to require years of therapy. I have had the good fortune to live in a part of the world where there were many good therapists, including specialists is eating disorders. I don't have any secrets anymore, and guess what? The resentments seemed to diminish along with.
Well, an HP who can remove the compulsion to eat just might also be able to remove all these defects of character. I thought at least I'd give it a try. Nothing else had worked, and there were those who insisted that this did. It was my last best hope, anyway.
Now, I believe that the universe and the HP are working together to create good and spread love. This is a belief I have come to hold as a result of being in recovery and working the steps. A significant part of this system is that there is always enough energy, enough power, present in reality to do whatever needs to be done to align my reality with that of the universe and its Creator. My resentments were a result of denying this reality, of not accepting that this is the real fruit of surrender. Once I began to realign myself in this new reality, the former things began to become less useful, less real, and not really necessary. The new space outside my box simply began to render all the old ways moot. Step Four began this shift of the perception of reality for me, and Step Five carried the process further.
I was in bad shape, and for my first time, I chose to share my inventory with my therapist, which was a good choice at that time. I needed the support of the trained professional. Now is another time, and another matter. You choose whomever you need to, but do it. See what it's like out in the sunshine. Stop wasting all that energy cleaning up behind the elephant while denying that there is anything to clean up!
Then tell us how it felt to have done so. Share with me.