LEADER'S SHARE ~ STEP FOUR|
I do hope You remember more than I do about my adventure in doing this
step. I do remember my sponsor telling me that she would look at it but
my 5th step would have to be with someone else. To this day that action
on her part is a mystery to me. I was handed back my version of War & Peace and told okay kid, now go write your inventory - not that of all the people you see as your tormentors. Write only of your character defects and not how they were born. As I
now look back, the defects that ruled my life were not many - fear, grandiosity, resentment and from these sprang the lying, cheating and stealing. Mostly, if I had to pick one, it would be fear. Your guess is as good as mine; however, it is not my intent to do
another fourth step inventory.
The big book merely suggests we do this - just a suggestion, but then again
when asked to go to jump school with the 11th Airborne Division it was also
suggested I wear a parachute. I said thanks, but no thanks, as my fear
left little room for faith. Many in both my AA and OA rooms have refused to take pen in hand; they are drunk or stuffing their face with food. Weighing as I did at over
537 pounds and having lost and regained enough weight to build a
bus, well there was no choice. I learned something about myself. I
enjoyed being a liar, thief and cheat as these defects gave me some
status in the neighborhood. I think this falls under grandiosity flamed
by the fear of not being recognized.
I found that the past has absolutely no bearing on now. How my parents, teachers, friends, enemies, relatives treated me has nothing to do with me today, and if my inventory sticks to my part alone, then all my fears and resentments mean nothing as they are what prompted my actions yesterday and have no meaning of today. Today I have my Higher Power to guide and instruct me. The fear and resentment of yesterday are what cloud my vision and understanding of today. To me, this is the real reason my inventory was a must, as the need to see this world as an adult overwhelmed my childish reasons for not letting go of the past.
It makes little difference to today if we see yesterday as adults with faith and forgiveness, for as we forgive we are forgiven. I need always remember I had a part to play in all things even as a child. The sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of much older
relatives was not my fault. Using that as an excuse for my behavior is
my fault. Every time I excuse my behavior by pointing at something or
someone else, that is my part in keeping the resentment alive.
The reason my inventory helped me so much is that it freed me from the
past. I remember all too well the feeling of freedom when my sins were
told to and forgiven by a priest. He himself may well have been a
terrible person but my heart was light and my soul lifted. 4th step
followed by a 5th step will do that for you.
Was it easy? No, not until I put pencil to paper and my very being was
consumed with writing out my fears, my resentments, my grandiosity, my hatred, my greed and my undying need for unconditional love.
It is my prayer to the GOMU that all who read this are able to let go of
the fear of seeing themselves as adults, with a loving God holding their shaking hands. Oh you will get to know a marvelous freedom and think to yourself how silly it was to be afraid. Ask yourselves what I did, has my God carried me all this way to abandon me now? Probably not. Start to write, not later, not tomorrow but this very minute.
Later, after you start this adventure of finding you, stop. Stand back
and examine how you feel this minute. Ask yourself if the fear is still
there - just be honest about it. Here is the important part, take a few
precious moments to share that feeling, good, bad or indifferent, with all of us. If you have doubts or fears left the only way to subdue them is to shine God's light on them.
One of you sick puppies :-) might say something that will save a
life, maybe mine. Wherever this share leaves you, tell us so we might help
or be helped. It is in the sharing of our minds and souls we come to be
AND WHY NOT......Danny