LEADER'S SHARE ~ STEP THREE|
I canít say that having read the "instructions" for this third step that I was at all happy with making a decision of any kind. Turning my life over to the care of God was one thing, but to turn my will over to Him as well seemed downright silly. After all I had spent years fine tuning my will, fashioning a persona behind which I could hide. I was not so sure that I was ready to hand my creation over to anyone, let alone God.
My will is what had kept me alive, safe from harm all those years, it was my will that sought shelter, provided the hide of steel needed to protect myself from the sticks and stones hurled in ignorance and prejudice. Was I ready to let down my defenses, was I ready to open the fortress I had so carefully constructed; I should say not!
However I knew if I had any chance of life in recovery, I had to embrace the whole kit and caboodle and accept that someone far cleverer than I had fashioned these steps with a purpose and guidance from God. So it was that a blind faith was born in God; the one I had acknowledged in step two was credited with being part and parcel of the creation of these steps that I now follow.
At first it was difficult to know exactly how to hand over my life to the God of my understanding, after all I could hardly wrap it up and gift it to Him could I? It wasnít a physical handing over, not something I could roll up my sleeves and get stuck in to. It was a spiritual action as far as I was concerned.
I began with asking God what it was that He wanted me to do with my days, where did He want me to go, how did He want me to act and react. I never knew how to talk to God so I just did, like He was right there beside me. Sometimes I spoke openly and other times it was more of an inwardly directed conversation.
No one taught me how to recognize the "voice" of God and yet I was expected to know His will for me! I decided that perhaps I was meant to wait and listen, so after I had sought Godís guidance and wisdom I would sit and wait. Frequently the waiting seemed endless and to no avail. However after a while I began to feel things I had never felt before, kind of like a knowing the right and wrong path to take. A still small "voice" emerged from within me, almost always it seemed to guide me along the most difficult paths, the ones I would have done anything to avoid, and at first I did ignore the wisdom I now recognize as Godís.
Today my journey of recovery includes hours upon hours of communication with God, I still canít describe His "voice" and just maybe it is something unique to each individual, but for me it is a feeling of what is right, what is wise and what is recovery and more importantly what is not.
Handing my will and my life over to the care of God has been just that - it is not to say that occasionally my will gets in the way of things - but always I am cared for. I have never been let down by God and always I am left amazed at the power of His wisdom. The strength He has bestowed upon me in my life has been wonderful, and proof of this is in the life I am leading today as a university student.
I thank God for taking the lump of clay that my life before pretty much resembled and for moulding it into what it is today. I thank Him for taking the seedling that struggled with the stifling weeds, and nurturing it into the flower she is today.
Today I thank God.