Step Three

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives
over to the care of God as we understood Him


Dear God,

Wow, I'm not so sure I like writing essays, as all I can say is what I've read, and here in the share portion it is me, my life and just how it is lived on a daily basis over the last twenty-six years. Today is not a day like any other day, as each one is such a gift, even when bad things happen, and they do happen. For so many years - I almost said wasted years but they were used for learning - it has taken a good part of those years to find out just whoYou were and then who I really am. And I'm different each day due to the experience I lived through in the past twenty-four hours. So what is written is old and what is done now will be old when read. My God changes me every day and I like it.

It has been so long since I first heard step three at a meeting there is no recollection as to my understanding. No that is not true: there was no understanding at all. I was numbed by my food addiction and understood only where my next meal would come from and the snack before and after that meal. Nothing but nothing meant anything to me save my next fix. Making a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understood God, was, I thought, some sort of joke. A damn cruel joke at that! Nothing is that easy and I was right. So many of us do not read what is written but what we wish were written. The first time in OA I said okay, okay, I turn myself over to God, my body carried over 537 pounds of ignorant hate. That was one thing I was good at: Hate.

To the world at large this man was the jovial fat man you hear so much about, always laughing at himself, and God forgive me, those who suffered more than I did. There weren't many of those around.

My first OA meeting took place mid-February of 1975 and my first sponsor, now deceased, streamed across the room at break time saying I want you. I got pretty excited, as it had been a long time since any female said those words to me, in any form. I was given a food plan with firm instructions on when to call my sponsor and handed a meeting list. Pick four meetings to attend each week as you, I was told, are a terminal case and in need of extra help. No kidding I thought.

Although steps one and two had not penetrated my food-fogged mind, the weight fell off at 1.5 pounds a day for many days. My meals were three a day with zero save water. Each day, did I write it down? No. Did I weigh and measure? No. Did I take step three? A thousand times the words came from my mouth, however many years passed until I understood just what those words meant.

I remember now the many messages God sent to me which were promptly ignored. God does not scream at me - just whispers and speaks through other people's words and actions. I became a guest speaker in the tri-state area and was damn good at it. Was I a fraud, or an instrument of God, as my words were heard far and wide?

Only recently, in the past four or five years, did I come to understand why I heard so often in the back of my mind, do step three and get started on step four. A lot of water passed under my bridge before I realized step three was making a decision, nothing more. No magic potion to take, allowing God to take over, not at all. When I knew what must be done in order to survive there was enough fear in me to move forward. Over several years I had eaten myself back to over 400 pounds. What a mess! Another failure. But was I? Much self knowledge had been learned and many horrible war stories about the dreaded 4th step. What a crock and I bought into it. Where was there one iota of intelligence in me, being afraid of something done before and being done by millions of recovering people?

Now I go to meetings to see what happens to folks who do not go to meetings. All I'm asked to do in this step is make a decision. That is all. Nothing else is required except making a decision. So all right says I, the decision is made but I still want to eat. I've done it, turned my will and my life over to this God and nothing happens. This is true. Many of my acquaintances have gone on being food abstinent for many years, dry drunks, who sooner more than later relapse big time and howl, God is a phony! Just a phony! And so is the whole crappy program. When questioned they sheepishly admit that three is as high as they can count. God never was handed the job of caretaker, only a decision was made. We compulsive people sure can bullshit ourselves, and the normies don't care because they don't want to or have to.

Easter time in 1975 and I'm seventy pounds down to about 460+ pounds. The ex-wife, children and I go to her family for the Easter Holidays. I'm the last one left downstairs and at 3 a.m. after being praised for the weight loss and extolling the virtue of OA and myself, I hit the ice box and wipe it out leaving just enough behind to justify leaving the containers behind. The pain came swift and terrible; so intense my eyes felt as though they would pop from their sockets. Heat ran from head to toe, as perspiration fell from me as I fell to the floor. How was I going to live much less regain my feet? That was indeed the first time I knew in my heart that God was close at hand. Almost without effort I stood, pain free and was lifted up two flights of stairs to my room.

The next morning a long distance call to my sponsor revealed my spiritual experience. That afternoon my face was back in the food. Though unknown to me, many years later God had given me a taste of serenity just enough for me to search for more. It was not until I accepted step three as merely a decision, to be followed in the quickest possible time with the DREADED 4TH STEP. AAAHH!!! Be ye not afraid cause if it is in the dictionary some other fool already did it.

Come with me, hold tightly to my free hand, the other is holding onto God as we pull up our shorts and go bravely ahead to a new found freedom and serenity. Surely if we hit a bump here and there we will just hold each other. Hell people! There are well over 350 of us on WTS alone and more have joined us from other loops! Let each of us search our reason for being here and get on with life. Help each other! Grab hold of the next person and pull. Share you with me as I have with you. If you don't share, you ain't there.

AND WHY NOT.....Danny

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