LEADER'S SHARE ~ STEP TWO|
In 1992-93 I had begun to realize certain things. My blood pressure was
going up, and was already over the safety line. My blood sugar suggested
that I was borderline diabetic, getting worse. I weighed so much that my
feet hurt when I stood on them or walked. I had no breath. Perhaps as bad, I
had become a cynic. I was defeated. I was full of rage and depression at
the same time. I felt that I would die before much longer, and that there
was nothing I or anyone could do about it. Perhaps a few people cared, but
they were powerless to help me. If there was a bottom any lower than this, I
don't want to know what it is. It surely felt like living in hell to me. Oh, yes, did I mention that I washed down all the food with alcohol? It was just another food to overeat.
On April 9, 1993, I came to OA. I had been aiming that way for a couple of
months, and finally got up the nerve. Not to go, but to call someone about a
meeting. That someone was very helpful and very concerned, encouraged me to come to the next meeting. Managed to elicit a promise from me that I would be there. Had to cut out on something else to get there, but I did.
It occurred to me as the people went through the format and talk that I
really was powerless over food. I had almost as much admitted this to myself already. I had accepted the idea that food would kill me. Nothing willful
left there. But Higher Powers were another thing. I had become a cynic. If
there were a God, why should I care any more about him than he seemed to care about me? In fact, what need did I have of that hypothesis at all? Nothing happened when I prayed, and nothing happened when I didn't.
Now the speaker was very good, and I came to realize that actually doing the
program would not be at all impossible for me. Indeed, I was in a fortunate
place. There were many meetings very nearby. I could get all the program I
wanted or needed (I did, in fact). But the HP thing was throwing me.
Synchronicity or coincidence is almost always a sure sign that God is at
work, even if anonymously (what else?). There was this one guy there about my age who looked like he wouldn't bite, and had announced at the time that he was an available sponsor. After the meeting I asked him about the God-thing. He told me about Ziff, the God as-if. Act like it just might be true, and
then perhaps I could discover it was. This guy, I soon found out, led a
weekly meeting on Spirituality and Recovery, and was a spiritually profound
person himself. He also was willing to be my sponsor.
This was my beginning. As I worked the steps, I had my first real spiritual
awakening, and have continued to be awakened pretty often ever since. But
that is another story. For that day, April 9, 1993, Ziff was good enough. I
went home from that meeting and the conversation with my new sponsor with a food plan and resolve to follow it. This resolve would be tested, and next
week I can tell you what Ziff did in that time. For now, I hope that you
either have found your HP, or are willing to act like it. What's your story
Share with me.