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VIEW FROM MY JOURNEY

One Day at a Time


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Dear Friends In Recovery,

Hi Guys, Auds here, sober and abstinent one day at a time by the grace of God, this fellowship, and my own effort.

"There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension. One of these days is Yesterday with its mistakes and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our ability to change it. All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said."

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, but it will rise. Until it does we have no stake in it as it is yet unborn.

This leaves only one day. Today . Any man can fight the battle of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities, Yesterday and Tomorrow, that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives men mad. It is remorse and bitterness for something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.

THEREFORE, LET US LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME."

Just For Today, Alcoholics Anonymous


Hmmmm! I agree with the above. It is the main thing that got me sober and abstinent. However (this is just yes but in disguise) I have trained horses most of my adult life and with them tomorrow counts. You need to make a plan which will bring you to the race they will perform in, tomorrow, next week, or with the good ones next month. What you don't need to do is envisage calamity. You don't need to worry about their soundness. They will either get there or they won't. You need to do today what needs to be done to enable them to do tomorrow what will need to be done tomorrow and so on until the day of the race.

Now I know we are not race horses, but we can do today what needs to be done. This usually makes tomorrow better. Our homework is done, we are prepared for the things required of us on a daily basis.

When I was in school, I often woke up in fear because the night before I had not prepared the things that I needed to prepare. I didn't want to face the day of failure. I ate to avoid feeling panic. I never thought to face projects a little at a time. I always said "Oh, that isn't due until ___. In adulthood, I procrastinated over tax due date, bills were left languishing in a wicker basket, etc. Now I couldn't pick up the telephone, it was either a bill collector or someone who declared disgust at my behavior the night before.

I hid in my room and ate and drank until I was in a stupor which anethecized my feelings. That brings up Yesterday. When into my addictions I needed constant approval. I drank to have enough courage to go out and then I did things that distressed me when Tomorrow came. The telephone would ring and someone who had applauded me last night would say "do you know what you did last night?"

Why did I have to "buy" affection? Why did I have to do for everyone what I could not do for myself? I was a saint! I washed and cooked and worked and solved everyone's problems. Why did I have to do those obscene things I did to get others to laugh. Why did I always have to be what you wanted and not what I was? Hmmmmm.

Why did I need a wall of fat around me to keep you at arms length while resenting the fact that you stayed there?

The result was that I lived in Yesterday. Why did I or How dare they became my watch words. I retreated from life. I went to work early and left early. My assistant trainer did the things that needed to be done and I resented her for it. I retreated into silent scorn. These feelings of rage and righteous resentments made me feel powerful indeed. Of course when I came to after bingeing , I deserved a drink and a sandwich, those people were rats and my life was horrible and etc. etc. I felt remorse at my behavior. Soooooo. you guessed it food and alcohol comforted me.

Eventually the yesterdays of outrageous behavior became the tomorrows of isolation from family and friends. I couldn't bare to see the condemnation in their eyes. I had no clothes that fit, only the stretch kind that I wore day and night, sleeping and working. Those few pitiful pieces of cloth were dirty, because the washing maching was used to hide trash, when those who hadn't given up on me invaded my house. I had a long driveway and I could run down stairs and put trash and clutter in oven, dishwasher, under the sink and in the washing machine and drier giving my house the appearance that I cared about it. Or so I thought.

No wonder I had no problem with the first step. My life was obviously unmanageable even in the depths of my denial that I had a problem I could admit that fact.

One of the promises of this program is that no matter how far down the scale we have fallen, our journey will help another in their road to recovery. So we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

I do not regret my past or anyone elses as these are the stepping stones of recovery. When I hear my story, I know I am not alone. When I hear my story I feel like one of instead of less than.

Just for today I live in the day. If tomorrow looms, I remember my sponsor saying how are you now? How important is it. Will you die if that happens? Then I pray the serenity prayer which I sometimes shorten to HELP.

My journey started many years ago and I relapsed when I thought that I had graduated. The year and a half I spent in relapse was one of worst times of my life. I had a lot of material sucess, but none of it filled the hole where serenity, sobriety, and abstinence had been.

So just for today, meetings are a must. I attend between five and seven a week. I love to go. I look forward to being with other bozos on the bus who are just like me.

My attitude of gratitude is not always on high, in fact the how dare theys sometimes intrudes on my serenity. But now the tenth step keeps me recognizing I am not always right, I am not always wrong. Promptly is still not in my wll used repetoire, but eventually is getting closer and closer.

Yesterday is the reason I am here and just for today tomorrow's problems are not yet . So just for today I thank my higher power for each moment of sanity and the wisdom to know how to live in gratitude for all the promises which come true day after day. My financial health may not be great but one day at a time I am doing those things which might enable me to survive another day. I call people, I pay small amounts, I ask for time. all these things were beneath the great I am. Thank God just for today I know my creditors are not mind readers. They need to be told that I intend to set things right, They don't need to trust me until I become trust worthy. So my business went down the tubes, am I different from millions of others. No!!! hmmmm oh well being one of is so happifying. Being happy joyous and free is what this program is all about so I am off to that place where I hear what I need to hear.

As usual take what you need and leave the rest. Know that this brings hugs and love from me and that your higher power loves you as much as I do.

xxoo Auds



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