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VIEW FROM MY JOURNEY

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F.E.A.R.



Hi, My Dear Ones, Auds here sober and abstinent one day at a time, by the grace of God, this fellowship, and my own effort.

FEAR?

FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL!

I have been to a lot of meetings this week. I go to a lot of meetings every week. Meetings are where I hear what I need to hear, say what my Higher Power gives me insight to say and also those things which my Higher Power has nothing to do with. I always pray that those words are forgotten by any one who is offended by them.

This week most meetings have been on the Twelfth Step whether or not they are step meetings. Of course I think that all meetings are Twelfth Step work, but that is just my opinion.

Yesterday a friend celebrated eight years of recovery and she still has issues with fear. Hmmmm. Fear is not banished forever, but with effort it can be banished in each individual case. My sponsor says "How important is it? Are you going to die, if that happens?", and other similar wise things like the false evidence appearing real thing.

My dear sponsor is constantly telling me ,"I think you can do that, Dear" and my new sponsor says "Have you turned it over?" I need both points of view, not to say that they both don't say the things the other says. Hmmmm! So just for today when I am sitting like a deer in a car's head lights, paralyzed with fear, I move one foot and then the other and if I am truly willing eventually the feared thing is dealt with. Sometimes my fears were well grounded but they haven't killed me yet. Doing two things each day I don't want to do, keeps me feeling I am worthy of peace of mind. These actions also begin to clear a path to solution.

How many 'yes buts' left me with the same problem following me around for ages. My OA sponsor says that if I run from a problem it will never be solved it will just keep running behind me. When I turn to face my problems at least they will eventually pass. One of her best sayings is "even if you are on the right track, if you just sit there you will get run over."

So just for today I realize my work is not finished ... I need to keep at those things that need to be finished. My upstairs is a wreck. I started clearing out closets, to pick those things that need to be thrown away or given away and there are piles all over the place and the drop cloths and paint are waiting to finish Lisa's room. The peeling wallpaper has been half stripped and sanded but there is still the stuff on the bed and floor to deal with as well as the IRS and the bank for loan to pay the aforesaid. Taxes are now done due to one step at a time but the actual telephone call needs to be done. Dentist and doctor appointments need to be kept, etc. Oh well ... progress not perfection.

So you get the idea that there always two things I don't want to do to choose from. Tomorrow loan and telephone call.

It's funny how we can see our faults more easily than our good stuff. Yesterday at a Twelfth Step meeting we were asked how we worked the Step ... how we practiced these principles in all our affairs. I am always scared to share any accomplishments that might be thought of as bragging. Now how do we teach the new comer to embrace his or her good stuff, if we don't share ours? Well, I shared Mari's comments on my writing helping others and then was fearful of sounding like the great I am. Naturally I tried to back pedal. Then I added "Why are we so afraid to share what is a compliment. How come I can't just say thank you and not feel the need to explain why you are probably wrong, when you say wonderful things to me.?"

Naturally in the following half hour, I heard I was not the only one who had this problem ... something else to work on. Oh well I graduated once and it took me a year and a half to get my recovery back so I am glad to have the need to say once more. Progress not perfection.

As usual take what you need and leave the rest.

xxoo Auds

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