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VIEW FROM MY JOURNEY

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Commitment



Hi Guys,

Auds here ... sober and abstinent one day at a time by the grace of God, this fellowship and my own effort.

I believe failure is a big success when you have tried something hard! "Tried" is the operative word here. I tried many diets and failed. I tried to stop drinking and failed. I don't believe much success was involved here. How did I try, what did I try? Hmmmmm! "I have tried to lose weight" was lip service to no actual effort. Certainly I would have some success when actually trying to diet, but (and here is another key word "BUT"), but after two weeks when the first water weight had gone and now I was regaining weight lost by using an impossible meal plan, I gave up. I might have tried for a moment but where was the commitment to a life style and meal plans that did not scream "I'm your excuse to fail!"

In OA/AA I was told one day at a time. You can do anything for 12.14, or 16 hours that you might not be able to do forever. Forever is a defeating word. I have dropped it from my repertoire. Just for today has replaced a lot of things. Progress not perfection has been added to my realm of sanity. Try has taken on new meaning.

Just for today I will try:

To live in the now.
To not tackle my whole life's problem at once.
To let my higher power do for me what I can't do myself
To adjust myself to what is, not adjust what is to me.
To strengthen my mind.


This took a lot of doing for I found it difficult to sit still when I had been used to running constantly to refrigerator and bar for calmer downers. At first I read for five minutes and each day I could concentrate a little longer. I found myself continuing to read just another paragraph before I felt the urge to eat or drink. I learned that discomfort was not the same thing as hunger. I learned that tea satisfied that gnawing feeling that I "needed" something. I learned that need and want were two different things. Oh my it took time but eventually I substituted something useful for something anesthetizing.

Just for today I will have a plan. I may change that plan but I will need to call my sponsor first. The fact that the telephone is not my best thing made a lot of plans stay in place. I needed to do an honesty check before saying I needed more of anything. And yes less of anything. A day not planned leads me to thinking that is not healthy for me. I begin to think I might look in the refrigerator and change my meal plan. I might change my meeting plan. Both of these slippery places can lead me to a slip. My sponsor can always restore me to sanity by suggesting that I am doing too much or too little. that my meal plan is fine as it is and that tomorrow I might make another plan. Looking in the fridge is like looking in the bakery window. Why do it when you don't need to start thinking unhealthy thoughts?

I will try to be agreeable, Hmmmm! I guess this means I can't indulge in the "how dare they do that's" just for today. I will try to enjoy what is beautiful without questioning it's permanence. This too shall pass, but it will come again.

I will have a quiet half hour all to myself and I will not answer the phone or children's demands, unless threats to life are concerned. Actually I get in the tub and read something program and then think about it while I steep.

I will try to be courteous. It's funny how a smile and a "I understand your point of view, you may be right, I'd like to think about that," can diffuse a volatile situation.

When I am hungry, angry, lonely. or/and tired I over react and the result is feeling less than. If I feel less than why TRY to do what I know is good for me. Hmmm! So I can make a commitment to try to practice these things in all my waking hours. I mean really try, I mean look at myself in the mirror and say 'good work ... you gave it your best.' Of course I need to make a commitment to abstain from sugar, alcohol and all those foods which make me feel the need for more. The first two are easy ... the trigger foods take time and experimentation. I do two things each day I don't want to do. The first is to ask my Higher Power to direct my honesty in meal planning and portion control. The second is to do anything I find myself thinking 'Oh I'll do that tomorrow.'

I am not good at the telephone. Any of my three sponsors will tell you that but each day I am getting better at connecting with them by e-mail, at meetings, and even the occasional telephone call. I don't believe try is word to connect to right thinking and right behavior. I think commitment is necessary for those things. My commitment has made me realize that no matter how many 24's I string together each one has taken effort and each one is a miracle. When I dieted or abstained from alcohol, I'd think but it's only been two weeks, I knew that next month or the month after I would lose my commitment and start justifying my small slips which led to lack of commitment and failure.

Now I take each day as it comes (most of the time) but my unshakable commitment to a workable food plan, no alcohol, resentments, or avoidance of the next right thing, keeps me in a healthy spiritual condition, without which failure is sure. It also makes me say to myself 'gee I did it for a whole day!' Let tomorrow take care of itself.

As always ... take what you need and leave the rest. Know that this brings you love and hugs from me and that God loves you and so do I.

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