Dear God,

We are sharing my first mug of java this a.m. and I am grateful to be alive, abstinent and in Your care. It is chilly this morning, and I was wondering how this could be in the middle of summer. Here we go again, someone stole my entire summer and the chief suspect is time. Time is sort of like ice cream. The less there is, the faster it seems to disappear.

You know there was a time (there's that word again) when this would be enough to send me right to the food, but not today. My brain was also thinking, "How sad is the last forkful of food on my plate?" Is this what they call "stinking thinking?" The day will be full, and for this I am thankful. I await the arrival of Mary's new bed, an early Christmas present, lunch, a movie with the wise old man, a trip to "Tolbert House," and an A/A meeting. Perhaps there will be a meeting at 7 p.m., if any one comes. No one showed last night. My guess is that seven is not a good time.

There was only one mention of the WEDDING yesterday, and this man could have done without that one. I was invited to the bachelor party and was smart enough to decline, and not because I worried about being too stodgy. I'm afraid these kids won't be able to keep up with me. Besides that, the woman You sent to tell me what to do said, "No." She (the woman) said it's my mind making dates that my body won't keep. Very funny.

Please give my Michael some extra attention this weekend as he moves into his new home, where for the first time he will be alone. No mom, no frat brothers, just him. He will be too busy with a full time job and full time law school, so just be with him. I certainly could use another day of not stuffing myself, and thanks for yesterday. The knowledge of Your will and the wisdom and power to do same will be mine, I know. Your loving and watchful eye on all those who suffer, those who do and don't know it, and the people I don't like is requested.

Just for today allow me to be of some small service to You and whomever You send my way.

I have been in OA for nine years. I started doing service by setting up chairs. I'd arrive at the meeting early and talk with others who came early. I started feeling as if I belonged. Each week I offered a ride to a friend who doesn't drive. We've worked the program together for nine years and call each other regularly.

I've shared at meetings, marathons and conventions. I've called people I haven't seen recently. I've sent notes to members who were ill. I've written to members away on vacation and to those who have moved. All these actions have reinforced my commitment to program and my bond with other members. I've been a contact person for a meeting, kept my phone number on the hotline for people reaching out and recorded the hotline message. This service has reminded me daily to focus on recovery and give back what OA has given to me.

I do service at marathons and conventions to help provide these recovery events. I enjoy the results.

When I go to a doctor's office, I leave behind a copy of Lifeline or our intergroup newsletter to spread the message to those who still suffer. It takes no time or effort, and it may help someone find recovery.

I have learned to take care of my family, my community and myself. Once I had those priorities backwards, setting an unhealthy example for my children and burning myself out before I could do much good. From doing service in OA, I know I don't have to do everything. I keep myself healthy and stay aware of my family's needs, and I share service with OA out of love, not obligation.

I sponsor other OA members. My sponsorees are like an extended family to me. It is a great gift to enjoy these relationships based on love and trust as we share the road of recovery. I have not eaten compulsively during these nine years. I think you could say service has enhanced my recovery.

Reprinted from Lifeline, June 2001, Volume 29, No. 6, edited and reprinted from Sunsteps newsletter, Miami-Dade Intergroup, November l998

When I first walked through the doors of OA, I was scared. I was scared that it wouldn't work and then I was scared that it might work. I did not know what to expect or how to even accept it. I hid behind my layers of girth and it was a pretty good cover so that others couldn't see me the way I really was.

I knew that my life was unmanageable. I had resorted to "purging" myself with vomiting in order to stay thin. I knew that I was fighting a losing battle. I had began reading information about bulimia and how it affects us. How it destroys our teeth and injures our vital organs, could make our esophagus become disconnected and cause major problems there, so I had a desire to stop this practice.

I had always believed in God, and had dedicated my life to Him and His service when I was 17, so the Higher Power aspect of OA appealed to me. The only problem that I had in this area was making "letting go and letting God" work in my life. I had always been told by well meaning persons that if God took your hunger then you would be sick and lose it the wrong way. I believed it, so I was always on a "diet."

But there I was at the end of my rope, so to speak. I had heard someone say that when you "get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on," so that was what I was doing. Tying a knot in my lifeline by joining OA. I became abstinent immediately. I "white knuckled" it. I lost at least twenty pounds right away, so that was an encouragement for me to keep on program, but then a series of events happened, and I ended up having to move, so I lost out on my program and started eating again.

I found that I couldn't do without the Steps in my life. I didn't have an OA meeting to go, so I tried TOPS which didn't work for me, although I know it does for others. Then there was WW which did work as long as I could attend, but when I couldn't attend I again lost my way. And I am not putting these groups down, for I think that they are marvelous groups and are a wonderful help for people. It was just me and my compulsive nature which failed, not them.

Time after time I was subjected to failure. Trying and failing. Then trying again and failing again. But I continued working the Steps on my own and I read writings on the Twelve Steps and OA. Of course, I had my Big Book and kept my nose in it. One day, I accidentally found TRG and that was an answer to prayer. Overeaters just like me, isolated and confined. I could relate to them. I had friends. I didn't have to be "lost" anymore. I had come home.

Glad I found my answer one day at a time, one step at a time.

Working the Steps II

The Recovery site has a lot a good places to look for help. I have been WORKING THE STEPS with many of you.

I have been in OA for many years and I have attended many meetings, I read "For Today" each morning. I read stories in the AABB. I attend Retreats and Recovery Days in local and regional areas. I wrote a 4th step and gave service. I have been sponsored and did sponsoring.

It is with some surprise I am finding that WORKING THE STEPS is a lot different that doing the rest of the things I have been doing. All these things are important to recovery.

The important part of the whole program is WORKING THE STEPS. If you are not WORKING THE STEPS you are not working the program. The program is the steps. It is important to know the difference between WORKING THE STEPS and everything else. It may seem like a small difference but it could be the difference between a broken life and recovery.

~ Slice of Life ~ Isolation ~

"Isolation is but one thought away from solitude." ~ Sue Grace

Retreating from life to be alone with my feelings has been an age-old remedy for me when my life becomes unmanageable. In the peace I can hear my thoughts, in the calm I can see my goals, and in the tranquility I can pick my way through the mire that brought me to that point in the first place. Taking a step back from the roller coaster of life has always been my way of coping when I begin to realise I am not coping. For awhile I am comforted by the solitude.

To all intents and purposes I am still in the world at large, I go to work as normal, I perform my daily duties as expected and I live and breathe as always. I guess it is a couple of days before anyone really notices that I am not my "usual" self. I become quiet, unruffled, and generally disinterested in the politics of life. I withdraw into my own private world of thoughts. However, on the inside my mind is at first a battleground, trying to figure out where I went wrong. I am compulsive in trying to never make the same mistake twice; to my mind that is just down right foolish, once is enough for anyone! When the cause is identified, plans are formed and solutions found. You would think that having solved the dilemma, I would be ready to rejoin the world with my usual zest for life.

Oh no!

By this time I have realised that I am not missed, my words and ideas are not needed, and actually the world has trundled along quite nicely during my sojourn into myself. This is when the lethargy enters in; I see the gaps in conversations where once I would have leapt in with some self-inspired words. The silences to me are blatantly obvious; they have my name written all over them. However, I find that they soon pass without my needing to say a word.

I begin to question my part in life -- after all it moves ever onwards whether I play the game or not. I realise that I am not that important in the scheme of things. Moments come and go and still I choose not to utter a word, I choose not to emerge from the inner sanctum I have created, all the while feeling inwardly saddened by my apparent insignificance in the grand plan. Over-sensitivity begins to distort the reality of situations, common sense escapes, taking with it logic and any strength to pick up the tools and use facts that were once an essential element to living my life with good judgment. The lethargy grows ever more powerful until one day I realise I have not actually spoken to anyone in a week and I have become merely an observer of life.

With every day spent in isolation comes the challenge of trying to re-enter the game of life. Every day it becomes harder to take those few short steps towards freedom from the loneliness which slipped in through the back door. My self-esteem has plummeted to immeasurable depths and it is increasingly difficult to believe that I have anything of value to contribute. Feelings of unworthiness float around in my now empty mind. The original solutions to the original problems have long since expired and this new dilemma emerges.

Today I have just two allies still standing in my corner, God and my extraordinary stubbornness to live my life to the full, until God takes me home. I have memories of how I used to be, of how I woke every morning ready to face my day with God at my side. I have memories of laughing with tears rolling down my face and not really knowing why I am doubled up, my stomach aching so. I have memories of the sheer satisfaction of working towards a solution or tackling a challenge, the joy of receiving strength and overcoming my fears. I have memories of the boldness it took to stand up and fight for my beliefs and my rights. I have memories of the pleasure of giving. Looking back over the past few years of my life, I have come to realise that I got out of life as much as I was prepared to put in, nothing more and nothing less!

"Feast, and your halls are crowded. Fast, and the world goes by." ~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox

The Binge

~ FROM THE LITERATURE ~

The Promises from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity.
And we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our
experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain insight in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook will change.
Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

~ Reflections on The Twelve Steps of Recovery ~

Each day this week, I have written about one of the Twelve Steps. There have been days with certain steps that I find myself hardly able to stop writing. But I know that one can only say so much in a journal page and my intention was just to briefly touch on each step. Curled up on my sofa with my keyboard in my lap right now, I'm writing for a different reason. I am writing because I literally HAVE to.

The purpose of Step Nine is to clear away all the guilt and bad feelings we have been left with so that we can start anew with the relationships in our life. Those of us who are addicts have problems with relationships. In addiction we need them so desperately; yet, when we're "in the disease" we seek comfort in our addiction because we don't want to be hurt yet again by another relationship gone wrong.

So, here we are. We've made that long, long list of people in Step Eight that we have harmed and we've told God that we are willing to make amends to them all ..... and yet we look at that list and say to ourselves .... "this is just impossible." I will spend the rest of my life working Step Nine.

The next time I decide to take a step a day in this Journal to Recovery, I want all of you to remind me not to do it. I barely have gotten started on what this step is all about .... only that it is so very important. It's all about relationships .... and I just hope most of you have the 12+12 and a sponsor and WTS and lots of good supportive relationships at work in your lives now.

I was talking with a friend earlier. I'm really frightened about a lot of things right now. I'm not a person who reaches out easily but I am feeling very powerless with just about everything in my life. I mentioned to my friend that probably one of the reasons I'm in this place today is because of the problems within my recovery loop. I never realized how much I depended on my recovery loop .... I told her it was "the wind beneath my wings" and as long as I had that and God, I was armed to do battle with this disease we all share. Perhaps this is the reason I got down on my knees earlier and with the door closed talked out loud to my Higher Power and told Him that I am totally powerless ... and not just with my addiction ... but with everything in my life. It was a powerful few minutes .... the strongest first step I've ever taken. I suspect there will be another tomorrow.