
TOOLS OF RECOVERY
Perplexed About Abstinence?
My first OA sponsor had me write a food history when I first came into
OA. I recounted everything I could remember about my lifelong
relationship
to food. This included when, where and why I ate; eating buddies; binge
"sites," such as restaurants and favorite rooms in the house; trigger
emotions and trigger foods.
The idea of "trigger foods" was new to me. As I thought about my life in
the food, I began to see patterns. By the end of the food history, I had
a list of foods that were my main choices when I wanted to binge. I used
this list to identify foods from which I needed to abstain. I find that
abstaining from my trigger or binge foods (as well as trigger places and
situations) makes it easier to be abstinent, because I am not activating
my compulsion to overeat.
My list changes over time. Some foods that I could eat early in my
abstinence make me crazy now. Other foods I can eat with no problem
sometimes, but get obsessive about at other times. I try to gauge whether
I can handle them on a particular day. Within seconds of tasting some
foods I know I will never be able to eat them sanely. They give me the
crazies, taste too good or have me obsessing about when I can have them
again. When this happens, I usually pray about it, talk to my sponsor and
commit to not eating that food today. My current list of problem foods is
longer and more comprehensive than it was when I first made it, but I have
heard from people with long-term abstinence that "the road gets narrower."
This is not just about discipline or weight loss. It is about survival.
The "Big Book" tells me, and I believe it with all my heart, that I have a
mental obsession and a physical craving. When activated, the mental
obsession and physical craving are sheer hell. For today, I will do what
I must to avoid them. The temporary pleasure of eating a food that tastes
good, that brings back memories of old times or that my friends enjoy
isn't worth the risk. Give me abstinence with peace of mind.
I hope this is helpful to newcomers who may find all the talk in meetings
about abstinence, food plans, binge foods, flour and sugar perplexing.
Our
abstinence is all the same. We don't eat compulsively, one day at a time,
but our food plans differ widely. You may or may not be able to eat what
I eat and stay abstinent. Writing a food history helped me identify my
problem areas so I could ask for help and develop a food plan that was
healthy for my body and mind. Maybe this method will work for you, too.
Reprinted from OA's Lifeline, September 2000, Volume 28, No. 9 (N.W.,
Fairfax, Virginia USA)
FROM THE RECOVERY GROUP MEMBERS
Hello everyone, BlueRose COE here, recovered today....
Well, ladies and gents, today makes 12 days of back to back abstinence,
since my last slip. I want that to be my last slip, but I am human so we
will have to see. I pray for success one day at a time.
I have been on this journey since November 1997. Recovery started on that
day that I walked into my first f2f meeting, and I have not stopped
recovering yet. This is a lifetime journey, not an "over-the-counter
diet fix and I am through" journey. So as it is a lifetime journey, I
don't have to be in any kind of hurry. On a diet I wanted results so
fast, and the faster the better, and it didn't matter how much of my body
I destroyed as long as I saw results on the scales. But this journey is a
long, slow, forever journey. There is no end to this journey because as
we heal, we continue in this program to stay healed and to carry the
messages to our fellow men and women.
I like this slow process because it gives time for inner changes to
happen, so that when the outer changes take place the inner me can be
ready to face those changes. You know, it is sort of like the caterpillar
in the cocoon. It changes from the inside to turn into a beautiful
butterfly. Isn't God's plan wonderful! We may be in a cocoon changing
from the inside now, but someday we will emerge into a beautiful specimen
of God's making. And when we are in that cocoon we are not alone, we have
each other to see us through each change, not as a lonely caterpillar, but
surrounded by beautiful people who know what we are going through and know
how we feel. What a wonderful fellowship we COEs have together.
I don't know where all this came from, I just started writing. But I am
here to tell you that this journey is not a lonely one if you go to
meetings, f2f and online, because you find others who are just like you,
and many in the same stage of change as you are in.
People come and go in this program, but they all take a little of the
program with them, and most return to the meetings because this disease is
progressive. You may not have been as sick as I was or at the same stage
of this disease as I was, but I know that if God can arrest this disease
in me, he can do it in you.
When I first came into this program, I had my doubts that this program
would work for me. I thought I just loved to eat, I was not sick, I
didn't know why people call this a disease, all I needed was a good diet,
if only I had enough money I could buy the foods my body needed. What a
laugh! But then again, it isn't funny. My mind was sick, I was trying to
live my life with the reasoning of a sick insane mind.
Today I am slowly changing from the inside out. First I see that my mind
is healing and I am having more sane thoughts. I still don't trust my
thinking, that is why I have a sponsor to discuss my problems with before
they grow into bigger problems that I will want to eat over. I have a lot
of changing yet to do, but I can see progress and I can see changes in my
willingness to go to any lengths to protect my abstinence, and to carry
the message to as many as I can who are still suffering. Today I feel
healed, but I know that it depends on my working Steps 10, ll, and 12
daily in my life.
Today, with God's help and guidance, I can work these steps and be all
that God wants me to be.
I was very sick into this disease, and I was getting worse as the days
went by. I gave up ever being normal again. I destroyed my body by the
way I stuffed down food. My digestive track is destroyed, I don't know
if even God can mend it. I can hardly eat any spicy foods. My body just
don't tolerate them, but when I am bingeing I eat them anyway and then I
am so sick when I come off the binge. I pray that I never binge again. I
am willing to safeguard my abstinence by using all that is in my power,
and all that OA gives me, to use.
I am still overweight, but I lost a lot of fat between my ears. So I
know that the rest will come off in God's time frame. In the meantime
I enjoy each one of you sharing your ESH -- that is why this program
works so well for so many, because we share what we have learned.
God be with you all. I care about you, so don't you dare give up before
the miracle happens because you are going to know a new freedom, a new
happiness like you have never known before.
Love you,
BlueRose
Open Your Eyes
I looked out the window as the sun rose upon the horizon...
I thought of the child, born not to see
a snowflake, Santa, or the Easter Bunny.
A woman, who gave birth to her miracle child
never to see the first tooth or first smile.
The father who always dreamed he could see
how handsome and tall his only son would be.
The daughter who couldn't see the wet tears
streaming down mother's cheek ,as her untimely death became near.
Princess, Daddy's little girl, she never would see
what a beautiful bride they said she would be.
The beauty of a flower, in the warmth of the sunlight
the full moon gleaming amongst the stars of the night.
My sweet Pepere who no longer can see
because he's been taken away from me.
From somewhere a new sight has been given to me
hand and hand with peace and serenity.
For today, I am able to see
the beauty of that all around me.
Tomorrow I know not what the future brings
But today I am thankful for many, many things.
My vision, the sounds that I am able to hear
The touch of a hand, the friends that are near.
A reminder that has been sent to me
just open your eyes, and you too will see.
The things that we have, we seem to forget
Im know you have too, I'd be willing to bet.
When the struggles seem just too much to bear
just open your eyes, and see what is there.
The love, the strength, the true friends that care,
just open your eyes and become fully aware..........
Lori
MY RECOVERY
I thought I was doing really well. I spend about two hours a day
studying the Big Book and the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of OA. I worked
this program to the best of my ability, using all the tools, going to
meetings, and doing service. Putting my recovery first, I did everything
I could in this fight for my life and my sanity.
And then I met you.
You had lost far more weight than I. You looked fantastic. You are
everything I wanted to be. Lifeline (and OA) is full of people like you
- and not me. You seemed to float along with ease while, no matter how
I tried to buck myself up, I fell down. What is wrong with me? Couldn't
I even do this right? Am I a failure at everything I do?
I looked back at the last 18 months since I joined OA at 266 pounds,
depressed almost to suicide, isolated and unable to communicate. I
almost choked on the food as I crammed it into my mouth in an effort to
stuff down my emotions. Tears streamed down my face as I helplessly ate
my way through the contents of my refrigerator and pantry. I hated
myself, and I was sure everyone else also hated me.
OA gave me back my life. Recently I hurt my back, and I had at least 17
phone calls and eight visitors offering love and support. OA allows me
to share my emotions with my sponsor and at meetings. I don't need food
anymore to be my only 'friend'. I've lost 56 pounds, which has enabled
me to walk properly again. During my walks I talk to my best friend -
my HP. I've gained so much from the program, but I was letting my disease
snatch it back again by falling into the trap of comparing your outside
with my inside.
My dear OA friend, I am so glad that you too have embraced this terrific
program and that you have found your own special recovery. I hope you
will be glad for me too. For today, I have been able to lick this disease
and give my recovery all I've got.
We are working this TOGETHER and we're both OK.
Marlene (First printed in Lifeline, May 2000)
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
Dear OA friends,
I'm on the OA road of recovery again, and it feels so good! God is
holding my hand on one side, and my OA friends on the other side. I've
been in OA for 5 years, and most of that time I've been struggling.
The truth is that relapse is a big part of my story. Unfortunately,
with each relapse I didn't just get back on the horse again. Instead, I
went searching for a better, different way to control my food. These
research excursions sometimes lasted a whole year. I found no easier,
softer way out there. I have not learned how to control and enjoy my food
at the same time.
So I'm back in OA, and thinking about what's going to be different this
time. I am powerless over food and my life is unmanageable. The fact
that this statement resonates within me as the truth is a good sign. I
have been beating myself up for years for not staying abstinent my first
go-around in OA. Maybe, though, my research excursions were really
necessary. As it says in the Big Book on page 449, "nothing, absolutely
nothing, happens in God's world by mistake."
So here I am, back again. Healthy breakfasts, lunches, and dinners have
never tasted or felt so good. After foggy months of overeating on junk
food, a healthy moderate meal is a breath of fresh air.
Back to that question: what's different this time? I'm willing to work
the whole program, not just selected parts. I'm willing to pray to be
willing.
And I'm taking this one day at a time.
Submitting an entry to a newsletter is something I've never done before.
This time is different.
Thanks,
Susan T. Rochester NY