The writer asked if we needed help. Do you know HTML? Yes. Do you know how to get writing from my computer and put it so that people all over the world can read it? Yes. Do you know what to do if a rose ends up sideways at the bottom of a page next to the copyright when it's supposed to be in the middle of the top? Yes. You're hired!!! The hours are long, the work is insane, the loops are growing faster than I can count them but the pay is extraordinary ~ our currency is miracles. "I'll take it," he said.

And so he did. His name is Gary, aka The NiteOwl, and he is one of God's greatest gifts to the Recovery Group. Gary puts up with more day in and day out than any man I have ever met and somehow someway knows what I want and transforms plain ordinary English words into < > and gibberish and // # HTML words and suddenly I get an e-mail with his famous one word "done" and I go to the page and there it is . . . what I could only envision in my mind right there for tens of thousands of people to see.

Gary is an OA member from Florida. He earns his living producing websites for people but is also a consummate photographer and musician. He has a beautiful family and why he does what he does and gives so much of himself to us, I will never know ... but this small tribute can't begin to say what this dedicated Trusted Servant has meant to me and to our group. The thousands of letters that flow back and forth between Gary's computer and mine have produced the 150 page website known simply as Recovery. I know of no other Trusted Servant who has given the time, the dedication, the dependability and the love that this man has.

And in this month dedicated to love ... and on the pages called Serendipity which have just about driven him to the point of insanity this week ... I wish to express the gratitude ... the love ... and the admiration we all feel to one very special loopie named Gary ... aka, The NiteOwl.

@-}-}-}------
Love in recovery,
Mari
The Recovery Group

Dear Friends,

I sit here on the morning of my 51st belly button birthday and think how grateful I am for Overeaters Anonymous and the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions and the tools and the folks in program, etc. Without this program, I know that I would be dead.

HP and this program gave me a new life -- a life better than ever. I came into this program (for real) in February of 1991. At that time, I was in the process of gaining weight that I had lost in Weight Watchers. Although WW had given me a great gift in teaching me how to eat and deal with my physical problem of compulsive overeating, my emotional and spiritual recovery was zilch. I was trying very hard in WW. Giving back my stars on my ribbon, trying to embarrass myself into being "good." And of course it wasn't working.

So a friend invited me to an OA meeting. She never showed, but someone else (now a VERY dear friend) who was a newcomer oozed me in the door and I have been going back now for nearly 9 years.

Not abstinent all of that time. When first getting started, I had major problems with the spiritual part of the program. Didn't believe in God. Actually scoffed (internally) at others who did. Well, after 3 months of following a food plan (a diet because I couldn't work the steps past Step 1 because I kept running into the God thing), something so horrible happened in my life that I had no alternative but to turn to God. Then I could turn my will and my life over to God and I was abstinent for 5 1/2 years. With a weight release of over 200 pounds. The gifts I received were enormous. I was off my blood pressure medicine. I could walk and breath at the same time. I looked great for my age. I loved folks and was willing to receive love. I had discovered acceptance.

Then came the relapse. I am still trying to figure out why those 180+ pounds came back so quickly (1 year of relapse). I have identified many reasons, primary being, I think, loss of faith. I don't think I ever went back to totally BP (before program) feelings in any area of recovery, but the avalanche had started and death was fast approaching. I was in Hell!

In the area of physical recovery, the outside evidence of abstinence was totally lacking. Back up to a size 3 or 4X depending. But I was doing 3 meals with no sugar and no alcohol and no breaded fried food. Just too much food -- and a paucity of exercise because of health reasons that just compounded exponentially as I gained weight.

In the area of spiritual recovery, I still believed in God, but had no faith as far as my personal life went. I had great fear in the "Thy will, not mine" philosophy. Something traumatic happened and continued to happen with my job and I guess I held HP responsible. Everyone kept saying, "This too shall pass," but I placed no credence in that statement. I did, however, believe in God, just not that he would play an active part in my life.

Emotionally, the fear started creeping back into my life. And that tainted everything else.

The fire was dead in my eyes. The program was almost dead in my life.

However, I never stopped going to meetings and that, perhaps, was my saving grace. I went to meetings. That got progressively hard as my weight climbed and that weight aggravated and caused disabilities. I thank God for the folks in Beaumont who offered me rides and called me while I was dying.

Without them, I might have given up. They wouldn't let me. And I didn't. I wanted my miracle back. And then it came. I consider that I came back from relapse on December 18, 1997. How and why is another story. Suffice it to say that I had to take the first 3 steps over again -- with VIGOR!

Since that time, I have released 157 of my relapse pounds. And God is once again at my side. I have absolute acceptance of the fact that I would be dead, not celebrating this birthday, if it weren't for God and this program. To them, I give thanks.

Today, I am especially grateful for the following gifts:

• My abstinence -- currently a weight releasing abstinence -- may I guard it and cherish it on a daily basis.
• A good relationship with HP -- may I continue to work on improving it and may I continue to remember that HP is the source of my gifts.
• I am more loving and forgiving, of myself and others. I recognize that we are all human beings. I truly recognize that "acceptance is the key."
• I have once again given up my blood pressure medication.
• When my disability is not acting up, I can walk without pain and actually breathe.
• I look pretty normal when I'm doing that walking.
• I had the courage to continue to go to meetings when I was drowning in denial.
• I had the courage to go back to my home meetings when I returned to Fort Worth. That was hard for me before I did it, but I realized there was no need for fear after the fact. Everyone loved me no matter that I had "plumped up."
• I don't need seat belt extenders on planes.
• I am truly happy most of the time and when I'm not, this program has given me a way to deal with my problems without eating over them.
• For today, I am free of the bondage of food. I have been placed in a place of neutrality.
• I have made many wonderful friends -- both in person and online.
• I have a wonderful new computer (not yet named) who allows me to work on my recovery with others from around the world.
• There are many face-to-face meetings in the area so I can harvest many hugs.
• God
• Overeaters Anonymous
• YOU

Basically, what it all boils down to is "I am grateful to be alive. I am alive because of OA."

For today, I have a program and that program is endowing me with gifts. I humbly accept them.

Love and hugs,
Jenna
A compulsive overeater and food addict living and recovering in Arlington, TX

When I came to OA I was a wreck of a man and of a human being. I weighed in excess of 450 pounds, I don't know how much more because I couldn't find a scale to weigh myself. The last scale was in a hospital and it only went up to 450. I had gone from a 56 inch waist after that to a 60.

I was living in the North Georgia mountains at the time. My nearest neighbors were about a mile away. I didn't see them very often and when I did I wouldn't speak to them. I lived in a camper that fit on the back of a pickup truck. I had it sitting on blocks so I wouldn't fall through the floor.

I was living like a hermit. I had cut myself off from all human contact that wasn't absolutely necessary. No contact with my family, no friends, nothing. I realize now that I had gone up there to die. Either drink myself to death or eat myself to death, whichever came first! I didn't really care.

I went down to Atlanta only to work to get the money to support my simple life style. I would earn a few hundred dollars and then retreat once more to the mountains. I was usually able to last five or six months before I had to once more visit civilization. Some life style, right?

It was my custom to stay as drunk as I could for as long as I could. When I got so physically sick that I had to sober up, then I would eat vast amounts of food, much more than I ordinarily ate.

I had chickens that I kept around the place. My usual breakfast consisted of a dozen eggs, a pound of sausage, five or six pieces of toast with butter and jelly, and lots and lots of coffee! That isn't counting all the food I ate during the morning until lunch. Lunch consisted of four or five sandwiches, a large bag or two of Doritos or Fritos, a couple of cans of soda pop, and whatever else there was that was sweet. I snacked all afternoon and for dinner it wasn't unusual for me to have a cut up chicken, or half a dozen pork chops, or a couple of steaks, some potatoes, and some kind of vegetable for dinner. I snacked through the night until I fell asleep, then at sun up I would start all over again.

I raised a lot of my own vegetables, and traded for a lot of the meat with people who had weekend cottages around where I lived. I would check their places if they brought me a bunch of frozen steaks or pork chops. It worked out for both of us.

I had a family who wouldn't have anything to do with me. I was a very angry and violent man. I would get into fights with people and hurt them. Sometimes I wound up in jail. I felt ashamed of my conduct and would swear to do better. Preachers would come to see me and pray for and with me. I would be good for a while then I would hear the siren song in my head once more, and off I'd go again. Or I would be so ashamed that I had to drink to drown out the guilt and shame. After a time I found that if I ate enough I could drown out those voices for a while. Between the eating and the drinking I had no time for my wife and my three daughters. My wife put up with it for as long as she could (26 years), and then she left.

Of course it was all God's fault! I never could tell you exactly why, but it was!

One morning I was throwing up, on my knees leaning against a pine tree. The thought came to me that I was almost dead. Did I want to finish myself off or did I want to live?

I had a choice to make. I chose life. I went to the nearest phone and called AA. I went to the meetings for a while and then got a sponsor.

After I sobered up, the eating became even worse. I was finally alone with nothing but food. I think food has always been the first addiction in my life. Alcohol just got me in more trouble! I was still in very bad shape physically, mentally, and spiritually when I got here.

One day I was complaining about being so fat that my sponsor lost his temper. He told me to do something about it or shut up! I told him about the diets that I had tried and failed at. He told me to forget the blasted diets. I needed to go to that bunch of people who used the steps to lose weight. I asked him what the name of it was. "I don't know, AA For Fat People I guess." He was talking of course about OA. That's how I got into the program. I really was looking for "AA For Fat People"!!

After 12 years in the wrong program, I can honestly say that it was the right one for me. I have lost over 200 lbs in those years. I no longer am feeling as useless as I did before, and I have found a HP that has given me a way of life I never knew existed. I've heard it said that abstinence is a gift. I agree with that but must add, for this particular OA, I've had to work bloody hard to get it and to keep it! Folks, it did not come easy!

Frank E.

I pray for humility and the continued
opportunity to increase my faith.

Whenever I'm tempted to overeat, I take out a checklist I drew up to see how willing I am to trade what I have for what I'd probably get. Here it is.

In exchange for taking that first compulsive bite, I agree to take a chance that I will:

• Chase food endlessly right up to bedtime.
• Feel ugly, act ugly, look ugly.
• Gain weight that will be twice as hard to remove later.
• Feel heavy, old, sluggish and short of breath all day and night.
• Carry the monkey on my back every single minute of this day.
• Feel silently defensive, or even hostile, toward every person I meet.
• Realize, too late, that no food, no amount of food, ever solved single a problem for me.
• Think with self-loathing of my friends in OA who are working hard to make it through this day, who really care about me and the decision I made here today.
• Waste this precious day; trash my miracle, my gift of abstinence.
• Wrap myself in a guilt quilt and have a self-pity party.
• Quit working the program, avoid phone calls, skip meetings.
• Risk a full-blown relapse and the loss of all that I've been given in this program.

I call this my "Free to Choose" list. It works like nothing else ever has.

- G.H., Loomis, California USA, Lifeline, August 1998, reprinted and modified from Lifeline, December 1986