It was quite obvious at my very first OA meeting 11 years ago (March 23, 1989) that I didn't belong here. After all, there were some very odd people in that room. Most of them weighed more than I did, thus proving that *I* didn't have a problem.

I was highly insulted that I wasn't asked to leave until I listened to the lead for the evening. She was bulimic and I realized that THAT was why I wasn't asked to leave. Those people thought *I* was bulimic too. Well, I wasn't, so I sure didn't belong here.

They ended that meeting with the Lord's Prayer. Being a good Catholic girl, I was STUNNED when they added, "For Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever." Catholics didn't say that part! Obviously, I had entered the room of some Protestant/odd people/bulimic group. I sure didn't belong here!

To top it off, I ran smack into someone I knew. How HUMILIATING! And what was wrong with this woman anyway? She was Catholic, wasn't odd, but I didn't know if she was bulimic.

I wonder why I went back the next week. There was nothing said that first night that made me want to return. Yet there I was again. And again. And again....

One of the things I heard was to get a sponsor. Find someone who had what I wanted. What I WANTED? Oh puleeezzze. I went straight for someone who had what I did NOT want. She was obese. I figured by choosing someone who weighed more than me, if she ever said anything I didn't want to hear, I could say, "Look honey ... Like you can talk!" I quickly added crow to my food plan because she was a wonderful sponsor!

I had a delightful honeymoon with the program. I immediately got abstinent and lost every pound. At my first lead I was fit, trim and gorgeous. So, naturally, there was little need for me to continue in OA.

Boom! Flat on my face!

There is a Big Book story called "Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict." If you need to know anymore about me, you just need to read that story. As he said, "Shakespeare said, 'All the world's a stage, all the men and women merely players.' He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did."

I have struggled many, many times in this program. My self-will continues to run riot. But I always know where the answers are. And I know that all of you will accept me, wherever I am, even with crumbs on my face. That is the truest blessing of this program.

So, if you're a newbie or a seasoned veteran who still hasn't perfected your abstinence, I say this, "Keep coming back! It works IF you work it."

Debbie T.

Dear Friends,

In an effort to share my experience, strength and hope, I would like to share some excerpts from my journal:

5/25/99
Called OA yesterday and got a lovely woman named Robin who was quite helpful, and said she'd meet me at the meeting on Thursday night. I was so moved. I sat and cried while telling Reinie (my husband) about it. I had forgotten how giving program people are.

6/5/99
I'm so grateful for this time of abstinence. It's wonderful to be hungry at mealtime, and then satisfied afterwards. But I am so afraid of losing it........

6/19/99
(Writing in the 12-Step Workbook of OA)
I could be called a professional dieter because I've spent so much time and money developing the skill. I am facing the fact of utter defeat. I returned to OA (after a 10 year relapse), kicking and screaming and clutching my halo. There is so much more God has to reveal to me and I'll trust he'll do it at the right time and in the right way. If self-will would have helped, I'd not be overweight now.

7/19/99
Something is keeping me from beginning my 4th step inventory. I don't look forward to dredging up old feelings. Maybe if I just write a little bit each day........

8/19/99
When I thought I was through with my 4th step inventory, I prayed about it. Then today I wrote 5 more pages. This was a breakthrough for me.

9/19/99
What I've learned about fear when 5th stepping my inventory is that I was hanging onto it in order to avoid growing up and being an adult. I see that I can just put fear aside and be myself because I'm good enough. Fear keeps me stuck, and has been my excuse for inaction.

12/31/99
Dear God, Please take all of me. Make whatever adjustments you want, and then when you return me, and whatever else in my life you want me to have, it will all be as it should.

1/8/2000
Did several unselfish acts today that only God and I know about. (In continuing the work of step 4 I will examine) Pride: noticed no false pride today. Fear: Yes. But I handled it by using the "I" message. Anger: Yes, at myself when I saw the results of my blood test. Too much fat. I overreacted but quickly brought it under control. Self-pity: None today. Greed: not today. Honesty: I allowed myself a snack before bedtime, but did not limit the amount of almonds I ate, and feel as though I ate too many.

Today, I continue the journey, confident that the God of my understanding will never leave me .... even when I leave myself! I am a work in progress that will terminate when I do. Please know, you who read this, that you are dearly loved and treasured.

Love,
Shirley G

After a life of being a compulsive overeater, and 25 years of hearing personal shares in the OA rooms, I have come to believe that there is no "MO" (mode of operation) or typical childhood that springs forth a compulsive overeater.

Eating ISN'T THE ISSUE. If we look to the Big Book and 12 and 12, we can see that we come from all walks of life; we have either been deprived of food as a child; overfed out of "love;" sweets were never kept in our homes, therefore we went in search of sweets to our friends' homes; sweets were always kept in our home and we felt that we were never given limits regarding food; our sisters and brothers were given dessert but we weren't because we were chubby, thereby making us feel rejected and we got even by eating food on the sly! Do I have to go on? We have done it all, heard it all, and eaten it all.

We are COMPULSIVE OVEREATERS! To not see that food is not the issue is to reject the bottom line... We are all given the same road to take in OA, there are no detours for the junk food addicts, no stop signs for the over the top protein eaters -- in fact, we are here for the same reason with the same problem. So, why do I feel that if I hadn't been given potato chips as a child I would have been thin? Or, if my mother would have baked me cookies then I would have felt happier and would have been thin? Why does my sister weigh 60 lbs. less than me and why has she never had an interest in food? Why?? Because she doesn't have a compulsion to destroy herself with food as her drug of choice! That's why!

If we spend too much time concentrating on who to blame ... we may never get well. Blame is a bullet waiting to destroy good people; moms, dads, doctors, friends, sisters, brothers, you and me. Let's concentrate on getting well, on working on our souls and "feeding" our minds and hearts clean abstinence so we can live in this world blame free. Let's read our books, pray to our HPs for clarity and serenity, eat the foods that don't call out our worst instincts, and live and be well.

Live and Be Well,
Shana