Dear Friends in Recovery,
I am Leeanne, I live in Israel, and I am a grateful compulsive eater/overeater in recovery. My disease has shown itself through various character defects. One of these is perfectionism and it has affected even the way I learn life's lessons.
My disease makes me feel that to have value, I must be perfect. Unless my grades in school were excellent, unless my children are the brightest, my house spotless, and my body the right size, I am a failure. Unless I say all the right things to all the people around me, I am an imperfect friend. Unless I adhere to my food plan perfectly, I am not truly abstinent, not on the road to recovery... I am a failure.
And then I had this thought:; I can make amends. I can learn to forgive others, and I can even learn --harder than anything else-- to forgive myself. It is a big lesson to learn-- and it takes time.
But this disease -- it makes me sabotage even that. I think to myself: making amends, setting things right, is not good enough, because it's not the same as never having made the mistake. To re-glue the vase is not the same as never having broken it.
Reconciliation is not as sweet as the original, unblemished harmony. By such thinking, I doom myself to failure and establish myself firmly in a lose-lose world. "I have not been perfect, and even to aspire now to be perfect won't help; it's too late… " But things don't have to be that way.
Please, Higher Power of mine, help me learn an even more important lesson:; everything has its reason and its value. Often the glue is stronger than the original material. The friendship and love that have endured a crisis are all the stronger for it. And so it's true… going back is not the same as never having left. It can be better; it can be a new beginning.Reflecting ... Learning ... Living
Love in recovery,
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