Reflections on the Journey


Dear Friends in Recovery,

I am Leeanne, I live in Israel, and I am a grateful compulsive eater/ overeater in recovery. I have lived with and inside my disease for a long time, but it is not a safe place to be.

Struggle as hard as I might with the food, it is the food that often won. Not every day, to be sure… and not every meal. But it has won enough battles to wear me down. It has worn down my self-confidence and eroded my belief in, and vision of, myself. By viewing (or imagining) the cruelty of others, my disease has worn down my belief in other people as well.

But I can remember that there is a different way. I see the success of that way in others like me. I hear their words, and know that a "promised land" indeed exists. It's just one step away, though it's not always an easy one; it requires some mental gymnastics: it is a leap of faith.

That leap, which has often seemed to me to be so near to impossible, requires trust. Leaping into the unknown is difficult. It is not particularly attractive or reassuring -- except when I remember that to stay where I am is impossible. The trust that develops, leading me to the leap, is born of despair.

I have made that leap more than once in my life. In fact, I have made it so often that an outsider might even think I am flying. But I know that this is not a one-time thing. This compulsion to eat is not a passing fancy; it chose me for life. And so, whenever the implausibility of continuing to grovel before my disease is clear; whenever I feel that I am once again standing on shifting quicksand, then I realize that anywhere is better than here… and I jump for my life.

Please, Higher Power of mine, help me remember that when I admit that I am powerless before food (or certain foods), and powerless before this disease, it doesn't mean that I am bound to fail. If I leap in complete despair and utter misery, I will find the strength (yours), that will carry me to the other side of the abyss, and to life.

Reflecting ... Learning ... Living

Love in recovery,

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