The days have been busy for me, in the past I would have said overwhelming. As the start of school fast approaches and the list of things needing to be done, and done over, gets larger and the time for them seemingly more compressed, the frustration level is increasing some, but not nearly what it would have been before program. Now I know there is only so many hours for me to do what needs doing, it's a boundary "I" set, and one I'm able to stick to without any resentments, when asked when this or that will be ready or how much longer it will be before it's done, the phrase from program comes immediately to mind and without any sarcasm I'm able to simply reply, "it takes what it takes". I AM feeling a little pressure to be sure, but I was just thinking this morning that although the past two weeks have been very busy, thoughts of eating to alleviate it have not been present, and I really feel the presence of my HP in this moment, and am grateful beyond words.
My morning meditation was calmer than in recent days and that is wonderful also. I loved a quote from Auden that someone posted the other day,
"We would rather be ruined than changed.
We would rather die in our dread
than climb the cross of the moment
and let our illusions die."
In doing some other reading on the net the other day I came across a writing called, "The Glass is Already Broken", that had much to say about the temporary nature of life and our desire for permanence that is at odds with it. We seek to protect and thereby deny ourselves the full measure of living. The example was of the heirloom china that was her possession, but she only displayed it in a cabinet and never used it for fear of it getting chipped and ruined, in other words, "used". and so this treasure was never fully appreciated, kept protected to keep it pristine, to keep it from changing.
... well, I'm back from my walk, that in itself is a change for me, to leave this in the middle to go do the next thing. In the past I would've either finished in a hurry, discarded it completely, or stayed to finish making me late for the next thing... so this is exciting that I could just quit and then come back to it.. ;) progress.
While walking and continuing thinking about how I live my life I was reminded of a show where the two main characters were from completely different backgrounds but through circumstances were forced together and were in a constant state of moving from one adventure to another. One was a "cog in the wheel" of her culture, and he an explorer. After years of growing close to one another through the shared experiences of overcoming difficulties together, they are in the position of heading out to face the next thing, one that could take their lives or free them forever, and as they are preparing to go, he turns to her and asks, "What did you envision for your life?" She pauses thoughtfully and says, "Service, Promotion, Retirement, Death". She then asks him and he looks around and you can see him contemplating all the past adventures, and all the uncertainty of the future and he looks deeply into her eyes and says, "This..... and a couple of kids." He then kisses her and they leave on their journey.
It is these two opposing views that I struggle with, and I think that most of us do. That seemingly ingrained need for stability and the longing for something more, the excitement of discovery. I am finding now after over 50 years of existence that the things I regret the most are the chances not taken. The mistakes I've made all have moved me forward, moved me towards who I am today, how can I regret that? I am learning to accept that all my choices have brought me here, and my only choice now is, "What do I do next?"
When in the food to numb myself from the fears or anxieties of living, my days were filled with nothing else, only the food, what to have next, when to have it, how would I get it, and always fearing so far ahead of the now and spending all my time avoiding living that I was busy all day long. When the food is relegated to a more sane place I suddenly have lots of time available to me to actually live. Miracles abound. I was reading about a monk and he was talking about miracles, he said the greatest miracle was, "When I am hungry, I eat. When I am thirsty, I drink." The narrative goes on to say, "Joy isn't something we have to search for; it's simply what rises up in us when we are not preoccupied. When the moment is enough."
I have spent my life looking for happiness as if it were something I could purchase. I am learning that my most joyous times are a by-product of living, the feeling of closeness to another human being, a wife, a child, a friend. That is the true miracle for me, the connection. In a life of feeling constantly alone and separated, those moments of connection are my most treasured. It is the hole I have always sought to fill up with food, with activity, with stuff.
My day is fast coming up on me again, things that need to be done, but starting out with contact with my HP sets the tone for the entire day, it is essential for me. My walk helps set in motion the chemical balances for the day also, all parts of the greater plan, to be connected, to grow, to change.
I used to fear change, now I look forward to it. That's the miracle of this program.
Keep coming back.
love and hugs,
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