The weekend was great. My daughter's play went very well, and she is sleeping off the weekend excitement now. A friend came down to stay overnight and to support her during the last day of the drama workshop, final performance, and of course, the cast party. ;)
They called about an hour before it was suppose to be over and said they'd had enough and could I come get them... My daughter loves these drama workshops and has pretty much made up her (and our) mind now about which high school she wants to attend. The one which hosts this summer event has the best drama department in the area, so this is where she will be going now, barring any unforeseen happenings in the next year.
I was out walking this morning, alone, as I let the girls sleep in instead of insisting they get up and accompany me. Lots of thoughts raced around in my head, but one that was interesting was the feeling of my stomach being empty. I had never thought about it much, but in the past four years my stomach has not been "full" and I was remembering how long it took me to get comfortable with that feeling, not being full. And now being empty is a "normal" feeling for me... there is no pain from being empty, there is no longer an strong desire to "fix" this feeling of being empty.. it just "is". I think it's the normal state we are meant to be in actually. Eating a normal amount of food, should pass out of the stomach in about 2-3 hours, so most of our day, our stomach's should be empty anyway.... leaving the energy to digest and extract nutrients to the rest of our digestive systems and supply energy for our daily activities instead of constantly breaking down the huge amounts of food I used to eat.. no wonder I was always looking for a place to lay down after a meal, always sucking up the caffeine for some energy, I was so overtaxing my body, it just had no energy left...
When I began eating more sanely, I noticed a huge increase in energy, and I think this was the reason for a large part of it. I know I hear others talking about how much more active they feel like being once they are eating smaller more healthy meals. It certainly has been so for me. Now that I am approaching a more "normal" weight, the cycles of fatigue that I was feeling are also much less intense. The evening out of these cycles makes me very grateful and humbled.
The thought also ran through my head this morning is that over the past weeks while reading many of the posts that I was feeling just a tad superior because I no longer am dealing with much of the "stuff" that we must all overcome in the beginning, and I felt a bit irritated with myself for feeling this way. I thought about the phrase "simple but not easy", and it came home to me immediately, when I think about saying, "just work the steps, just use the tools", I think about the ten years it took me to finally commit to this program, to finally attain abstinence, to finally have some sanity... Ten Years!!!! TEN Years. That's a significant amount of time to stick with something just on hope... and that's all there was for most of that time.. because I certainly didn't have any results to base it on, only the "hope" that it would work for me, seeing it working in some of the people who I was meeting week in and week out.. and now it's up to me to share what I know, that is DOES work, and instead of getting judgmental and impatient (two of my most glaring shortcomings) I must be as supportive and gentle as those who were there for me for all that time and who are still there for me now, helping me move even further towards sanity and serenity and acceptance and personal growth, and to give thanks to my Higher Power for leading me to these people. I am recognizing in me more subtle forms of those shortcomings, more depth to the work I must do, and while miracles have been abundant in my life so far, it is just the beginning, at least I feel that way today. There have been days when I felt I had arrived, and while it's good to look back occasionally I guess, if our vision lingers there too long, we are soon stagnant again, and in danger of sliding backwards. I must keep my vision on new goals. Continuing to work the steps are where those will be accomplished, not in celebrating the past.
I'm feeling humbled this morning, grateful for the changes in me and my life. Grateful for the ability to look at these feelings without beating myself up for feeling them, to recognize that I still need a lot of work on ME.
Feelings come unabated, they are neither "good" or "bad", it is only what we do with them that matters. I see this morning that while I have come far, there is still much farther to go. In the past this would've been enough to make me feel the goal was impossible, so why even try.. but today I know the journey is all there is, the journey is what our lives become, the ultimate goal will never be attained in this life, this is the beginning phase of our growth, we are as babies in the womb, preparing for what comes next. I love the phrase, "we are not physical being on a spiritual path, we are spiritual beings traveling a physical path"... This physical life is temporary, that part of me that makes me ME will move on after this body is long gone, growing and continuing to progress. This is what I believe anyway.
And now, I must get on with my day, doing the next right thing, and for me that's going to work, being useful to others, and by doing so being useful to myself, practicing the attributes that I would want to be ME.
Let your light shine!
love and hugs,
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