The Recovery Group

A Personal Recovery




Dear Journal,
9-9

I've had the great joy of meeting my grand-daughter, my daughter finally was able to come down for a visit. My grand-daughter is 3 and a half now and this is the first time we've met, largely because I have been, or at least felt that I was, unable to travel because of being so fat, this also cost me missing my brothers wedding a few years ago as I was too self conscience and felt it would be physically impossible for me to travel, and for the normal day to day restrictions my existence had placed on me. I could not explain to him that I was just emotionally not up to having to deal with the problems it would cause, and the humiliation of going out into public. I had not gotten honest with myself yet, and therefore couldn't be honest with him. It had been a source of regret and a way I continued to beat myself up that led me to seek the comfort that the food once provided.

While I am experiencing great physical recovery, it will still be quite a while before travel is a possibility for me again....

My meal plan has been steady, it doesn't vary much, and it has become comfortable, easy to alter when needed, I just don't wish to most of the time, I'm quite content to eat the same menu day after day, after all, it is JUST food now.. LOL wouldn't have thought I could ever believe that.

I am, after 6 months now, still blessed with abstinence, and even through the normal stresses of living, I have not ever had the thought of using food to make myself feel better. I pray this lasts forever! What a freedom it is to have this obsession lifted from me.

I do occasionally have a fleeting thought about "surely there must be something at that fast food restaurant I could have", it quickly passes as my vision of where it will lead me comes into my head and it reinforces to me that I am not normal about food and don't want to go back to where I was.

Now that the food is not an issue for me, I am beginning to deal with the other aspects of living, dealing with family without medicating can be challenging, but I'm learning to set and keep boundaries, and learning the most difficult task of "compromising". This has proved extremely difficult for me as I have always operated under the assumption that whatever I want is what I ought to have and that everyone else should agree with me. I thought the only reason someone wouldn't agree with me is that they just didn't understand my point, so I would continue to explain, or after a time simply insist that it be done my way, or give up, get mad, and eat about it.

This "finding common ground" has been a real learning experience for me, one which I am also finding my 10 year old is having a challenge with too...(what a surprise huh?) :-) We are all learning these new lessons together!

Having my grand-daughter here has been wonderful (for me) as it has brought home a few points to my 10 yr. old, struggling to become involved with another self-absorbed child has been challenging for her to say the least. She has caught herself saying things that she has heard from us, and that moment of recognition is a joy to behold.. (for me at least), it brings a smile to my face as she looks at me and says, "did "I" just say that?".. and we both laugh.

This situation has afforded us some nice quiet talks in the evening when she comes for her hugs before heading for bed... letting her know that I understand her frustrations, and maybe, how better to deal with them next time... she is wonderfully articulate about her feelings, something I was not allowed to be when I was her age, so if I have accomplished nothing else as a parent, I take a little satisfaction in that.

I have been getting better about using all the tools of the program, realizing that just following a food plan is not the entire program, it is just the place where the mind is clear enough to begin the real work of learning new skills to deal with life on life's terms instead of trying to force it to comply with mine. (something that failed to work for the last 50 years by the way)

I hope you are all having good days, someone posted and I really felt a connection to this statement,

"I tend to thrive better on routine, although this doesn't mean I am opposed to bouts of flexibility, spur of the moment events or change. I am simply more inclined to stick to my choices with the help of habitual practice."
and that is the power of a routine.... in the past my routine was to use food to fix all my problems. Because it is a routine I lived with all my life, I find in times of stress I would fall back to doing the familiar, but it simply wasn't working for me any longer and I needed to create new routines if I was to live a sane and happy life.

Accepting that I will never be "normal" about food, I know I can never allow myself the luxury of using food for emotional reasons.. I used to wait till meal time to figure out what I "felt" like eating, now I plan the meals for nutrition, and leave the emotions to be dealt with some other way.

My goal for today:
to work my plan to the best of my ability.

I am grateful for:
my family, my Higher Power, and my life,

My affirmation is:
I am becoming a happy and joyful being.

------------
Thank you for letting me share, and for being there to share with me...
Stay Strong,

love and hugs,
me


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