Today is my day off from walking and I'm sitting here with legs aching, tired from all the new activity in my life in the past couple of weeks. I'm thrilled with it, but tired from it.
Three years ago, as many of you have walked with me on this journey of recovery know, I was house bound, chair bound, and had been for several years. The only time out of my recliner was a 20' walk to the bathroom twice a day. Over the past three years, I have begun shopping on a regular basis, and when that got to the point of being a "non-event", which means it was no big deal any longer, that I no longer had to "plan" for that outing, I began feeling better about myself and was able little by little to be more active in my life, take my daughter more places as part of her growing up instead of always having to find someone to take her with them. It made our relationship stronger to be "able" to spend more time with her doing things that a kid would normally be doing instead of stuck at home with an invalid parent. I had never thought of myself as an invalid until just now when that word popped up as I was describing this... but it certainly applied.
I was actually thinking the other day as I was carrying laundry to and from the bedrooms, living room, laundry room, etc. folding it while standing, putting it away, washing dishes, cleaning counters, fixing meals and doing small projects as they came up, that this is no big deal anymore. How many trips do I make through the house in the normal course of my day now? In the not so distant past, ONE trip would have taken a monumental effort to achieve, and now it seems like several times each hour I'm walking the length of the house "doing stuff" without thought of any effort being involved. These are small daily miracles!
When the trips to the store, that used to have to planned for, can be done now on the spur of the moment, and even when extra stops crop up, it's just not a big deal anymore. Oh, there's still a part of me that resents having to add an errand when my wife calls and says she forgot something, could I do it while I was out.. but that's another area I have to work on. ;-) We're both getting to the point where our memories have taken an extended holiday, and while I'd like her to be more tolerant of me, I have to remember that I have to extend that to her also. I'm starting to fear our golden years are going to come and go and we just won't remember them. LOL
Anyway, I was sitting here aching and thinking about my coming week. I'm helping a bunch of parents from the school I've been volunteering at to go and retrieve furniture from a county warehouse, and to actually be doing physical labor "with other people around" is a major step for me.. I still like my alone time, I'm not thrilled with doing this with a bunch of people, I know I will be all sweaty and stinking by the time we are done, and that "may" be a bit embarrassing, but I'll just have to see how it goes. I have avoided this type of interaction as almost any kind of exertion will have me sweating in pretty short order, and it's not pretty. Thankfully it's cooling now in Florida, so that should help some... I am driving up with someone else and that is a little apprehensive for me too.. I had thought about driving myself but I'm trying to be frugal with the gas money, it's already costing me an extra $200 a month just driving my kid to school each day, cause it's 2 trips a day even when I work some of those hours there, I still go back home for meals and MY chores before going back to do my time for the school and pick her up at the end of the day.
I am finding that more than three hours without being able to elevate my legs is causing a lot of extra aching and circulation problems, so I really have to make sure I allow time to take care of myself. While I have made tremendous progress, I am not yet "back to normal" in my abilities. I have learned however that it takes time to heal, time to build strength and stamina, time to change. I have to allow the process, there is no short cut, no easier, softer way in this aspect of my recovery either. ;-)
I am reminded of the three legged stool, and the physical is just as important as the emotional and spiritual and requires time and effort just as the others do.
I am blessed with living free of the compulsion to eat today and for that I am truly grateful. Now, as work on the other areas proceed, I have to be just as trusting, and diligent, and patient as I wait for the results of my efforts to be made manifest. I used to think that miracles required no effort, if it were a true miracle it would just happen, but I have come to know that the real miracle is my willingness to do the work necessary to allow it to happen. I have come to a place now where I am willing to do the work and let the results be whatever they will, trusting my Higher Power to supply me with what I need. I think really though, it's the difference between what it is I want these days rather than what it is I used to think I needed. I used to wish for specific small things, and now my desires are in much broader strokes and I'll let HP fill in the details. Letting go of the necessity to control every little thing and controlling the minute details of the day has been the most freeing and exhilarating experience for me. It is the feeling of recovery.
love and hugs,
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