I've had a hard few days... a nagging food thought that had me baffled a bit, a situation that forced me to improvise, and an awareness of a calm in me in facing those situations that has helped make me grateful yet again for this program.
We have homeschooled my daughter since day one... she is now in 8th grade (technically) but does work well ahead of her grade level, and though we have made extraordinary efforts to see that she has group activities with other homeschoolers, she has been asking for the past year of so if she'll be allowed to go to high school. Many of her friends attend public or private schools and she was wondering what it would be like. A few weeks ago I let her "shadow" a friend for a day, and she loved it. I feel like what she really loved was hanging out with her friends but that's my take. The work she describes in the classrooms is the similar to what we have been doing at home, and when I told her that her response was, "yeah, but there it's fun!" A knife through my heart!!! She must have seen the hurt, and started to try to smooth it over some... anyway, after some discussion my wife and I decided that a new charter school would be a good "dipping her toe in the system" kind of step, and we put in an application for enrollment. They were full at the time, but just the other day they called to say there was an opening and were we still interested? A deep sigh and I said, yes, so we have been busy running around getting all the necessary stuff done, physicals, buying uniforms, etc. so the days have been busy, and on top of that she has been working extra hard at the stables getting ready for her first horse show where she'll be the handler, so I haven't seen her much and the anxiety of her going to school on top of that has left me feeling a little lonely. It took some quiet time and reflection to finally come to that conclusion, but I'm sure that's what this nagging food thought is all about, wanting comfort from this feeling of anxiety and loneliness.
I shared this at my f2f meeting Thursday and a woman there was smiling as I told my story and after the meeting she shared about her older son who's 19 year old daughter has just moved out and gone to CA to live on her own.. and that he was going through similar feelings. ;-)
These extra expenses have put a crimp in our budget and the food supply is extremely low at the moment... and this morning when I was getting ready to fix my breakfast I found my darling wife had not left me enough of my cereal, and while I was a bit miffed, my reaction was much calmer than the last time she did this to me.. and my second thought was, "well, what else is there here that I can substitute?". I quickly found something that worked in my food plan and prepared it. It wasn't too long ago, this same situation put me in a tizzy and the anger at her inconsideration was immediate and intense. This time I thought, "well damn, she did it to me again" and immediately moved to finding a solution instead of dwelling on the problem.
Raging about it wasn't going to fix anything, would only put ME in danger, so I just let it go, thanks to working this program and staying in touch with my spiritual connection. I was really amazed at how quickly I changed modes this time, it had to be my Higher Power looking out for me.
The power and strength of the rage inside me has been converted to the strength and determination to more quickly deal with life now as it happens in a more measured and calm manner. Strength is strength and being able now to let my Higher Power channel that strength for my benefit is the healing power of this program.
The next week will be interesting, but I'm confident a way will be presented to acquire what is needed for us. I am in awe at the calmness with which I am facing the coming uncertainty and I did a quick gratitude list to help me focus on how blessed I am even in the face of the scarcity of resources in the immediate future. Somehow we will all survive it.
love and hugs,
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