It's been a month since my last update. Time seems to go by more quickly these days, I guess that comes from having more to do with the time I have now. When confined to my chair because of the excess weight the days dragged by, in a foggy stupor due to living in this disease. In the last 3+ years the fog has lifted and the days are something I look forward to now, wondering what will be presented to me today.
Over the past month the relationship with my child has gone through a wide range of conditions, ones of complete ecstasy and ones of total wonderment at how she could be the same loving and compliant child she was from a day or two before. The mood swings are nothing short of amazing. LOL It really tests my acceptance levels sometimes, but I guess this is just part of the growing up process. I keep telling myself that anyway, it helps some.
I have gone through some medical trials, mostly brought on by my own doctoring. I had it in my mind to that I could reduce my heart meds cause I was feeling so great, so I gradually reduced the one script that I take, and of course being a responsible adult I did inform my doctor what I had done... and what the results had been.. none really, well there was that occasional chest pain now, more of an ache really, but it was minimal ..... so minimal in fact that I reduced the med again after about 9 months to half of the original dosage, again informing the doctor of what I had done. After a time, the "aches" became more frequent, lasting longer and so I became concerned. (finally) ;-)
I went to see the cardiologist and he wanted to put me on another different med in addition to the one I was taking, and of course I didn't want to do that... the idea is to get OFF the meds, not be taking more.. so I asked if maybe we could just increase the dosage back to original levels and see what that would do... he agreed (after some consideration) and while I waited for his decision I went ahead and increased my dosage and within 3 days, no more pains, and it has been almost 2 weeks, and even through some strenuous exercise and working in the yard getting the house ready for the storms that went through SW Florida, I was fine, once again pain free.
What is there to learn from this? As it relates to my own thinking, I realize there is still this desire in me to be "normal", and that means not having to worry about taking meds for the rest of my life, not being concerned everyday with the food I will eat, not having to be so regimented about "what" I can eat and what I can't, you know like "normal" people. Well, though I've said it many times, and know it deep down, I am not normal... I have the disease of compulsive overeating. I will always have to be more concerned about what I eat, when I eat, and how I eat than most other people. I will always have to know that I can't have "just one" of something that is on my 'no-no' list, that some substances are simply unsafe for me. While "normal" people can overindulge on occasion, can really stop after having just one of something, I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. It's irritating sometimes, this "acknowledging reality" thing. I don't want to be like this, I wish I were some other way, but this is the hand I was dealt, so this is the hand I must play. I don't have to like it, I just have to deal with it.
Learning to look for the positives in my situation has been the blessing of working the 12 Step Program. It takes the focus off the stuff I can't do and helps me appreciate more the things I can do, and allows me to be changed by a power greater than myself. That is a real blessing.
As miracles go, I've had a few. I wake up most days now happy, looking forward to what the day will bring instead of living in the dread that it will be just as bad as the worst days before. Focus has changed for me now, and I am so grateful. My body keeps changing, getting leaner, even though the scale seems stuck at the moment, my body is re-sculpturing itself and I can see and feel changes being made. The doctor recently was amazed at my labs, as it shows no indication that I have or EVER had diabetes. This is really a miracle to me, as I didn't know it ever went away, I thought once you had it, you had it forever. This is actually kind of dangerous thinking for me in regard my compulsive overeating, if the diabetes can go away, perhaps the COE can too. ???????? It does give one pause. False hope? probably, but still..... Am I willing to believe it, knowing what the results would be? Do I really want to go down that path again? NO!
There's a saying in program, "If you do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got." It's usually used in the negative aspects of someone first coming in to program and coming to grips with the insanity of continuing to do the same things expecting a different result, but this adage works in the positive also, "If I continue to do what brought me to recovery, I will continue to live in recovery", and that's where my focus is today. I just keep doing what I did to get where I am today. I plan my meals, I spend time with my Higher Power, I work the steps to the best of my ability, I share my recovery with others.
The third step prayer says, "God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
...that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help.... this is why I share my recovery. What I found in this fellowship was Hope, to pass that on is the greatest undertaking I think I can be involved with. There is a power greater than myself out there, and tapping into it, letting it change me, drawing strength from it to help me get through the tough times, is the greatest source of hope there is for me.
I keep doing the "next right thing", it has become my mantra, my focus. I seem to have stopped worrying about all the what if's, and am able now to just wait until there is something "to do". It sure makes the days go by easier. ;) I still plan for things, I just don't worry about them anymore. I did board up my house for the hurricanes, but if my house took damage, THEN I would have something to do next. Planning and worrying are two different things.
Serenity has been one of the greatest gifts I've received from working this program, I wish it for you all.
love and hugs,
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