Well, it's been almost a month since my last post, and many things have happened in that time. Had a tree cut down in my front yard and have been slowly cutting it up and putting the small pieces out for trash pickup and stacking the logs for use at another time. It has proven an excellent workout and my muscles are sore and achy, but I'm feeling good about being able to do it. I alternate walking days and working on the tree days and had gotten to the point of just being exhausted all the time. I kept pushing forward though feeling that for some reason I shouldn't take any extra days off. I usually walk six days and rest one, but with the extra work my body was getting more run down that usual, so finally after 2 weeks I decided to just take a couple days off, and what a difference it made. I feel rejuvenated again and I started thinking, "What was it that made me think I shouldn't rest my body every once in a while?". It's my compulsive nature I guess, not listening to my body but letting my own thinking dictate irrational actions. It's been three years and a little bit since beginning to live in recovery and it seemed I should be able to do more by now, and I let my mind just force me to keep tearing my body down, the old "no pain, no gain" mentality instead of trusting that my HP was telling me through my body to take it easy. Learning to listen is an ongoing process.
My body is still going through changes, the weight is still coming off and the stresses are changing as I get new aches and pains now, my knees were beginning to hurt again, my back is adjusting to new weight distributions and it's just taking more time than I would like it to I guess. Other's expectations of me have increased also and that is a source of some stress also as my first response is to get defensive, but I just have to take a rational look at the circumstances and know that while my physical recovery is slower than I would like, it is happening and I and others will just have to practice patience about it.
My daughter's growing pains are continuing to test my serenity and sanity, but I have to say that I am handling things a lot better than I would have in the past. My anger is tempered now with more rational acceptance and I am able to let go of it more quickly now, usually before it escapes into any action or harsh words. Trust and acceptance that all will work out as it should has replaced the hopelessness and anxiety that preceded my life in recovery.
The food has been the same, joyously repetitious, joyously boring, and more accepted by those who deal with me on a regular basis. Food is for nourishment, nothing more, and what a miracle that is for me. There was a time not so long ago that food was the entire focus of my waking moments, and even had overtaken the non-waking time also.... it had totally consumed me and to have it reduced to being nourishment and not for sensation is absolutely wonderful. Emotions are now dealt with using new skills learned as a result of working the twelve steps, turning things over to my Higher Power first, writing about the source of the feelings, calling and talking over the situations with my sponsor or other program people has become the primary responses, with food never even being considered anymore as an option, what a joy that is!!
I was feeling for a while that what I had to share was just the same thing over and over and had become too boring to keep posting, but someone shared a quote, I paraphrase, "repetition is nature's only true form of permanence." It helped me to see that doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result could be a positive as well as the negative it had become when active in my disease. Now, that repetition is what keeps me active in my recovery, and so I will continue to do the small daily things that got me to this place so that I may continue to live sanely and become more involved in living rather than in just surviving one day at a time.
I've been watching the Colonial House on PBS, and what was brought home to me the most was the amount of time it took to just survive. Working almost every waking moment to simply supply the basics of living WAS your life. Meals were the same almost everyday and the quantities were about what I'm eating now, and these people worked ALL DAY!!! Amazing. We now have the luxury of finding things to do in our lives besides simply supplying the necessities, things to "fulfill" us as human beings. We have the abundance of basics and yet sometimes have trouble finding meaningful things to occupy us once those needs have been met. We vegetate in front of the TV and watch stories of other people living, but fail to do so ourselves. Our lives, just as our program, requires action to be fulfilling. I have come to realize the truth of the statement, "it's not the goal that is most satisfying, it's the journey to the goal", and then we need another goal don't we?
In the beginning of my recovery, my goal was to eat abstinently, and once it was met, I then needed another goal, otherwise I would simply be standing there going, "Is this all there is?" Reaching a goal that is too small would be a very depressing place to be I think if there were nothing else to aspire to. Now that food is no longer a major concern for me, I can work on other aspects of my personality, my spirituality, my serenity. As one goal is reached, others become available if we are open to them, seeking a spiritual basis for living and growing is an endless adventure, and one that is worthy of our lives. I love the quote that says, "We are not human beings on a spiritual journey, we are spiritual beings on a human journey". I believe this existence is temporary and that my spirit will live on after this body is gone, progressing and learning in the next lives as I have done here, the journey is an endless one in my view, and I have just begun by, in some small way, overcoming the physical attachments to substance and relying on those things spiritual, or if you prefer, metaphysical. It began by letting go of substance, and continued by reaching out to my HP, it was a series of baby steps, and I'm still taking them, sometimes halting, sometimes with only the smallest amount of hope that I'm doing it right, but always striving my best to do it right. Focusing on the "next right thing" is what keeps me moving forward.
I continue to be amazed at the change that has been my life. I will continue to do the small daily things that brought me here and keep me moving on the path of recovery.
love and hugs,
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