It's been an interesting and insightful month for me. My food plan remains intact and my program is progressing. I am learning more and more with each day that passes that the 12 Twelve Program is not about "the substance", but about living life without that substance, without the crutch of fleeting relief, of temporary stupor to survive life's little curve balls.
My daughter just turned 13, a big one in her mind. She's now convinced she's "grown up" and is once again testing limits and pushing boundaries. She is pretty miserable right now because of it, losing the privileges she had and now having to regain some trust in order to get back to those levels again. Consequences ARE. "I" have learned not to get too upset about things anymore, I calmly just state the expectations, rules if you will, and when she fails to meet them, there are consequences. I was chatting with my older daughter the other day via ICQ and was telling her of some of the things her sister was going through, and she wrote back, "slow learner, huh?" We all had a good laugh, all except my young one that is, and even she smiled... My older daughter made a wallpaper image for my young ones computer, it was a child carrying a book bag ardently "pushing" on a door to the "Midvale, School for the Gifted" that was clearly marked "PULL". Amazingly it's still there after 2 days, I was sure she'd have replaced already.. :-) It is a nice image and has her name on it....
My walks continue, I think I am still letting go of some pounds, I don't weigh again till the end of this month, so will know for sure, but it's not the main priority anymore. Yes I still have a bunch of weight to let go of, and it will go, it's just not the priority any longer. Living sanely has become more important. Not to say my days don't have their challenges, but overall Life is great!!
Yesterday was one of those intense days however, I still find myself so resistant to things not going the way I think they should. I was blaming "the powers that be" of their stupidity, irritated that "I" was inconvenienced and caused some discomfort because of my lack of knowledge about how to fix the situation, well, maybe not to fix it, but how to deal with it. My first and most powerful instinct was to rage, and the feeling of being that small kid again, and wanting to just grab my ball and go home cause "those people" weren't doing what I thought they should and it was going to end up costing me money for their incompetence.
Much of this can be put squarely at my door however. I didn't study all the options first and part of this is because I just don't understand all that I used to/need to. I read but do not understand what it is I'm reading. I have the same trouble with manuals anymore, or anything technical. I don't know if I just am not concentrating as much, or if I'm just becoming incapable of putting any more information into to this fossilized brain of mine. I'm beginning to feel more and more like a doddering old fart. It is humbling and irritating and frustrating.
But you know what, not once yesterday did the thought of eating to alleviate those feelings cross my mind. Now THAT'S a miracle. That's the power of this program. I still used the tools of this program to get me through those feelings, I wrote about it, I called my sponsor, I talked to my wife and I posted my questions and concerns to the proper place on the web to try and get some answers about how to deal with the situation (this is related to Ebay) and several people responded with very helpful solutions and ways of handling my dilemma and all is working out well, but for a couple of hours I was in a real tizzy about the situation. These are the kinds of things that working the program now means to me.
I wish my first reaction would have been calmer, would have been more rational, but it shows me just how much work there is to do yet. The fact that never once did food enter the equation is reassuring to me.
My food has been so good lately that once in a while the thought shoots through my head that "I don't need this program anymore". HA! I know enough still to know that thought is a red flag of real magnitude, and I can not afford to keep that thought around. I will need this program always. As I said before, the 12 steps aren't about the substance, it's about living sanely without resorting to artificially induced mood changes. I suppose some might argue that relying on a spiritual remedy is no different, but it's a source of change that has no hurtful side effects, at least none I've noticed. ;-)
I was talking about surrender the other night in my f2f meeting, and was describing my moment of "surrender", I likened it to me being held down with a boot on the back of my neck, struggling to breathe, and saying, "okay, I surrender". I was at the bottom, being pushed through the ground, unable to move, unable to do anything to help myself before being able to "give in" and say, "okay I can't do this anymore, nothing I have done works, I'll have to trust a Higher Power to get me out of this now." It was that moment, the moment I admitted "I" couldn't do it, that food became a non-issue for me. It was as though the burden had been lifted, I didn't have to worry about food anymore. That feeling has prevailed for over 3 years now, and though the occasional food thought runs through my head I let it move on through, I do not have to act on those thoughts and they are becoming so infrequent now that I do once in a while think I'm cured. LOL That's why I continue to go to meetings, to make my calls, to read my literature, to post and read on my email loops. I can't afford to forget the pain that I came from, if I do, I'm doomed to repeat it and I'm not willing to take the chance that I have another recovery in me.
I'll just hang on to this one. :-)
Hope your day is a great one too!
love and hugs,
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