Boy, this week went by quick! My abstinence remains intact and though it has, I know I cannot begin to take it for granted, cannot begin to believe that I am "cured", so I continue to acknowledge my disease on a daily basis, and continue to give thanks and praise to my Higher Power for allowing me this recovery.
I increased my walk to half a mile but only for a couple of days, as the increase was a bit more than I thought, I remeasured the path I was walking and discovered I had been walking only .3/mile instead of .4 as I thought, and the extra distance I added was just a little too much and I actually did some damage to my knee, so stopped walking for a few days to allow it to recover. I began again yesterday and am NOW walking .4/mile. :-) It appears to be just the right amount, as my knee was just on the edge of beginning to hurt when I got home again, so we'll do that for a while. The lesson here for me was that sometimes I set goals for myself that are not appropriate. I have to learn my limitation while not giving in to small amounts of discomfort that would keep me from improving.
In the past I would have beaten myself up for setting this goal and then having to back step a little because of physical pain or discomfort. I would have gotten so frustrated that I would have given up, thrown my hands up and declared "It's just not worth it!" and gone looking for something to soothe my feelings of inadequacy, NOW, I look at this as "I am still doing more than I was", and that is progress. I am learning to more honestly evaluate my motives and THAT is a real blessing for me.
Being able to call my sponsor and talk over these things helps give me clarity and doesn't allow my thinking to get too far off course, as a gentle thought is suggested to me to consider, that perhaps I'm off just a bit in my thinking, and the reinforcement of those decisions that seem ok helps me, in the long run, to determine a better course of action than perhaps would have been possible without it.
The challenges of parenthood were abundant this week, dealing with the growing pains of a strong willed 10 year old... trying to impart with compassion those skills that we feel are necessary to a happy coexistence with others. Through it all though, the thought of medicating with food did not rear it's head, and for this I am truly and profoundly grateful.
Business is good, though I still approach the work with trepidation at how much time it's going to take, when I actually get sat down to do it, it always takes me less time than I have thought it would. This has been so consistent that I am beginning to question Why I get so worked up and anxious about it. After all I charge for my time by the hour, why would I not want it to take me more time... it's as if I don't really want the work.. ?? Something to work on!
Some small personal triumphs have been that:
-I am getting out and going to the grocery store myself again, instead of having friends go for me... it's a milestone of sorts,
These are some small physical reminders that I AM getting better, that changes are being made and though I sometimes don't notice them day to day, all at once I'll realize, hey I can do that again, I can bend over and pick something up off the floor without having to consider all the ramifications of doing so..it's no longer the monumental task it was, it's just bending over to pick something up... :-) What a joy for such a small thing, most people would not understand cause they never had to consider it anything more than just the doing of it. Life is so joyful for me today! These small things most people take for granted are such a treasure to me now.
-I hadn't felt able to go for the last year or so...
-I can now get the seatbelt fastened 'by myself' again,
-I don't 'rub' on the steering wheel anymore,
-I sat in my doctor's office waiting room this week, (I had always been escorted directly into a treatment room as most didn't have chairs I could sit in in their waiting rooms)
I am reminded of how we ended our day at the treatment center, by sitting around together and sharing our evening snack then sharing our goals for the day, whether we accomplished them or not, we would share an affirmation, and say what we were grateful for.
One lady's affirmation always brought tears to my eyes, it was, "I am a woman of dignity and worth", I hope to someday feel that for myself.
I hope your week has been a good one,
love and hugs,
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