Hope you are all well and enjoyed the holidays so far, and remained or regained your abstinence. I am so grateful to HP and this program for being in the place of not having food be a challenge for me today. I thank HP for the strength to place my recovery first.
As for most, this time of year is a time of reflection and again I am so grateful for the awareness this program gives me. Being able to recognize those moments when the growth I have received is revealed to me in the small everyday happenings of my life.
Last week I had run out of my cereal. I had gotten busy and forgot to call in the order to my local health food store to order it. It's a brand they do not stock but will order for me and I had simply gotten busy and forgot to call on Monday which is the day they place their orders for a Friday delivery. Tuesday morning I called had them to order for the following week and figured out that I had enough of my "normal" cereal to have it for all but 4 days till the next shipment came in. I would simply substitute oatmeal for those days. Now I like oatmeal "ok" but it's a once in a while thing for me, not a regular thing. Anyway, the week of Christmas was the week I would have to be having this altered menu and on Friday the delivery would be in and I could then get back to normal. When I went in on Friday to pick it up, they told me, "oh this came in on Tuesday, it just got put in the back, and we forgot about it".
My reaction to this news is what made me realize how much growth I have had in the last year. There was still the thought way in the back of my mind, and it was immediate, that I wanted to blame them for having made this "mistake", and while in the past I would have been ranting and raving about how stupid they were and "don't they understand how important this is to me?" and "why can't they just put this on a repeating order, after all I've been ordering this item for 3 years now and they haven't figured out to just keep a case on hand for me every two weeks", and "what kind of business people are they anyway, I shouldn't have to keep remembering to order this on a certain day, they should just do it automatically cause I'm such a good regular customer", etc. etc. etc.
While I admit to still having those thoughts in this instance, it was like it was someone shouting from very very far away, the voice was so faint as to be someone yelling through several panes of glass or something, muffled and distant.
The primary thought in my mind was, I have it now, so what's the point of going over and over about what could've been. So I hated eating my oatmeal for 4 days, so it wasn't satisfying, it got boring very quickly as far as taste was concerned, but as I have been telling myself for almost 3 years now, "it's only food, doesn't matter if I like or not, it's just fuel for my body". The fact that I like most of the food I eat on my food plan is a plus, but it's not necessary. This comes from surrendering, from acceptance of What Is.
In my past I was always bemoaning the "what if's", the "would'a, could'a, should'a's" of my life, always raging at what didn't happen or what would be different in my life "if only" things had happened differently in the past. It was a mind set that kept me in perpetual "dis-ease" and in a constant state of pain and suffering. I realize now it was all self-induced pain and suffering. It was familiar though, somehow comfortable. The comfort I think came from the constant self medication of overeating, of being in that fog, that numbing place in order not to feel all those feelings. As the disease progressed those feelings could no longer be contained and then came the panic, the depression, the hopelessness of realizing "it's not working anymore" and having no answer for the question, "what do I do now?".
Three years into recovery and the answer I have come to know is "acceptance of the way things are", or simply put, acknowledging "What Is" is the answer. All the gyrations of the "if only", and "I should'a done that", or "they should'a done that", is wasted time. Wasted effort. I can not move forward by considering what could've been, or should've been. Moving forward means starting from "What Is" now and taking action from there. That means accepting what is now, or as I define Acceptance, "acknowledging reality", and moving forward from there. It matters not about all the things that were possible, only What Is now.
"Staying in the day" is how we say it in program. Focusing on the present, or "being present in the present", Living life "One Day at a Time" or doing the "Next Right Thing", are all sayings that help us focus on what action we can take NOW to move forward.
Beating myself up or blaming others for what they could've done is not what will move me forward, I simply have to acknowledge "What Is" and choose "what to do next".
Those blaming, complaining voices are still there, but as I said, they are very distant now and maybe someday they will be entirely quiet, but as I move away from where they are, I can see that as a measure of growth in me. Willing to see it as a change my HP is making in me as I continue along the path I have chosen and trusting that my HP will continue to lead me where I need to go.
This was one instance that shows me that growth, there are many more, so I am being shown in many ways how this change in attitude affects all parts of my life, and by changing what "I" do, I am affecting others, my family, friends, acquaintances. Through these seemingly "random acts of kindness", or "random acts of sanity", the ripples of change move through my world and beyond.
It is an awesome power to be witness to, and the realization of the small effort that I make can have such a far reaching effect. It is truly miraculous and awe inspiring. Thank you HP for allowing me this awareness.
Hope, the gift of this program, the power of this fellowship. May we all continue to grow towards our Higher Power, holding each others hand as we trudge this wonderful road to recovery.
love and hugs,
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