The Recovery Group

A Personal Recovery




11-21

Hi all,

The house is quiet, my daughter is away at her art class this morning, soon we will be driving to Tampa again, I just got back from running my errands this morning, bank, gas up and wash the car, get stuff put out for people to pick up while I'm gone etc. I woke up this morning about 4am, fell asleep before the opening music was over on Letterman, :-( and some time back I stopped taping it to watch later. I figure if I miss it, then I miss it. I'm too busy anymore to keep playing catchup! That's a positive for me. In times past I HAD to watch my favorite TV shows, but these days, my life is so full, it just isn't necessary anymore. I still like to watch some programs but it's not nearly as important as it used to be.

My walk alternates from 1.5 to 3.0 miles now, every other day. I notice the times are coming down a bit, so am happy about that and it is going well. Just like always though, some days are easier than others... but I've come to just expect that and am okay with it.

I got out of the car the other day and forgot to tilt the wheel up which was not even possible last time I was aware of it, so that was a nice moment of recognition. I didn't realize I had not done it till getting back in the car the next day, it made me smile.

Work has been steady, money has been plentiful enough, no real extra yet, but "enough", and that's a good feeling too.

My daughter and I were sick for few days with this nasty flu that's going around, she got it much worse than I, but we both have survived and are back to normal again.

I was getting all worked up this morning, anxious about all the stuff I felt I had to do... so decided I better write out a list to make sure I didn't forget anything.. and when I actually wrote it down, this monumental amount of things I had to do was just 4 things.. :-) I was projecting so much chaos that it felt like I must have had 50 things to do before I could leave to take my daughter away for her weekend... I get so easily overwhelmed these days, but it seems it's always just in my mind. When I take the time to sit and quiet myself and actually write out this kind of list of things to do, it is never as much as I've worked up in my mind. A lesson I continue to learn each time. Maybe soon I'll be able to just relax and remain quiet in the first place.

I am so grateful for this program and for learning to focus on the "next right thing", it really helps me remain, or in my case, reclaim my serenity.

I have prepared my lunch which will be eaten in the car today, as I'll be on the road when that time comes.. last time I had planned to stop at a fast food restaurant to have my meal, but once on the road, I didn't want to stop, so this time, I'll just take it with me. It'll be better anyway, my sponsor kind of raised her eyebrows at me when I told her my plan for last time. I have not sworn off fast food or eating out, but have only done so once in almost 3 years now... it seemed very well thought through to me, but it was suggested that maybe an alternative should be considered.. (she's so gentle with me) which I have done for today and am pleased with my choices.

I have read in more than a few places over the last week, about "continuing" to work this program, and noticed that my thinking was starting to wander a bit, you know, "now that I'm doing so well, I'll add this or that back in, just a little bit to see how it goes", but all that I keep reading is, (and I paraphrase), "to remain in recovery we must continue to do on a daily basis what we did to get here initially".... but my addict brain wants what it wants, remembers how much I liked some things, and is still trying to lure me back to it. It seems so benign, so safe, and yet it's that laxness in my thinking that is the first step off the path and away from the recovery that I have found. I dislike saying that out loud here, cause it means I won't be able to have some of the things I keep in that "someday" part of my head... I have to remind myself daily that I am a compulsive overeater. Sometimes I just don't want to be reminded. But it's what I need.

I see clearly that there is much work to do yet, and one day at a time, I will continue to do my best. I've learned my best varies from day to day, and that's okay. I always confused "my best" with "perfect", but I'm learning to be more tolerant of my humanness, more forgiving of my shortcomings, more accepting of the results as long as the effort is my "best".

Continuing to stay in contact with my Higher Power is key to it all, I am grateful for that connection, needy of that connection, reliant on that connection.

Stay Strong!

love and hugs,
me

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