It's been just over 2.5 years since I have been living in recovery. It's been a wonderful journey for me, not always smooth, but always interesting. The more I learn to live in the day, and accept life as it is, the smoother the road becomes.
The nine years previous I was "trying" to work this 12 Step Program my way, and as can be deduced, was totally unsuccessful. So much so that I added another 250 lbs. to my already grossly overweight body making it impossible for me to function any longer in the real world, so I made a life here in cyberspace. This was my only way to get outside my house, and thank God for the internet, it really saved me I think.
I am slowly regaining my 3D life now, getting out amongst people again, breathing unfiltered, un-air-conditioned air, feeling the sun warm me and feel the muscles rebuilding as I work them and stretch them back to life. My mile and a half walk was almost 3 miles this morning. ;-) I had decided to extend myself just a bit.. my sponsor said when I told her this, "yeah, what you gonna do, double it?" LOL She knows me pretty well by now. I said, "yeah, probably" and that's what I did of course. It felt Gooooooooood!! I have been taking part in a weekly martial arts/exercise class, though it doesn't meet for 2 weeks, I'll be looking forward to going back again. I was able the last time to do the entire 45 min. workout, that was a joy for me.
I have been able to get out more and more and take my daughter places I would simply have just said no to before, so she is benefiting directly from my recovery also. I had planned my first weekend away from home with my family for the end of this month, but finances didn't work out, so am staying home while my wife and daughter go by themselves.
My daughter and I were talking this morning on our walk, and the prospect of going to Montana next summer was discussed and am hopeful that we will be able to all go on that trip.
I had a visit from a friend from Chicago last weekend, it was a quick visit, just had time for a couple of hours on his way through to catch his plane back home. We met them at a restaurant to share a breakfast. I chose not to eat anything, as I had just had my breakfast when they called and had to alter their plans just a little, so we drove out to meet them instead of them stopping by our house. Had a great visit, and I didn't feel self-conscious not eating while everyone else did, and no one seemed to mind. Was a time when I would not have been able to do that.
Doing the footwork and leaving the results to HP is how I live these days. I just keep asking myself, "What's the next right thing I can do?", and that's after good stuff and the not so good stuff. Remembering to be thankful no matter what, not just when things go well, is important to me and for me. When things go well for a while, it's easy to start just expecting it to be so, and then when another test comes along, the surprise can sometimes throw me if I've not maintained that spirit of gratitude. I have come to know and expect that no matter what's happening right now, it'll change. I was always ticked about this before, thinking that once I had gotten it "right" I wouldn't have to do it again, that things should just always be good after that. Not so! To paraphrase another slogan, "Life just keeps on happening.", sometimes it's hard to deal with and sometimes it's a joy, but it is always fluctuating. Now I look at it a little more realistically I think. I have learned to really treasure the good stuff, enjoy it, cause I know it won't last forever, so I don't take it for granted as much anymore. When the tough times come along, I know too, that they won't last forever either, so I can take some comfort in that, and just do the best I can with it, and wait for the change.
I am always having struggles with finances, and in that area, I am making headway, the credit balances are dropping, slowly, but they are dropping as I exercise some discipline in that area of my life also.. I can attribute the change in thinking to the working of the steps. The program isn't just to help me deal with the food, it is how to deal with all aspects of my life, it is a blueprint for sane living, period.
The steps are a way to deal with our lives without our crutch or crutches, to accept life as it is, one day at a time. The only step that mentions that crutch is Step One, saying that because of our particular crutch (addiction/substance) our lives have become unmanageable. All the rest of the steps are how to deal with life without resorting to the crutch for escape. It's how it's worked for me anyway.
As The Promises state, before we are half way through, we will see these becoming visible in our own lives. It is nothing short of miraculous to have those things begin to happen, and to start seeing the changes in myself as they occur. I am continually reminded of just how far I've come on this journey, to being able to sit in my car and have nothing rubbing on me anymore, to be able to walk through the house without thinking about how much effort it will take and if I do this now what will I have to not do later, to double the length of my walk on a whim and to be able to make changes in plans at the last minute instead of cancelling altogether, these are some of the small miracles because of this program.
Having lost well over 300 lbs. so far, the weight is not the main thing anymore, if fact I weigh myself only every 3 months, and am not due to do so again till the end of December. It's a great by-product of working this program, just not the main focus anymore.
I am living a different life to be sure. I am a different person than I was. I am becoming more and more comfortable with myself and with my HP. I am trusting more and am able to hold on to that Hope that was for so long so fleeting. It's a good place to be.
Keep coming back.
love and hugs,
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