It was an interesting week.. I got a few ego strokes and had a few things happen to keep me humble. ;-)
-Through the Grace of my Higher Power and the help of the 12 Step Program, I did not eat compulsively this week,
-I was asked to be a sponsor,
-I fell on my a** and had to ask for help to get up.
All in all, A good week!
Being a parent is such a learning experience, my daughter is such a perfect mirror for me, and I find myself giving her such 'great and sage' advice, that I amaze myself, and then have a moment of pause as I realize I don't give myself the same great allowances I am trying to impart to her...
I learned this week to allow myself not to be perfect, I am one who dwells on the negative that happens, most times to the exclusion of all the good things I did. When asked how my program was each day, I would usually dwell on the fact that I didn't accomplish one or two things, negating the 4 or 5 things I did get done... my challenge is not letting myself fall into the practice of then NOT trying to accomplish everything just because I accepted that I didn't do it perfect today, it's a real balancing act. I'm getting better at it, but of course, not perfect. LOL
I have been and am still blessed with the reprieve from desiring food as a sedative for life's challenges. I am truly blessed in this regard and though I have done what I feel is the 'next right thing' (the footwork), I must give all the credit to my Higher Power. Only by His grace am I able to 'recognize' the good things that happen in my life.
The most humbling thing that happened to me this week was to fall coming back from my evening walk. My daughter and I usually go out after dark, (it's cooler then), and I do my 4/10ths of a mile.... Wed. my wife came with us, it was nice to share a family conversation and a bit of exercise. Coming back in to the yard, my wife was closing the gate and I had stopped to continue talking to her, had shut off the flashlight and had turned to head into the house when I lost my balance tripping on a pine root, and after struggling for a moment to regain my balance realized I was indeed going to fall over, I tucked and rolled landing on my side and ended up on my back looking up at the stars, (the ones in the sky), :-) and just stopped for a brief moment to notice how bright and pretty they were, then the feeling of embarrassment at the fact I knew I would not be able to get myself up and there was no way these two tiny people were gonna lift me off the ground... I was stuck sitting there waiting for my wife to bring me a chair so I could pull myself up. It was humbling to have to just sit there and wait for help. In the end it took two chairs so I could put them on either side of me to get the proper amount of leverage, but I finally got up, brushed off the dirt and my ego, and went back in the house.
The next 2 days I felt bruised and sore on the entire length of left side, but dragged myself out to the weekly OA meeting, though I had thought about using that as an excuse to stay home... I felt it more important to not let this minor irritation keep me from taking action to work on my recovery from this addiction..
Falling down has been my worst fear, but now having 'accomplished' it, I survived it, and though I was embarrassed, it wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. I am discovering this more and more in recovery, that all the things I fear, when actually facing them, they just aren't THAT bad.
And so with this great revelation fresh in my mind, I will begin again, another 4th step. I had done one a while back, but I feel now I can be more thorough, more fearless, more complete than I was before.
I was also asked to be a sponsor this week, I had been asked a few times over the past 10 years, but always said no as I felt I wasn't qualified enough to do it. After consulting with my sponsor, I agreed to accept my first sponsee.
I am a bit fearful, but as stated above, that is ok....
love and hugs,
I was writing this morning and was remembering some things regarding affirmations, I met a wonderful lady who every evening when we would share our day, would say what our goals had been for the day, whether or not we accomplished them, say an affirmation after which everyone would respond with a "Yes You Can" or "Yes You Are", depending on how it was worded, and saying what we were grateful for that day.
Her affirmation was always the same and always brought tears to my eyes, and still does today... she would say, "I am a woman of dignity and worth!". It must touch something deep inside of me, cause I tear up and feel such loss because I have never felt that way about myself. I say that today as a prayer of sorts, changing 'woman' to 'man', and hope that someday I can truly believe this for myself.
I am beginning my day, I have as of today been abstinent for 5 months, though I can only focus on the day ahead. I am grateful for the continued reprieve from this disease. I will continue to do my part to the best of my ability and trust that my Higher Power will do those things that I fall short of.
"I am a man of dignity and worth!".
love and hugs,
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