To say life has been interesting would be a real understatement, but I am continuing to handle it one day at a time. My food plan is intact. My program is the most important part of my day, and as it should be, Life just keeps on happening.
Financial matters continue to give me opportunities for growth and the maturing process, trusting that HP will provide for those unexpected happenings, broken cars, house related repairs, extra opportunities for educational matters and related extra curricular and social activities for my daughter. It all seems to take money! So far so good anyway, enough extra work has arrived to cover it.
Our local f2f meeting has grown with new people arriving and staying. The summer time is usually a very small group(4-8) here as the snow birds are up north.. but this year our meeting has more than doubled in size, which is exciting to see. The seasonal members will start showing up again in the next couple of months.
I have worn out a pair of shoes walking over the last year, and am in desperate need of a new pair, but this month the car broke and the money that would have been buying me new shoes is being taken by the car. Someone ran over a venting pipe for the sewer system in our yard and that took the extra a few weeks ago... in my sick mind, I felt it is a message from my HP to stop walking... you think I could be misinterpreting the message? LOL
I was able to drop in to my doctors new office a while back and for the first time in a decade get an accurate measurement of my weight. It was not the number I would have liked, but I figured it was pretty close to the guesses I've been making over the past 2.5 years. I was figuring just under 400 should be right, and it was actually 410, pretty close. Starting at about 725 (best guess) that's a significant loss since beginning this journey. My wife and daughter are beginning to complain about how "bony" I am now, can feel the ribs, and the bones in the shoulders, I'm not the cuddly teddy bear I used to be. :)
I need to begin to do some muscle building I guess, as that would also help my endurance and overall tone. Walking and yard work are about all the exercise I get at this point, but am feeling like "more" is on the horizon. It's that feeling of discontent that moves me forward, my HP nudging me onward. I hear that voice so much clearer these days.
Where is the willingness though? Why do I procrastinate still? I've always said, if I am truly willing, then I would take the appropriate action wouldn't I? To say I am willing but continue to NOT take action means I am really NOT Willing. So I pray for willingness still, for the energy to overcome the non-action in this regard. I do my walk in the morning and with full intention to come home and do "more" before stopping, and yet, when I get home, I'm "done in", so I sit for a bit to recover before going back out to continue.. and by the time I'm cooled off, I really don't want to go back out and get all sweaty again... and that's where I am right now.. as I write this I am mentally preparing to go out and mow the yard. I usually don't walk the days I plan to mow, but I have been wanting to push myself a bit and so this morning I have decided that this is the day I will do it. I don't want to, but I will anyway. It's almost time for breakfast and in the true procrastinating fashion, I will have breakfast first and THEN go out and mow the yard.. :-) really I will!!!!!!!! I WILL!!
My mind just switched to thinking of my daughter and her learning about consequences, and how it relates to me also. The journey to adolescence has been trying at times, but always at the end of the day, she comes for her nightly hug and cuddle, and knows beyond a doubt that whatever happens between us during the day, that I love her and am happy that she is here. Sometimes she hates the things I have her do, but always underneath she knows that what I do is because I think it is best for her. She doesn't always agree, and I respect that, but my role is that of "parent" first, and "friend and confidant" second. That has been a hard lesson for me, cause I want her to be a friend, but more and more I want her to be happy with who she is, and how she fits into the world. I believe my parents wanted those things too, they just didn't have the tools "I" needed them to have, or my own makeup was just unable to see it. I pray that I will be more adaptive than they were without compromising the integrity of my parental role.
This program is the perfect guide I think for learning those things I'll need to accomplish my goals. Through all the turmoil of the past couple of weeks, I found myself concentrating more and more on the details of the challenges rather than on the solutions.. a gratitude list brought me back some balance and I was able to regain the serenity I need to get me through each day.
My mantra has been, "Do the next right thing", and it has proved it's value to me over and over. Do what is in front of me, and the rest will take care of itself, or move up in the list of priorities as needed.
I'm continuing to work the 9th step, my lists are made, I have 3, the people I'm willing to make amends to now, those that I will maybe someday, and those I'm just simply not ready for ever. I continue to work the program and work the steps on a daily basis, growing more and more willing and hopefully able to trust enough to do them all.
Learning to feel the feelings has been somewhat of a test for me. If I take the time to feel sad, a part of me thinks I am wallowing. Learning that feeling sad is a part of life has helped me accept that it is okay to go ahead and feel sad. What's the first thing friends say when you say you are feeling sad? "Don't feel sad, let me give you a hug and you'll feel better." or that tough love approach, "You got nothing to feel sad about, count your blessing, don't dwell on the negative." or like the commercial I've seen lately,,"when I feel sad I like to eat a _________, or when I'm lonely, or happy, or ......" Even the commercials are now invoking that food will fix your emotions... now it may have always been so, but I just noticed now how blatant this particular commercial is...
I think as parents we don't want our children to "suffer", and we equate feeling bad to suffering, and how do we fix it? Just like my parents fixed it, with food! I've found a word of praise is a good as a food fix. I also allow my children to feel sad, mad, happy, angry, etc. I explain that feelings are feelings, we all have them, it's not the feelings but what we do with them that really matters. Sometimes nothing has to be done at all, we just have to feel them.
I wrote a note of thanks the other day to one of the 4H leaders who has spent I'm sure many hours planning the coming year, arranging field trips and organizing speakers and activities, and I got a note back saying how that "upper" email had just made her day. Made me think of the phrase "common courtesy"... sad to say it's not so common anymore. I've made a vow to myself that the next time I think something positive about someone and think I should say so to them, I will. It takes only a minute but it means so much to those who receive it. I know I like it, so why wouldn't everyone else?
My mind is being a bit random today, but that's how it is sometimes... the things that I've been able to work through these past weeks would have in the past had me comatose in a chair for my inability to face them, I am grateful for this program and it's people who have helped keep me moving forward in these trying times. I know that "This too shall pass", and that's a good thing to know.
love and hugs,
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