It's early Sunday morning, the weather has been rainy because of the "storm" that went through, but the sun is peeking through the window, and my day is about to get busy. I have to go make a "house call" today to fix another infected computer. I don't usually do this but this is a long time colleague and friend from my days in the photography business and when she stepped into the world of computers I was the one she called for advice. Because of her setup it really is easier for me to go to her and I'm just happy I'm once again able to get out and do this these days. For more than a few years, I conducted ALL business at my house, though I tried very hard not to have anyone over preferring to do everything via email or phone calls rather than f2f (face to face) contact. It was limiting but workable in most cases. So it is with some measure of gratitude that I am able once again to leave my house and engage people again and though I'd still rather do business here if possible it's not the rule now anymore. Praise this program for that.
Not only because of the physical ability but for the mental growth that kept me isolating from people as much as possible. It's rather difficult trying to conduct business without having some contact with other people. :-) I was good at it, I was amiable, I was charming and funny and "on" with clients, but it was real WORK to do so, and afterward I would pull the shades in my house and just sit in the dark and listen to music or stare at whatever was on
TV as a way to unwind, to numb out, and of course EAT! It got to the point that I hated the thought of having to see people at all, it was just too much work to be "on", to present myself as something I didn't feel I was, which was this funny, genial, outgoing person, when I really just wanted to isolate all the time. I believe this was partly due to the weight and the shame of how fat I was, but part of it was the food fog I was in all the time, I had no inclination to get out of it and it simply overtook me.
Since coming into and really working this program, that fog has lifted and the light of my life has re-entered and my apprehension of again engaging people has left me to a large extent, it's still there, but not as overwhelming as it was by any means.
I have for the past 2.5 years now been following a food plan that works quite well for me. It took some time to get it to it's present form, and though it was work to plan it for the first few months, it has become so easy and so normal for me that I don't have to think about it much. When I began I would have the basic plan in mind, but would still wait till each meal to fill in the specifics, and then just send what I had eaten at the end of the day to my sponsor. This worked for a while, but I recognized after a time that I was still allowing myself to fill in those blanks with foods that I 'felt' like eating at that meal. I was still allowing feelings to rule my food choices, even though following my plan.
Somewhere along the line a few months ago, I began making my food plan for the day in the mornings with the specific food items and for the most part followed it, but still on occasion would substitute items when the mood struck me. My sponsor wasn't too concerned and it was a workable way of doing it for me, so I was fine with it.
This week, our budget has been a bit strained and I was having to "make do" with foods in our pantry, which was okay, it wasn't too much of a strain, but I saw just how "attached" I was to MY FOODS. The safe foods I had come to see as my "normal" choices were missing and there was the slightest elevation in my discontentedness... nothing major, but it was there. Well, I had made my plan yesterday, and I had a few dollars left from paying other obligations so went to the grocery store and got some of my 'normal' foods. When I got home it was time to fix lunch and I had a very strong desire to fix my lunch with these freshly bought items, but something in my mind asked me, "Why are you changing your meal plan? What you prepared to have is still available."
I thought about it briefly and decided to stick to what I had planned. It's not what I "wanted" but it did follow my plan, it was just as nutritious, and it was "just food" anyway, wasn't it? I answered myself, "yes, it is just food anyway", and that's what I prepared and ate, and I was very serene about it and actually just a bit of pride about sticking to the original plan. I immediately said thanks to my Higher Power for this nudge and felt very grateful for this small step forward in my acceptance level.
What brought all this on today though was trying to plan my lunch since I will be away. Do I stop and drive back home to have lunch or do I take something with me to save the time while working on this friend's computer? What I had originally planned for lunch would require me to come home, if I decide to stay there, I would have to alter my lunch for convenience.... I am having to look at my motives here... the food I would have to come home to fix is the "back to my normal" foods, the ones which I have had to do without for a few days, and I can't decide if I am using my plan to fulfill what may be this emotional need to return to that food.
I sense in me right now that the only reason I would be willing to drive about 10 miles to have these specific foods would be the desire FOR those specific foods... an old pattern for sure. Back in my old days I would drive 30 miles for something specific, anytime of day or night.. wow, I see so clearly at this moment that desire is STILL in me.
I will take my lunch with me today, and if I get done and am able to come home to eat, THAT'S what I will eat anyway.
What a revelation! What a reminder that the power of the food is so strong even when being "controlled" a bit due to this program. Thanks HP for this bit of insight into my thinking. I have been writing lately about food just being food, but clearly it is still more than that to me, but thanks to my HP and this program it is in a better place in my life. It still wants to have it's way with me, but with the help of HP it is being restrained on a daily basis.
Bless you all.
love and hugs,
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