Today started out wonderfully. Went for my walk with just my dog today, my daughter had an early morning activity with the turtle patrol and her 4H group, so I let that be her exercise today. It was bright and sunny this morning, I saved a "damsel in distress" from a mighty black snake. It was between her car and her front door and she was outside.. it wasn't really much of a snake but it was enough to keep her outside.. I shooed it away and she was grateful. Since school is back in session, I'm getting to greet a lot of kids walking their way to school and more people seem to be up this time of day now out in their yards. Had a man come out to share a few pleasantries with me and some concerns about his own struggle with weight loss and felt he had to come out and say that I have been somewhat of an inspiration to him. I gave him some positive feedback and told him to keep on keeping on, and that I would too.
The walk itself was a bit of a struggle today, first time in a few days it was a bit more of an effort. My cardiologist reduced my meds in hopes that it would alleviate the fatigue a bit, it's too soon to tell for sure.. but I'm hopeful. Otherwise I still feel fine. Last time I tried cutting the dose in half, but that must have been too much as I felt it right away, this time he's cut me back only 25% and that seems fine.
The struggles with raising a 12 year old continue, but the tension level is low right now, 3 days left on her being "grounded", and she's getting her chores done on time, and her school work done also. This trip to the beach today I considered school, but I think she had some fun too.. :-) She's still trying to finagle her way out of serving the whole time but at least she's remaining fairly good natured about it... It's hard to not just let it go, she has been doing well, and part of me "wants" to, as a reward for her, but she needs to know that what I say is what I mean, and "I" need to know that too. It seems to be going along fine anyway, so there must be something to this being consistent idea.. LOL I'm a slow learner sometimes, I hope I can remember this for the other situations. (btw, thanks to a friend for a line about her "not telling me the whole truth" instead of just calling it lying, I liked that and I've used it a couple of time already)
My wife was taking someone to the airport this morning and then going with a bunch of moms to Busch Gardens for a little mid-week holiday. This trip is one my daughter missed out on because of being grounded, and I'm glad my wife decided to go anyway, not to rub salt in the wound but just to reinforce that her life doesn't stop just because of consequences the kid must endure.
My mind was also wandering around the thoughts of the differences between the thinking of men and women, different ways of looking at things, different priorities, etc. Not sure what prompted it but it covered most situations, and those of a sexual nature seemed most prominent. There's not much discussion about sexuality in the rooms or here on the loop, but I was finding quite a correlation between almost everything and sex today. This is probably because since regaining my body a bit, I'm more interested than I used to be. ;-)
I got to thinking about how my upbringing in a family that really didn't discuss sex at all because it seemed such a taboo subject, that it seemed to have formed such a warped sense of it in me. It is my perception because of things I've read or heard discussed on talk shows, etc. that sex is about "romance and pleasure" for most women, while for men sex is mostly about "power and pleasure" and not so much romance. This is a very simplistic I know, as there's been books written about the differences, and my acceptance of the way my wife views things and the way I view them is key to how stressful our relationship is, in all aspects, not only our physical relationship.
The pervading idea is that women want more romance, more time, more emotional connection. It is the subject of jokes and sit-coms and discussion panels, and books, and is so universal that it must be true.. right? :-) Men in most cases, going by this same pervading thought, just want the climax, to get to it and then get back to doing what they want, or just going to sleep. Now I know this is not the case all the time, there are times when I enjoy a long leisurely lovemaking session, but other times, I just want to get to the physical climax and "then" I can be communicative and nurturing (sometimes).. while for women it's just the opposite. I've heard this and read this for many years so this is not new information is it?
This morning however I was thinking about this aspect of my personality in regards my overall way of looking at situations. My impatience at having to compromise the way things are done in our home, the resistance of others to "my way" of doing things, after all I do them the easiest most efficient way, and it seems so darn logical to me, why can't they see that my way is the best way? And I'm seeing this as a real integral part of my personality, it's the disease in a sense, I want what I want, and I want it my way, and I want it right now. Selfishness and self-centeredness, that's the emotional part of this disease.
Since working this program though it's almost like that thinking used to belong to a different person, though it still is there for sure, I find that I am remembering how I used to react to situations as opposed to how I react now, and it truly is like I am now somebody different. My Higher Power is working in my life and it's important for me to recognize and acknowledge those changes in me when I see them. It makes me extremely grateful to be alive today, to see how far I've come and to wonder how many more changes will occur in my life. I am open to them, I am ready to be changed, I am willing to do the footwork to help those changes occur.
I feel I've been very clumsy about expressing these thoughts, but they seemed so powerful to me this morning, such a light bulb moment of reflection, that I was in awe of the power of this program and of my Higher Power.
I almost took out all the stuff about the sex too, I hope I haven't made anyone uncomfortable, but it was the natural progression of thought that brought me to this today.
I guess what I want to say is this, my past isn't pretty, there are aspects of my personality I don't care for, and the old tapes are always queued up and ready to play it seems, but when I allow it, my Higher Power puts his finger on the pause button long enough to allow me to choose how I am going to react to my life instead of just playing those same old tapes all the time.
I am profoundly grateful for that moment of choice.
love and hugs,
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