The new addition yesterday of my new substance has reminded me once again, that this body just will not tolerate rice. :-( I had a normal portion for lunch yesterday, everything seemed okay, but I was unable to get to sleep last night even though tired and wishing to. This has been the only change in my daily activities so I must assume that it is the cause.
Also this morning after waking up more than 2 hours later than normal for me, I found some fresh fruit already washed and ready to eat as the rest of the family was hurriedly heading out the door for their morning activities.. so, I decided on the spur of the moment to substitute this fruit for my normal choice, thinking of course, "food is fuel" and it's the proper portion, blah blah, but you know what, it just didn't "feel" right, it changed the consistency of my breakfast and I was immediately discontent because it was not "what I expected" for my mouth to feel like, it didn't produce the satisfaction that I was used to.
This had nothing to do with my stomach feeling full, nothing to do with my body getting the nutrition it needs, it had to do with emotional satisfaction, the feeling in my mouth of the foods I was used to. I had to remind myself that it was fine, because food is just fuel, it doesn't matter that it didn't feel the same. I am so used to my routine, to "my normal" that this reaction kinda surprised me today. Was it because I did it on the fly? I hadn't taken time to write out my food plan for the day, I was late getting up, the food was just sitting there, it is food that I can have on my plan, so why this reaction? I don't know at this point. The fleeting thought of having my usual fruit on top of what I already had popped up, I disregarded it, but still it was there. And I immediately began asking myself "why", a conditioning of this program, and so here I am writing about it.
What prompted me to even consider it?
I believe what got this ball rolling was finally "giving in" to all the suggestions - (I see it as pressure) for me to expand my food choices. Part of me WANTS to have what I want, to rationalize that if I just limit quantities of these foods I'll be able to handle it now... because I am in a much stronger place emotionally and spiritually, but you know what, MY BODY (the physical part of this equation) is still the same as it was, and if those substances are put into it, the reaction is already predetermined. It is a fact of my genetic makeup, I needed to be reminded I guess. I'm glad I was aware enough to recognize it so quickly.
Was I wrong to try something new on the spur of the moment?
Yes. I should have "planned" it rather than thinking I could just "wing it". Maybe someday I will be able to, who knows, but not just yet. And that could be my disease telling me that someday I'll be "normal". It would certainly seem so wouldn't it? Will I be able to have different fruits in the future without this reaction? I think so, as long as it is planned and not done on impulse.
Well, I had my day.... the reaction to the rice was immediate, I ate proper portions, I talked it over with my sponsor, I planned it as best I could, but something in my mind KNEW that it wasn't going to work, and yet, I WANTED it to work so I succumbed with eyes wide open, watching for the reactions and was able to recognize them for what they were. Part of me wanted to attribute the reaction to other things so I could keep "trying" it, but deep down, I knew what the cause was. The sloppiness in this morning's breakfast further attests to the effect of putting that substance back in my body. Geez, this is a cunning disease.
So, it's back to my "normal" food plan. This little bit of research has proved to me once again the limitations I must learn to live within. It took me a few weeks to decide to try the rice again, to talk myself into it, wondering if it was just my own fear that didn't want me to move out and begin trying new things... I have to pay attention to that fear, it's a healthy fear I think, it's the self-knowledge that I DO have limitations that others don't have, and I have to be true to that.
I'm glad I did this now, because I am having my first major outside event this Saturday, I'm going to the country club to celebrate my wife's birthday, about 20 friends and family members will be there and it is the first time I will be "eating out" at a restaurant in over 3 years. I have special ordered my meal, and I am ready (I think). I know it means a lot to my wife for me to be there, her sister is flying in from New England, her cousins, and Aunts and Uncles, etc. and I WANTED to be there for her. She was thrilled when I said I would go and she's taken care of making sure there is food that I can eat.
I know now (again) that I must stick to my food plan, I must not let the pressures of the event run over what I KNOW is right for me. I will keep a strong spiritual connection this week and especially be asking for help during the event to remain strong and true to myself. I will focus on the people and the conversation rather than on the food. I'm looking forward to having a good time.
I hope the rest of the weekend is good for everyone. I'm going to go cut down a few trees today, to work out the toxin from my body. That is something positive I can do to help recover from poisoning myself.. (smile) "the next right thing" if you will. :-)
love and hugs,
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