It's been a busy couple of weeks for me, Life has certainly been putting some interesting things in front of me. Working on getting our finances back in order, got through refinancing the house, and am in the process of calling credit card companies to try and reduce interest rates. They don't seem to interested in working with me until I ask if I should just call a Credit Counseling Service... then suddenly I have a supervisor and a lower rate. :-)
It was a little amazing to me, since before I would have been very upset and angry that they were just sticking to their standard policies... I would be blaming them for my problems, but this time I just asked politely if they had any programs in place that would help me out, and when they said it would take 6 months before they could re-evaluate my account, I calmly said, "I won't be able to survive it for another 6 months, is there any program you have or do I just need to call a counseling service?" The 'calmly' was important for me, cause in my mind, it no longer mattered to me, I no longer was thinking about what they would think of me, how it might affect further credit, I was simply trying to get resolution to the problem. The consequences are something I will simply have to deal with. I'm no longer willing to put myself through this emotional torment.
Next thing that came up was a new client, gave me total freedom which is something I would have thought was a good thing... however, after designing his site, spending many hours and putting it up for him to approve, he came back with, "it needs more sizzle", and when asking for some direction or ideas, his response was, "I don't know how to describe what I want, but I'll know it when I see it, that's why I have you"... :-\ Well, after a week of more attempts and getting more and more frustrated, I finally sent him an email telling him that it might take a while for me to "guess" what it was he wanted, and that I needed some kind of interaction here as it would get expensive for him and frustrating for both of us to continue this way. It was starting to drive me a bit crazy, feeling doubtful that I had any creativity in me at all, the self-doubts were beginning to run rampant, and I decided I don't need this kind of aggravation in my life any more. Over the past week, I would ask many questions trying to ascertain some of what he was thinking, what kinds of things he liked and was looking for, the responses were minimal, a sentence here and there... reminded me of my dad, and his feelings were, "if things are going well, nothing needs to be said, if they're going wrong, you get beat". Funny how all these past emotional wounds are opened with such seemingly small current happenings isn't it?
His response to my email was to give me some ideas, (I had asked that we brainstorm a bit), and he had some good ones, some were technically over MY head, and initially I thought, well, I won't be able to do that, he might as well just get someone else, I'll return the money he sent me already and that'll be that. This is My usual response, one of giving up, BUT, I began to think of alternatives, it wouldn't be exactly like he described, but I could try this or that, so I spent the morning searching for "other" things to do, working with a new program that I didn't feel I was ready to incorporate and began getting results that I remember asking myself, "how did I do that?".. so I feel like my HP was moving my fingers during that and I came up with a really nice opening movie for this site... simple by most standards I guess, but I liked it.. I redesigned the entire graphic layout, changed colors, altered content, etc. and what I got was a nice concise visually pleasing and interesting opening page... I put it up for him to view and sent an email with the link, and forgot about it as I had other things to do the rest of the day.
His response was again very short, only one sentence... "Now we're cooking!" was what I got back... High praise from this man.. LOL
The other main thing that has proved interesting this week was the preparation for speaking at my first "outside" program for eating disorders at the treatment center I went to 2 years ago. I was asked to tell my story and they gave me 30 mins to speak. After offering, and them accepting, I immediately went in to self-doubt mode again, What do I really have to say to them? Will it be of any value? Will I be funny? Will I be interesting? Will I be able to come up with something profound that will change anyone's life? Will I, Will I, Will I.....??????? geez, I'm self-absorbed sometimes. I spent a few days outlining ALL the main points of my life that I thought I wanted to share, I had 14 pages of bullet points.. lol... I began practicing on the dog and when I got through my childhood, my adult life and to the point of going to the treatment facility, I looked up and I had talked for an hour, and still hadn't got to the part where I was actually in recovery.... so I began to whittle down all those 'important' points and tried to make it more concise... I've done 3 revisions so far and feel I have it down to about the 30 mins worth that I was asked for.. I'll know Saturday night... :-)
The process has proved cathartic for me, going over the events of my life I think I can now pinpoint the event that altered my view of food for me, that was interesting, it's a story I've shared many times, but the huge significance of it just opened up before me like a door opening with the light shining in a couple of days ago... It gave me a calm that is so wonderful, and let me release all the anxiety I was having about doing this talk. I'm not sure why, I just know the feeling of serenity is upon me about this and I know I will do fine now. I will open with a prayer and let God put whatever words he will in my mouth. I have done the footwork, I have brought my recollections of my life into my conscious mind and will now let the spirit pick and choose which will be shared.
I do have an outline, a couple of quotes that I think I want to read, but the actual bullet points are less than a page... I will rehearse one more time, and then I will let it go.
I continue to be in awe of this program, of my Higher Power, of people that are in my life because of this disease, I am a lucky man.
Through all these trials and tests in the past 2 weeks, food has not entered my mind at all, the obsession continues to be lifted for me, as food is nothing more than food now, it's not comfort, it's not love, it's not sedation, it's just nourishment, What a joyful place to be.
Life is good!
love and hugs,
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