Putting my faith in this program means letting go what I have in the expectation of something better. I must be prepared for moments of confusion and upheaval, feelings of uncertainty and, yes, even fear. However useless or destructive the old may be, it is given up with difficulty.
I may be surprised to find that what God wills for me may not necessarily be what I ordered up, as one does from a menu. But I have already seen that everything I turn over to my Higher Power is taken care of far better than I could have imagined.
For today: What I need most to turn over to God is already clear to me.
That was todays reading in the OA "For Today" book, the last few days readings have been especially poignant to me... on the 25th, it says: "It took the twelve step program to teach me to simply 'endure', to go straight through a difficult, discordant time without yielding to the urge to escape into the food or to yell for somebody to "fix" it.
My rewards are many: new strengths and capabilities, the peace that comes with acceptance of what is, and the joy of knowing I am free."
I sit here in amazement and gratefulness at not having food be any thought for me except as nourishment, I have had some anxiety in the past months, but have simply 'endured' and amazingly those feelings were dispelled, and new ones took their place.
I am currently feeling very sad about the loss of a friend who committed suicide a few days ago. I did not know her well, we weren't all that close, but we did share some time together, and we had this disease in common, and I am feeling a definite loss. I am sad for her friends and family who must now deal with the devastation of her losing all hope. Having been to the brink myself I can only say, "there but for the grace of God ......" . What was it that made me decide to stay? Guilt for those I would leave behind? Hope that I could recovery from this terrible disease? I think a little of both, but mostly the guilt for leaving my wife and children.
I was speaking today with someone about death, and my feelings of not being afraid of it, I view it as a continuation of the journey of life, just in a non-corporeal form. She was the first person who understood and agreed with my feeling about that.. though many people profess to believe in a life after this one, and that it will be better, they are afraid to go.... they cling to this life no matter how horrible it is for them, and I have always embraced it as a natural progression. When life becomes too hard, to painful, to warrant staying, then I always felt I was ready to move on.... and yet when my own death was eminent because of the abuses I had put my body through, I chose to try to stay a while longer.
Honestly, I let the guilt of leaving my family sway me, but it soon became 'MY' desire to stay alive and give myself a little more time here.
To say that my feelings are confused and ambivalent would be an understatement, but I must press on, doing what I need to do each day, following my plan, and hopefully God will reveal to me some greater purpose he has for me, some reason why it was important I stay here. For now, it is enough that I 'am', that my daughter loves me, that my wife loves me, and is still willing to put up with me.
May I someday 'be' what she sees in me.
I feel extremely blessed to be alive, to have been given more time to become a better human being. I guess 'that' would be the ultimate purpose here, just to become the best I can be. I have a challenge separating 'best I can be', and 'perfect', but I'm working on it... getting better as I practice with the help of the 12 Step Program.
It turns out, today was a good day, maybe not perfect, but good. I did what I needed, which for me was to prepare foods for the coming week, do laundry, read something inspirational, make some phone calls to program people, write in my journal, do some work on the computer, call my sponsor, clean up the kitchen and take a nap... :-) I've done most of that already, it's now time to fix supper. The clock just spoke the time, and I realized it's later than I thought... (nothing new here!!) so will quit for now.
I appreciate you all being out there, stay strong!
love and hugs,
life is continuing to be good. My program is great! Food plan is intact and the other pieces of my day are getting accomplished more often than not. I'm walking about a half mile a day now... and continuing to let go of more weight. I cannot say in words how totally blessed I feel for having this obsession removed from my life.
The term, "Not an option" has taken on new meaning for me. I have heard this phrase in program for 10 years, but it never was "real" to me until this year. I have been able to summon the strength to remain convinced that 'some foods' are just 'not an option' for me... not as a reward for doing well, not as a comfort for 'just this once', and not as a 'someday I'll be able to again'.... there are some substances that will simply just have to be let go, and for the first time in my life, I feel no loss because of realizing this, I feel free because of it. What a joyous place to be.
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