Just got back from my walk, I SO did not want to go this morning, was wondering where I would summon the strength to go from, but I just dismissed the thought after about 15 sec..(though at the time it always seems interminable", and just put myself on auto-pilot, got dressed and started.... (doing the next right thing) I never got to a place where it felt good this morning, but it didn't get any worse and I was thinking while walking how I have come to be able to better evaluate my body's signals to me. I am now able to tell the difference between the "tired" of low energy and the "tired" of needing to rest. Same as I am now able to distinguish between the feelings of "hunger" that are based in emotions and the "hunger" of needing sustenance.
These email loops are a great resource for reading how people are dealing with their lives and this disease. It is wonderful to see how lives are changed by working this program, and it's also a great reminder when people are willing to share their struggles here, it keeps it real for everyone. It ever reminds us that this is a daily reprieve from the disease not a lifetime pass, and by that I mean of course that staying focused on the day is all we have to do, and as long as each day goes well, when we look back, it IS in a way a lifetime pass, but by simply doing the work today won't make it unnecessary to do it again tomorrow.. so we have a new life, one day at a time.
I struggled with this concept most of my life, thinking that once I did something the benefit "could, would, should" last forever. Of course I was always disappointed and so would get angry and upset when it turned out not to be true. It is so irrational that when trying to think of an example to illustrate my point, I couldn't .. :-) what popped into my head was in relation to men saying to their partners, "You know I love you, I told you that once, when it changes I'll let you know, after all I'm still here, right?" or "I married you didn't I?".. Why is it we stop being romantic with our partners after a while?
I saw a movie many years ago, "Yentl", and I vaguely remember the actual story line, but what got to me about it and made me very sad was this question of "Where does the romance go in a relationship?", All the little things I was willing to do in the beginning, the endless conversations, the endless lovemaking, talking of our dreams and aspirations, planning our future, sitting on the couch and reading together, holding hands, taking walks, going shopping (without watching the clock), etc.
This of course is the basis of many many books and I don't presume to have any answers here, but it is still a question I work on. I practice these days doing the little things that show her I still care about her, still have romantic feelings for her, still like to be with her.. I also work on giving my daughter positive feedback, not just correcting her, not like my parents who just figured if I was doing okay, they didn't "need" to say anything.
I like hearing when I do something that pleases someone, or was helpful to someone, so I have to figure others are like that too... it's a real effort though because the ingrained tapes that play say, "if you're doing okay, I don't need to say anything"..... I NEED to break that cycle and so I work at finding something I can give a positive affirmation about, either to myself or others. I was calling around looking for a better deal for my homeowners insurance the other day, and come to find I already had the best price that I'm going to get... which is what my current agent told me, though she did tell me to check around, that maybe someone would have a better policy, but that she couldn't get a better one.... well, I found she was right, and when I found out I had this overwhelming urge to call her and tell her just to let her know that I appreciated her time and effort on my behalf. Well, her response was "boy you really made my day, thanks for calling and telling me.", I guess she hears a lot of negative stuff all day, so a little thing like that really meant a lot to her, and what did it take on my part, about 30 sec. and I could tell how much it elevated her mood over the phone... and once again I thought of these "little" things that mean so much but that we simply stop doing.
So this has been on my mind a while...wasn't where I was going when I started writing this .. funny how that works out isn't it?
I guess it's like doing the dishes once and figuring I'll never have to do them again, or mowing the grass and expecting it not to continue to grow, it is irrational to think that way isn't it? And yet in our program and our lives sometimes, isn't that what we do? I know I do..
This is a daily program that gives us a daily reprieve from our disease, it will never be over, it will never be finished, it's one day at a time, everyday. For me, everyday is day one, and that's just how I have to look it to keep it real for me. I can figure out I suppose how many days I have, but I do know when I first received the gift and that's enough for me.
Doing repetitive tasks can get boring when our thinking is not service based, not spiritual in nature, or not in considering how it supports the larger aspects of our lives, but they are essential to our existence and well-being.
So I continue to do the small repetitive everyday things so that I can remain in recovery and even as my life is very tumultuous at the moment, I am still able to remain serene and grateful to my HP for his Grace and blessings.
Have a great abstinent day!
love and hugs,
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