Life has been closing in on me the last week or so.. money challenges, computers breaking, cars breaking, body aching, all manner of inanimate objects fighting me on a constant basis it seems... I'm ready to just stand up and scream for some relief!!!!!!!
I've ripped 2 shirts to shreds catching them on drawer pulls and door knobs, the cat continues to add new holes when she lays on me, my kid keeps bruising me (unintentionally of course) when she jumps on me for hugs during the day... the cars both needed repairs that added another burden on the already strained heap of bills, and one computer is dead and one is dying.... and there's no money to revive them at this point... at this moment in time, Life SUCKS!!!
Stepping out of the Pity Pot ........
I did get to go grocery shopping today, the check won't clear the bank till tomorrow at which time money will be there to cover it, assuming no break down in the banking system's computers. I normally wouldn't have written these checks today until and unless I was absolutely sure the money was there already.... but in a moment of weakness I went ahead, so now I am ticked at myself for breaking my own rule in this matter. Amazingly enough the thought of food to calm me has NOT made an appearance. I will have an abstinent lunch, and I will say a prayer for continued sanity and for strength to hold on to my convictions in the future, for serenity and for continued grace. This IS definitely compulsive behavior and the fact that it is not food consumption related (well, I guess inadvertently it is) has little bearing for me... it was a breach and needs attending to.
I've heard it said that our "circumstances do not MAKE us who we are, they REVEAL to us who we are". To look at this event, not in a blaming way, but simply one of revelation, of investigation of my character, is where the value will come for me. My spiritual connection needs work, obviously! I want to be the kind of person who holds himself to a higher standard, one who will do what is right no matter the consequences, one who will accept the consequences of my own actions with humbleness and strength, and of course the only way for me to do that is to maintain a strong and constant connection to my Higher Power, trusting that whatever comes my way, I will be able to handle it with HP's help.
I pulled the 2 hard drives out of the computer this morning and called to see about warranty replacement but there was a small glitch and I haven't heard back yet as to who actually has the warranty responsibility, the original manufacturer or the reseller, so until I do hear, I will let this go, and have put them back in so I can at least use the computer and hopefully it will keep working long enough to get this matter resolved. I am happy about my taking care of this today, I hate making these kinds of calls, but I remained calm and the people who helped me were very cordial. I didn't go off on a rage when the wrinkles began to appear, but calmly asked for more assistance, and asked what else needed to be done to get this resolved. In the past I would've gone ballistic and began yelling and being a general A**.
So, some progress has happened huh? :-)
I am now calmed sufficiently to go ahead and fix my lunch, as I always try not to eat when upset about something... the tendency to "eat" the problems is too easy when in an agitated state.
My weekly OA meeting is tonight and I'm looking forward to it, I have kept in contact with my sponsor a bit more this week, and with other program contacts and that has helped tremendously also. I will keep doing the footwork and leave the results to HP.
love and hugs,
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