I had some very disturbing dreams last night.. they have faded quite a bit by now, but the one thing I do remember is that my daughter had been killed in some kind of accident, and all I remember is the hopelessness and despair and hurt and the feeling of being out of control and life being unfair and the anger of losing her. It gives me a "small" insight into the pain and anguish my own parents must have undergone when they lost my sister at the age of 14 (my daughter is now almost 12 and this is close to the anniversary of my sister's death) and I must say that as much trust and faith as I have now in my own HP, I was immediately feeling suicidal and totally overwhelmed again. I did not like that feeling and was a little surprised at my reaction.
Intellectually I can know what is motivating me, but this little glimpse into actually "feeling" the pain showed me I have a lot of work to do yet. It is just a glimpse, I know that because I woke up and was extremely thankful it was just a dream. I see this as my HP's way of showing me something of myself. I'm not sure exactly why but then I don't really have to understand it, just explore it.
Of late I have been hearing much of changing behaviors, and the main point I'm getting is that I can spend a lot of time and money on therapy and figuring out why I do things, OR I can just stop doing them. Having done the therapy route, I do know now much of what motivates me, and I did learn one major point in all that time, "It Doesn't Matter!" When all is said and done what I have "to do" is stop doing the behavior. I found that for me knowing why had no relationship to being able to stop it. Understanding the underlying motivation did NOTHING to help me change. What helped me was stopping and trusting HP that the outcome would be worth it, that the payoff of not continuing my behavior, in my case overeating, would be a more happy, serene, joyful, fulfilling, and worthwhile existence. It was a long held and ingrained belief of mine that IF I could just understand the "whys" of my life, it would be easy to then change my life. It was a truth of mine that has been proven false.
I woke up feeling very fortunate, feeling more motivated to teach my daughter the important lessons of life, to the best of my ability anyway, to really concentrate on the connection we have, to cherish the time together, to treat everyday like it is the only day.. in other words, to be present where I am, to Live while I'm alive. One day at a time is becoming more and more meaningful to me as I work my way through this program and my life.
I am so grateful at this moment for the joys and the pains of living cause it teaches me commitment, connection, a little of the meaning of "Love". Dealing with all that life has to show me about myself, learning to trust more, to question my value system, to think, to accept. I am a stubborn student sometimes, but by God's Grace, I am learning a bit more each day.
Abstinence was the starting place for me, if still into my substances I don't believe any of this would have been possible, I would still be covering all these feelings up instead of being able to explore them... I am coming up on my 2 year anniversary of being clean with my food, and I am in awe of the changes I can see in me, and thankful for those who have helped me see those changes that were not so apparent to me. It has been a wonderful journey so far and I trust that it will continue to be so. Not all rosy to be sure, but always "interesting" :-)
I wish for you all an "interesting" life! hehehe It'll be challenging but it'll be rewarding!
well, yet another dream of losing something, this time it wasn't something I was all that attached to though... hmmm.. getting interesting.
It went thusly: came out of the house, my motorcycle was parked on the sidewalk from my driveway to the front of my house, didn't see a For Sale sign on it but it may have been there for sale, I knew I wasn't using it, it was just sitting there. There was a guy in a car telling me "that might not be the safest place for it", and I nonchalantly agreed with him, a little miffed to have him point it out to me like it was any of his business, and I said "yeah, probably not" and headed down my driveway to the back of the house... I did begin thinking though that it probably wasn't a good place for it and I probably should either move it or chain it up, and as I was walking back up to the front I decided to ask this guy if he wanted it, that I'd give him a really good deal on it as I wasn't using it, but when I got back up front he was gone, and so was my bike. I also noticed that now I was in an enclosed front yard with the gates to the driveway (solid wood 8' high)closed and the border of the yard was thick tall bushes, where before the yard had no shrubs or fencing. I had one brief moment of surprise, a little anger, but then my thought was "well, I hadn't really wanted it anyway", so now it was gone, no big deal!?!
so, there's a couple (at least) ways to interpret this, my first take on it also take into account the dream yesterday about losing my daughter, and this one is of something less important but still one of loss. I began looking at my program and asking myself, Am I working this program as diligently as I should.. the answer was no. Am I afraid of losing what I consider a strong recovery? No. Am I taking my recovery a little for granted? hmmm,, yes!
I have been sick for a few weeks now and have missed 2 of my weekly meetings. I haven't been calling my sponsor as much as I could, this is partly due to a schedule change for her, but that will be over in 2 weeks so we can get back to 'normal', but the fact is I haven't had as much contact with her as I have in the past. I haven't been calling my other contacts as often as I used to. My food measuring has been slightly sloppy again.
I have however been handling the stresses of parenthood much better, am calmer in face of disputes and more measured in my dealings with my daughter, and wife for that matter. I have calmly been able to bring up a major area of dispute with my wife, and though she wasn't happy with my pointing it out, it didn't turn into a big fight. It wasn't really resolved yet, but at least the discussion has begun.
I think the messages may be overlapping and the gist of it for me so far is that I must be more vigilant about my program, if I let these small things add up I could very well lose the more important things in my life. To be so nonchalant about my program is dangerous. It is the balance between confidence, trust, and faith and the opposite of those by being so casual about it as to not give it the importance that it needs and demands.
When taking this dream by itself, another interpretation might be that the bike represented some character trait that was no longer being used and of no more importance to me and that when it "was taken" from me it just was no big deal. The person in the car could have been my old self telling me to guard this trait or I would lose it, playing on my selfishness to keep everything I've ever had.. that "what's mine is mine and it will always be mine"... but when it was gone I was not upset for long, in fact it wasn't any more than a fleeting thought.
I think this is the more accurate reaction to this latest dream, because I actually felt no loss from losing it. The fencing has me a little stumped though... Am I now trying to safeguard the rest of my stuff or am I being protected from the outside stuff by my HP? I guess since I didn't put it up it must be my HP. :-) Maybe it'll become clearer later.
So today I will more diligently pursue my program, make my calls, measure more accurately, pay more attention instead of just operating on auto-pilot when fixing my meals. It's when I'm not really thinking about what I'm doing in that regard that mistakes are made. So I have to remind myself to once again, "be present" while I'm doing things.
It's cold this morning and I had almost talked myself out of going for my walk... after all I'm still sick (in the head) :-), but I will go now.. might have to wear a jacket but I'll be fine.
Hope you all have a great abstinent day!
love and hugs,
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