The Recovery Group

A Personal Recovery




1-17

Hi all,

Been listening to some "old" familiar music this morning, The Eagles, it's a grey morning here, chilly by SW Florida standards, wind is blowing and I'm getting ready to do my walk and the last song on the CD was "Desperado", and listening to it brought back a real sadness for me, and then the gratefulness of being able to "see" the good things in my life today even amidst the negatives and turmoil that I still allow in.

There has been many powerful shares this week and I surely do appreciate you all willing to open up that way, to share the coming back after years of relapse, and finally figuring out or maybe just recognizing what triggered it in the first place. It helped me to take this recovery of mine less for granted than I had been, and I really didn't think I had been.

The talk of pain being all that's left was something that touched me a great deal. My father was a very abusive man to me, more so than to my siblings, I guess cause I was willing to defy his authority so openly so often, always the smart mouth, always trying to "get his goat", and it worked, to my detriment and sore tush and being beat up emotionally, always being told how "defective" I was. After many years I was able to "let go" of the anger and hurt towards him, but found indeed for me there was nothing left. The pain WAS our relationship. It saddens me to admit that to you all, though I did to myself a long time ago. There is still a part of me that wishes he had been a different kind of father, but wishing won't make it so, and accepting him as he is leaves no room for a relationship.

I vowed to be a better father to my own children and I believe I have been even though many times I fall so short, am so intolerant, so judgmental, and still my smart mouth can hurt those I love. I'm quicker to make the apology now and make a sincere effort at an amends by changing my behavior, and thanks to this program have made remarkable progress. The instinct is still there though, and it's a struggle at times to keep my mouth shut till I've had time to reframe the response, and so far I've been winning in that department.

there's a line in the song that goes:

"You're losin' all your highs and lows,
Ain't it funny how the feelin' goes away?"

And my life had become that unfeeling, numb existence, if you define Heaven as looking toward and being bathed in HP's light, and Hell as being in the dark and having turned away from HP, then I was in Hell. I kept myself numb so I wouldn't have to feel the bad feelings, but it also blocks the good ones, and life becomes merely breathing and taking up space. Losing all the Highs and Lows, and soon you feel nothing.

The line about "ridin' fences" got to me too, I spent 10 years riding the fence in this program, not fully committing to it, trying desperately to keep that which was comfortable and proven to me, and yet not being fulfilled by it. I'm speaking of the food of course. Even after knowing what certain foods did to me I was unwilling to put them out of my life, the line is: "These things that are pleasin' you can hurt you somehow."

Having let go of those foods now for the last 2 years, it is remarkable to me, I have NO cravings anymore, only the occasional food thought, which I can handily take care of now by simply asking myself the question, "Why am I wanting this food now?"... and immediately looking for the emotional reasons for these thoughts redirects my mind and the food thought is gone almost instantly. I don't think I'll ever not have them, but I've learned to handle them for now. The power of the food plan is that I KNOW I've had enough to satisfy my bodies nutritional needs, if I WANT something else, I know it's for another reason.

I am going through another "tired" period, they aren't happening as often as they used to, and I try to look at the positive things about them, that it will pass, that it means I'm still losing weight, and so this is just a cyclical thing that is allowing my body to adjust to the new physique, but I dislike it anyway..

I could stay home so easily today, and that's why I have to go out walking today, because I don't want to go. I also know by the time I'm half way through I'll feel better, (at least most of the time).

I found listening to the music this morning I was beginning to enjoy the negative feelings, I could have let it take me down so easily, but I did a quick gratitude list and it helped me stop the spiral.

I have to be careful about what I let into my brain, I need to keep positive input going in there, hence reading the BB, the OA literature, positive uplifting things is essential.

I've included the lyrics for Desperado at the end of this post.. I really love this song, it reminds me where I was, and the last line about "let somebody love you before it's too late" is the answer to the dilemma for me. I've learned to do that through working this program.

Thank you all for being there.

Stay Strong!

love and hugs,
me

---------------------------------------

Desperado

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now,
Oh, you're a hard one, I know that you got your reasons,
These things that are pleasin' you can hurt you somehow.

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy, she'll beat you if she's able.
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table,
But you only want the ones you can't get.

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger,
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home,
And freedom, oh freedom, well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walkin' through this world all alone.

Don't your feet get cold in the wintertime?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine,
It's hard to tell the nighttime from the day.
You're losin' all your highs and lows,
Ain't it funny how the feelin' goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you.
You better let somebody love you,
Let somebody love you.
You better let somebody love you,
before it's too late

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Part 51



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