I was doing a voice over for a movie of some kind, the opening monologue, I rehearsed it once, standing on a podium facing the huge screen that the images were playing on, the rehearsal went great but there was one word or phrase that I couldn't make out, but was told to go ahead, that it sounded great.
The studio was dark, I took my place on the podium, the images began to play and I began, I stumbled on some words and said, "oh sorry, Take Two!" and began again, but with each reading I stumbled more and more.. and finally got to the end of the sentence and because I couldn't make out that last word again, I stopped, turned to face the producers who were waaay in the back of the room, and asked what that word was again... I was told but couldn't quite make it out, and once again was told to start, but I insisted that I needed clarification on this word. There were several people sitting around the producers area, one being a distantly related family member who has been deceased for quite a few years already, one of my wife's uncles, and we had never been close, I don't know what he was doing in my dream.. :-) Also sitting up close to me was a friend of mine, who it seemed was acting as my manager... this person is a real life business friend of mine, a German born lady with a very thick accent and she took up with the English lady who was the producer about what these words meant that I was reading, these two ladies began a very heated personal exchange that ended badly... this word or phrase was some ancient English that no one knew the meaning too and it soon became a shouting match between those two and I was left out of the conversation altogether... only now, I was in front of a theater full of people, an audience(where did they come from?) who were watching us do this project. When the two lady's stopped their shouting match, the entire audience stood up and faced the back where the English producer was and began reciting my part. I could not get anyone's attention over this bedlam and so began to walk up the aisle to go and ask for better clarification on this word. What had been a single piece of paper that I was reading from became a hardbound 3-ring binder just loaded with papers. I made my way back amongst everyone reciting my part and began to ask my relative to clarify, though I don't know why, he isn't English, and someone else leaned in towards me and asked what I needed, I showed this man the passage in question and he did indeed clarify it, as I was about to turn around, he gently took my arm and guided me to the English producer lady, whom I asked if I now understood that word correctly and asked if it was similar to another phrase that I was familiar with and she said, "yes, that's it exactly" and smiled a huge smile, and so I headed back down to the front of the theater and was feeling very good about asking for clarification even though in my mind I had already lost the job because of my mistakes. As I passed my German lady friend I heard her telling someone, "you think that was all for her, no, I've been waiting to say that since I was a kid".
It was at this point, I woke up... and I thought to myself, well, what was THAT all about? After thinking about it a little, I've come to these conclusions:
I had been doing something I was excited about.
I was good enough to get the job in the first place.
I was good in rehearsal, but when the "tape was rolling" and my perfectionism kicked in I began making more and more mistakes.
I didn't understand totally everything about what I was doing, but was told to go ahead anyway. I became frustrated.
Someone else stepped to "help me" or "defend" me, but because of their own agenda ended up antagonizing my employers to the point that I felt I was taken out of the interaction and would lose the opportunity to finish this project. I wanted to leave to avoid any confrontation.
As all around me was in chaos, I took it upon myself to at least get clarification so I could maybe apply this knowledge to any new opportunities that might be presented to me.
I asked someone for this help but NOT the person who was in the power position, in other words NOT who I really needed to be addressing. Someone else put themselves in the place of answering the question but then would not let me simply leave, he gently but firmly put me in front of the power person forcing me to confront her personally, and when offering my new understanding of the situation I was embraced emotionally with some respect, she smiled and sent me back to continue my job. I felt vindicated for standing up and not just packing up and running away(my first thought when the shouting had begun).
It indicates to me that my inner self is changing, that even through my doubts and initial reactions to situations, my new thinking is having some positive affect, the fact that even though I felt this opportunity was lost I was more interested in learning from it so I would be better equipped for the next time. This has become the pervading attitude in me over the last year, sure I won't do everything perfectly, but I'll get "better" and in every situation there is something positive for me to learn... That's a pretty good lesson don't you think?
They say when you start dreaming in a new language that it's really become a part of you.. well, this is a new language for me... the language of self-respect, of self-worth, of the willingness to be guided and trust in something other than myself. It required me to get started in the right direction though, and once in motion, my HP will step in and nudge me in the direction I need to go..
I am so overwhelmed with gratitude at this moment as I realize that my HP was there and is here for me now, always willing to show me the way if I just make the effort to do the "next right thing".
love and hugs,
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