I'm so sick and tired right now... been sleeping about 20 hours a day since last Friday, this bug has decked me worse than anything I can remember.
I still read the emails though and some thoughts struck me...
First off the shares lately have proven beyond any doubt "to me" that regaining abstinence is much harder than keeping it. This has been my 2nd year of remaining abstinent through all the special reasons for eating that our society provides us, Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines Day, Memorial Day, summer vacation, winter vacation, New Years, the Spring Equinox, the Summer Solstice, Labor Day, Presidents Day, Columbus Day, Easter, May Day, Cinco de Mayo, Boxing Day, three day weekends, Hump Day, Friday night, Sunday sports, Secretaries Day, Arbor Day, and for those downer days, death in the family or a friend, Monday after a long weekend, last day of the vacation, rainy days, snowy days, too hot sunny days, going to a movie(you have to eat during a movie don't you? isn't that a rule?), when traveling trying out EVERY new restaurant in the area, ... the list goes on ad infinitum doesn't it? LOL
I, being a COE, eat simply because I'm awake, it was my way of dealing with my life, the good, the bad, the indifferent, food was my way of coping, period. I spent a lot of years using it, and so learned nothing about how else to deal with things. The food became even more of a problem than did all the OTHER problems in my life, thus elevating it to top of the list of "MY Life's Problems", and so it was either learn something new or be dead. I flirted with death as a viable alternative, but in the end chose to learn some other ways to deal with my life and it's challenges. I committed to this 12 Step Program, got and followed a food plan, the first step for me as I HAD to put down the food before being able to work the steps with any kind of consistency, to clear my head of the physical triggers before being able to "see" the emotional ones... it was hard work and I've been at it for almost 2 years now... it is getting "easier" but it must be in my conscious mind every day or my thinking quickly reverts back to the old ingrained thinking that was my life. I must do the work everyday, and in earnest, to maintain my spiritual connection and so my sanity.
I have been blessed with having the compulsion to overeat removed from me, to have actually forgotten to eat a few meals as my life becomes more interesting and the need for diversion from it has been lessened.
I read all the shares about how difficult the holiday season has been, how the slips have taken their toll, and I remember the pain and despair of having been there myself. Finding the hope to try one more time was difficult, but as long as we are trying we haven't failed, it's when we give up the effort that we are totally beaten. Please hang on and keep trying till the miracle happens, it is worth all the pain, all the despair, all the mental flogging we do to ourselves. Once we break through, the joy is so overwhelming that we find in the smallest piece of enlightenment.
Being on this side of that equation, I sometimes get a little judgmental about those that still struggle, but it passes very quickly as I simply remember how many years it took me to finally "get it", and to realize that I have no guarantees about keeping this, it's a daily reprieve not a lifetime pass, it is contingent on my continued efforts to do the legwork, to follow the plan, to reset my vision and to never ever think that "I have arrived". That would be the kiss of death to me I think. The arrogance would quickly lead me right back into thinking I could do it by myself, and I KNOW it is by the Grace of God that I am here today and not through my own efforts alone.
To those who are starting over, good for you! Go For It! It is possible and you are worth it. You have something to share with me that I can get from no one else. However the same we all are, we are each unique and that "something special" that makes our lives worth living, for ourselves, can also be for the benefit of those we meet and interact with along the journey.
I pray that we all find the strength to carry on one more meal, one more hour, one more day, that our lives will be joyful and fulfilling and of benefit to those we would help along the way.
We are not alone. By reaching out TO help, or FOR help, we touch so many others and WE benefit as much if not more than those we extend ourselves to.
I say thanks to my Higher Power for the past gifts, and pray for continued guidance and blessings as I work this program..
love and hugs,
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