Saturday morning here in SW Florida, been raining since before sunup. Slept late because of it.. which was nice. I always feel "safe" in this kind of weather, looking out the window it's all grey, can't see across the water to the outlying islands..so feels like I am wrapped up snugly in a blanket and it just feels good!
This is always a time when my mind wanders around a bit and so watching it is interesting. My thoughts went back to my teen years when I'd go walking in the foggy raining weather, my favorite for feeling isolated and safe, and makes me wonder why I respond this way, perhaps cause we lived in a small trailer, (today they call them mobile homes or manufactured homes, but it was a "trailer" when I was a kid) and when it rained we were all stuck together inside to play or read or just lay on the couch together with mom. I have no specific memories of course, this is all conjecture.. a romancing of what I maybe would have liked it to be or possibly some of the way it was. I have very few actual memories of my youth, except for the traumatic events of course, THOSE I remember quite well... though I have only a couple that have stayed with me.
My thoughts went to a feeling of sadness for someone I have hurt recently. It was not malicious, and at the time because it affected my performance, I was lovingly frank, but a little more "frank" than "loving" I think, and so some exchanges took place with both of us having feelings hurt, and so I'm feeling estranged from this person and I miss our correspondences. I was honest but it still hurt, and I knew it would, but it was a situation that needed to be addressed. Sometimes, I've learned, doing the right thing doesn't always make you feel good, and won't always "fix" the situations. I have to be true to myself though and trust that whatever should happen, will.
My daughter is away this weekend, the first time on her own with people "I" have not met yet. My wife has been with them a few times though and she seems very drawn to them. She tells me they are "soo much like us", but the timing has not been right yet for me to meet them... they live about 100 miles away and my wife and daughter go up every weekend or so for a children's class in our faith and some fun activities.. a mini retreat of sorts. It's been fun for them both and it's good to see them returning with smiles and stories to tell me of what they did. I'm still feeling just a little uneasy though, but I think it's mainly just because I'm not there to "control" things should they not go exactly like they ought to.. (not that I'm a control freak you understand) LMAO..... just a worried parent too far away to be of any help 'should' anything happen. It's a little disconcerting and yet I am praying for acceptance and have faith that all will be well, and of course, NOT eating about it.
My food plan is so ingrained in me now that I have not had any thoughts about eating to reduce the stress at all. This is a true miracle of this program for me. The realization that in the past months, I have not had an errant food thought related to ANY stress in my life. There were a couple of thoughts about trying one of my old favorites a few weeks ago.. but it was dismissed in less than 30 secs.... as my first thought when they happen is now, "okay, what's going on with me that I want this food now?", instead of beginning to rationalize "why" I should be able to have it. Prior to this program there was NO THOUGHT between "wanting the food" and "having the food", it was automatic. What I wanted, I got! THEN came the remorse and the thoughts of "why did I do that, again?" Now I have some protection from those thoughts, and it's thanks to this program.
In writing these feelings this morning, I have gone from being melancholy to grateful, a bit brighter in my thinking, where before this would have spiraled down to a depression from which I would have eaten to make myself feel better. To recognize the good things in my life instead of dwelling on the negatives. This is truly a joyous feeling. Trusting in the process, while not always understanding it... is the serenity that comes with working this program.
This realization makes me realize that I may not really enjoy this weather after all, that I really don't feel "safe", but that it used to lead me into a depression that I could then eat over.. hmmmm... interesting. This deserves some more thought. (later)
I went to a plastic surgeon yesterday for some information concerning removal of all the excess skin that is hanging around me now.. and the outcome wasn't too positive. Some of the costs "may" be covered by insurance as they become more medically necessary, but by and large, the costs are way beyond my ability to deal with, (easily $100,000), but he did offer a couple of suggestions that "may" work out better for me. My normal response to not getting a positive resolution would have made me give up in the past, but now I just say, okay, we'll find some other way to accomplish this. I'll not let "one" opinion put me off my goal. There are other options to be sought. This is totally new behavior for me. The disappointment of having "my" ideas so soundly put to rest would have resigned me to the fact that NO ONE could do what I needed, when it's was simply "one" avenue. So I will continue to look around and hopefully when the time is right, HP will send me some information that will lead me to a solution, or give me the acceptance I need to simply be happy with what I've got.
I hope you all have a great day, mine is getting better by the minute.. :-)
love and hugs,
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