The Recovery Group

A Personal Recovery




10-4

Hi all,

It's Friday morning, just had breakfast, and did a little reflection on my attitudes and food plan for the past few days. I'm not happy!

On my food plan, I measure some things meticulously and some not. It has worked for me quite well for the past 19 months. I have, however, noticed a trend that needs attention, the, "I'll just finish that up, it's not enough to put away" syndrome. Was a time when I would put back even a tablespoon of something because that's what was left after I measured out my portion. Some people in program and others have contributed the thinking that "eventually you won't have to be so strict, as you learn your limitations you'll be able to accomplish your food plan more like normal people". These are well meaning people to be sure, family, friends, program people.

So, I began thinking, well they must be right, and I'm feeling very strong, my food has been great, I'm working the steps, slowly but constantly moving forward, so, sure, why not, I could lighten up on this a little, I can recognize what my portions look like now, I'll try not measuring sometimes and see how I do. Well, for a while, I seemed to be doing okay, but about a week ago, I "noticed" that at almost every meal, I was doing this, "it's not enough to put away, I'll just finish that up" thing, it was minimal to be sure, at first an extra few flakes of cereal, a mounding cup of green beans, healthy things (I told myself).. so a little extra won't hurt, it's not big a deal... (addict thinking!! WARNING WARNING!!!!!)

Another area, my proteins, I was always a little fuzzy in this area, anything within half an ounce was okay by me, over or under (unless easily measured, like ground meats)... last week, it was up to almost an ounce being okay, and always "over", again, not that much, but it had begun to pervade my thinking. If a little is okay, it's easy to justify a little more, and a little more...

And the area I watched most closely, the fats in my plan, I am allowed 2 Tbsp per meal, but because of food choices, I would sometimes have to split 2 different types, and it has slowly become almost double amounts whenever certain foods are in combination... again, this "it's okay" had begun to pervade my thinking.

And to further contribute to this thinking, I am still losing weight. This gives me license to rationalize that it is, in fact, okay, and not a big deal - - after all, I'm still losing weight!! It must be okay, right? ......... NOT!

So I have to once again come to realize that, I HAVE to measure "meticulously". I just cannot begin to think that I can be even somewhat "normal".

I AM NOT NORMAL WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD!!!!!
I AM NOT NORMAL WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD!!!!!
I AM NOT NORMAL WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD!!!!!
I AM NOT NORMAL WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD!!!!!

I have not been reading as diligently as I used to either... boy, this is maddening... I've heard it said the food is the last thing to go... and now sitting here writing about it, it appears to be true for me as well. I have not been reading my literature as much as I used to. As work and life have been getting busier I have let these things slide a bit, and sure enough given the chance my addict thinking begins to work it's way back into my conscious thinking. ( so I want to commit that starting next Monday I'll get back on track! LOL)

I have been having some physical challenges with big cracks in my feet, so have only been walking 3-4 times a week instead of 5-6 times... even that seems to lend itself to this pervasive thinking.... I begin rationalizing, "well, doctors say that 3 times a week is adequate for good health... so I'm doing okay." Except that I don't feel quite right not walking everyday.... I will be very happy when this clears up... I am hopeful that as the weight continues to come off, this will correct itself. If not, looks like a trip to the podiatrist is in my future. :-)

Well, anyway, I just need to commit to getting back to measuring my foods more closely. My abstinence is the most important thing to my life, and having noticed where improvement is needed, I am saying it out loud, and asking HP to help me remember this lesson. My addict memory will let this pass out of my mind if I allow even the smallest crack for it to leave through.

So, beginning RIGHT NOW, I will begin again. :-)

Right now, this moment is the first moment of the rest of my life... in another minute, it will be my past, and I want to look back on my past and be content I did the best I could. So to change my past I change my present, and so my future.

Stay Strong!

love and hugs,
me

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Part 44



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