I have begun playing my guitar again, it's been about 18 months since I did, and the calluses were gone from my fingers, played for about an hour the first time, soreness stayed for a day... then played again, initial soreness but then numbed out a bit, and again played for about an hour. The soreness only lasted about 10 mins this time, and so it goes. Starting something new or starting over is sometimes painful until we build up the habit of doing it.
So I have found it with this program, doing the everyday things that keep me in recovery are a habit now. I was remembering back to how difficult it was to get all the elements together in the beginning. I was rereading some email correspondence with a friend, I had been telling him how I wasn't able to find the time to get everything done, make my phone calls, etc. His response was, and I quote it as I couldn't say it better:
"What, are you nuts? Have you already forgotten the deep depression you experienced just before you went in for treatment? You had gotten to the point of considering suicide!
Taking care of the little things that add up throughout the day in place of the disciplined action required by the program is exactly how we slip. There is always something "more important" to do rather than call our sponsor, take inventory, go to a meeting, pray, etc.
You will die from your disease. It can and will kill you. We have a daily reprieve contingent upon maintaining our spiritual life through the program.
The second step tells us we are insane and God can restore us to sanity. The insanity IS the forgetfulness of my powerlessness. The insanity IS the subtle voice that stops me from taking rigorous action.
Your sponsor wants you to call at 8PM. drop what you are doing and call.
Please, my dear friend, take this seriously and recover."
I struggled with this for quite some time, but getting better with it as I went along, and now 19 months in recovery, I get most things done now without having to force it, it's just a part of my day now. If I don't talk to someone in program everyday, I just don't feel "right" now... I need to do it, for my own recovery, and for the service of contacting others who share my disease.
My physical recovery continues, to the point of needing my clothes taken in now... even the stretchy elastic bands won't grab me anymore.. :-) My seamstress has been notified and hopefully soon she will be able to take care of the several pairs of pants that I can no longer safely wear out of the house. ;-)
I have been allowing step 7 to happen for me, and having some of my defects removed, it is time now that I move on to 8 and 9 though. I have taken some time to recuperate my energy, but something inside is now telling me it's time to get moving again, and so I will make and begin going over my list.
I have been going through a very low energy time lately, I don't like it much, everything seems forced, my walk gets harder each day, but I still get myself out there and do it... I know this will pass, and I have to just "keep on keeping on" till it does. It's still taking me about the same amount of time, so I'm happy about that, though at this point just finishing is a plus. The sun isn't rising quite so early anymore, so am able to sleep a little later, and I've been able to sleep laying in my bed for over 4 hours at a time now.. a definite milestone for me.... It's actually getting more comfortable to sleep in bed than in the chair.. :-) and when I wake up, I'm not nearly as sore as I used to be. Just like building up the calluses on my fingers, my body is getting used to sleeping horizontally again... learning to tolerate it better and actually to crave it as a reprieve from sitting so long in my chair.
I have been able to mow the yard in one session now, front and back, used to do just one part each day. Life is good!
The challenge of raising my daughter has been less painful lately, stepping back and letting the consequences happen as needed has helped tremendously, not feeling I need to get in and direct so much anymore. I cherish these good days, as I know this too is cyclical, and soon, she will be testing the borders again...
I have become more aware of how much I use music to help soothe me. I have always been drawn to music, but only when someone mentioned it did I realize that I do indeed seek out music as an alternative... it's another tool for me to use to help alter my mood. To quiet my mind when the thoughts get to be too much for me to deal with.
So, the pain is the learning of the "new", and the glory is the good habits that are formed. Being in recovery is a habit I do not wish to have to learn again. So I will continue to DO the necessary, everyday, sometimes mundane things it took to get me to this place and as I continually remind myself, to
love and hugs,
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