A Personal Journey
March 28, 2002
I have good days and bad days, and some mediocre days... my 'expectation' has always been, when on the mend, each day should be better than the last until I am recovered... well....... it's not like that at all, and I was warned about it by the nurses, doctors, therapists, etc... some days will be good, and then next may or may not be.. it's just part of the process.. take each day as it comes. so overall I'm improving.. on a day to day basis, it varies.. today started out very good, I felt full of energy the first time I got up... legs felt alive and ready, but 2 hours later, I felt worn out and unable to even walk around the house... weird, but it's just the way it is.
I went to watch my daughter play basketball last night, my first 'outing' since I've been home except to doctors and driving errands in which my daughter does the actual leg work.. and though it was painful I think it was worth it.. and I know she was excited to have me there watching.
the 6 hours after I got home were not something I'd like to do again, but felt better this morning.. that's the weird part!!!! :-)
this healing business is just strange sometimes....
I have been having some food thoughts that sneak in my head every once in a while, but so far have been able to quell them fairly rapidly, but it makes me realize that I have to remain on my guard... it starts out simply enough, I get my daughter lunch from a drive through restaurant... I don't get anything for me, but begin to think, well, they must have something there that will be ok for my plan... and if I let 'that' thought expand, I'm in trouble! I know that, for now, I CANNOT allow myself to rationalize that thought into an action. So far, so good, and even last night on the way home from the game, my daughter asked if we could stop and I said, "you know, daddy has a problem with drive throughs, I really can't afford to do that too often", and she agreed, being very supportive of me and beginning to understand about the food addiction, I know she was disappointed but she handled it well... and we fixed supper at home and ate a nice meal together while her mom was doing something else with some friends that were over.
I watched my daughter yesterday, struggle with something that was so profound to me, it was MY life in microcosm:
she was taking the empty cans off the kitchen counter and going to take them to the recycle bin outside, there was about 8 cans, and she was stacking them up in a tower, then trying to pick the tower up to take them, she would get them stacked, try to pick them up and they would fall and go all over the kitchen, she did this SAME THING 5 times and finally got so frustrated that she yelled out, "I"M DONE, I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!" and I said calmly, (the "calmly" part of this is important, because in the past I would have been making fun of her for continuing to do something that didn't work and then saracastically point out to her how to do it), "perhaps you could try some 'other ways' to accomplish the task, you can't just not do it because it's something that has to be done, so you need to try something else", and then I suggested about 3 or 4 other ways of getting the cans to the bin. :-) And I thought to myself, THAT is exactly what I did my whole life, I could only see ONE WAY to do something, and if it didn't work, I would just keep trying it, thinking it was ME who just couldn't do it, that "I" was flawed somehow and I should be able to do it THIS way. My thinking would just NOT let me look at other solutions. I remember feeling so overwhelmed when given logic problems to solve, and not knowing HOW to come up with solutions for them, just feeling so stupid that I could not see any way of accomplishing the task, and my folks, or friends, or schoolmates, making fun of me for it, because they figured it out so quickly (I thought quickly at least).
I would become so frustrated that all I could think of was what to eat to make me feel better.... to withdraw into myself and beat myself up for being so stupid, and to act like, "well I don't care about that anyway", but it was just a form of protection so I wouldn't have to "feel" so bad about it.
I came across a James Taylor song that really touched me, the lyric to the refrain was:
Hold tight to your hearts desire, never ever let it go.
Let nobody fool you into giving it up too soon,
Tend your own fire, lay low and be strong,
Wait a while, Wait it out, It'll come along.
Life is good...
love and hugs,
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